Deliverance
by EscapeArtist25
Summary: My version of a post-Mockingjay story. Takes place a month after Mockingjay ends. Katniss and Peeta both struggle in their own ways to become themselves and find each other again. Also, check out my previous HG fics, all three original books, but in Peeta's POV. Props to Nikola Nicart on tumblr for the artwork.
1. No Light, No Light

**A/N: First, if you haven't read my other three HG fanfics, I recommend you read those first. They're all three books, written in Peeta's perspective. Second, I want to thank all readers for giving me the encouragement to continue this series into a post-Mockingjay world. I struggled for a long time to decide whether to continue writing in Peeta's POV or go back and forth with his and Katniss' point of view. I have decided on the latter, but if I find it doesn't work, I'll write the rest of the story in Peeta's point of view only. **

**I've decided to make a soundtrack to this story. The title of each chapter will be the name of a song that I think fits well with what's going on in the Chapter. Song for this chapter is "No Light No Light" by Florence + The Machine.**

**With that, I introduce Deliverance:**

I don't want him here. It's hard enough trying to find the will to live without having to deal with the emotional confusion that is Peeta Mellark. And how can he just show up and plant primroses in my yard without even thinking that they might be too hard for me to look at?

I storm up the stairs right past Greasy Sae who is making me breakfast, just as she does every morning. And every morning she forces me to eat even though I have no desire to sustain my body. Why should I live when I caused so much death around me? If I'd never lived, all those people would still be here. Finnick, Mags, Brutus, Enobaria, Cato…the list goes on and on. The list of the people that I killed. Every night I watch these people die over and over again. They don't always die in the same way, but in every situation that my unconscious mind conjures up, I'm always the killer.

The first thing I do is sit on the edge of my bed with my head in my hands. I would probably be crying if my tear ducts hadn't already run dry for the day. Now, all I feel is an emptiness, an emotional numbness, a void that nothing and no one can fill.

One thing in particular comes to mind. Why would Peeta come back here? With all district fences torn down and the amount of money he has, being a victor, he could have gone anywhere he wanted. Why would he come back to a place that he associates with pain and loss? His family…his bakery…his friends….none of them are left here. There's only Haymitch, and…me.

A guilt eats away at me but I push it aside. I really hope that he chose to come back to twelve for other reasons. Not me. Because I don't know what he expects but I'm not even stable enough to have too many acquaintances, much less friends or…anything else. Nor do I want anyone like that. Greasy Sae is the only one I'm able to tolerate being here right now. That's why I'm so thankful that Haymitch keeps to himself.

I pick my head up and look in a mirror across from my bed. I didn't put that there. But instead of wondering who it was that did, I'm focused on the person staring back at me. She looks nothing like me. She looks…insane. Her hair is matted and most of the ends are uneven and frayed. Her eyebrows have almost grown into one and her skin is oily and uneven as well. If you were to look at the "Girl on fire" or "Mockingjay," so to speak, and then this girl, you'd never know that they were the same person.

But maybe that's because they're not.

The "Girl on Fire" was a sixteen-year-old girl whose love for her sister overcame her fear for one brief moment in time, and then a talented costume designer gave her that name.

The "Mockingjay" was that same girl, then at seventeen, who wanted nothing more than for her family and friends, and herself, to live in peace.

Now that it's over and I'm just Katniss…why am I still here? Sometimes I think the only reason that I even make an effort to keep myself alive is for my mother. Because I can't imagine going what she's been through. Losing Peeta or Gale would be…devastating. And there's no way I can even imagine the pain of losing a child. Then, losing yet another child? The last member of your family? I can't do that to her.

She's been calling me but Greasy Sae answers every time and I don't have the strength or will to talk to my mother. I should, but I just can't. I wouldn't know what to say, or how to act. So every time Greasy Sae raises her eyebrows at me when she's on the phone, I always shake my head, knowing that she's asking me if I want to talk to her, and I just…I can't now.

I can't even talk to Doctor Aurelius, who, really, I'm supposed to be contacting at least once a week. But really, where would that get me? I seriously doubt he can help me. And I know that the alternative is going back to the Capitol to be tried and possibly sent to prison, but that's no threat to me. I'm already in a prison, in a way. There's just no need for bars in the prison that I'm in.

I have no idea why, but after observing this girl in the mirror, I have an urge to rewind time, back to before everything got so complicated, so destructive and painful.

I must use an entire bottle of hair conditioner that was leftover from the last time my stylists were here, and I must spend at least an hour combing through the tangles. But finally, my dark brown, now-shiny hair flows down smoothly and freely to one side. Then comes the braid. Off the top of my head and then over my left shoulder, just like my mom always did. The way I always wore my hair when I went hunting with my father.

I open a drawer to put the brush back and find a small box with a note on it. It says, - Katniss, please don't neglect to use these items once we've left!

Xoxo, Flavius-

I should have figured. I open the box and find wax, tweezers, a razor, and makeup, but the rest of the tools I don't recognize. I pick up the tweezers but I put the rest back. I don't need the razor, I'm wearing pants anyway. Not that I care if my legs resemble Haymitch's. Doesn't matter to me in the least. The rest of the items I definitely don't care about.

I do use the tweezers though, and after thirty minutes of continuous plucking, there are now two eyebrows above my eyes. I haven't dressed yet, but I go in front of the mirror to take a look at my progress so far.

The girl in the mirror's body is much skinnier than before the first Hunger Games, which is a little unnerving since I was close to starving at that time. I make a mental note to force myself to keep more food down. My face, though, looks almost the same as it did nearly three years ago. My face is slightly less round than it was then, probably due to being slightly older, but other than that, it's her. I mean, it's me…the Katniss Everdeen from three years ago. Before all of this. Before the war.

I wear a darker shade of green shirt, and brown pants. Then I put my hunting boots over the pants and then my hunting jacket over the shirt and I'm ready.

Downstairs, I sit down and Greasy Sae serves me a plate of eggs she made. She sits across from me and I take a bite. She looks at my fingernails for the longest time. "You should cut those. With all that tossin and turnin you do at night, you might cut yourself."

I take a knife and pare off my long, untamed nails after I finish eating all I can force myself to keep down. As she washes the dishes and I finish my nails, I ask her about Gale and she tells me that he got some fancy job in District 2.

I must admit I'm mostly…relieved. Relieved that there's no longer any expectations for me to act or speak or think a certain way around him. No need to act friendly when I don't want to be. No need to be the Katniss he fell for when I'm not so sure I'm the same person anymore. If only Peeta were in 2 as well.

"I'm going hunting today."

She drops a dish, obviously surprised, and turns around. "Ya are? I wouldn't mind some fresh game at that. Take this with you," she says, and passes me a biscuit.

Bread always makes me think of Peeta. "Is this…from…" I start to ask, but she knows what I'm thinking.

She shakes her head. "No, he just got back. Hasn't done a whole lot of baking."

"Good." I say, though I don't know why. I feel less guilty eating a biscuit that Peeta didn't make. Like I'd owe him again or something. Part of me knows I'm ridiculous for thinking that way but the other part reminds me of all the reasons why I do.

I take the biscuit and for some reason, it's the first thing I've actually enjoyed for a long time. Since that dinner that Tigris made us the night before we left our hideaway in her fur shop. So Greasy Sae is, of course, surprised, when I take another. Then another.

After three biscuits, I grab my bow and arrow, which, due to the fact that I'm not constantly being watched anymore, I keep in my home instead of in a hollowed out tree trunk. Then I grab my game bag and open the door.

He's not here now, Peeta. Which I'm thankful for because, like my mother and pretty much everyone else, I've got nothing to say to him. I look over my right and left shoulders to be sure he and Haymitch aren't anywhere to be seen, then I am on my way.

Unfortunately, I have to pass through the town square and the Seam to get to the woods. Both sights I'd rather not see. Especially when I notice a pile of rubble where Mayor Undersee's house used to stand.

I stare at for awhile, not wanting to ask the question that's on my mind, but when I recognize Thom, I ask anyway. "Did you find anyone in there?"

"Whole family. And two people that worked for them," He says, probably not knowing that I know these people. That the girl that lived here gave me the pin.

"I thought…maybe…since he was the mayor…"

"I don't think being the mayor of twelve put the odds in his favor."

He tells me he's got to get back to work, they're trying to tear it completely down so that they can rebuild it. That's fine, I've got nothing left to say anyway.

I can't stop thinking about Madge now that I'm walking to the Seam. The only thing that takes my mind off of her, is when I notice people from other districts moving into abandoned Seam houses. Most people fixing them up. Of course I get stares but I do the best I can not to make eye contact. I walk briskly with my head down.

I see my house. But I can't bring myself to go in. Not yet. Though I will.

Another disturbing image is the mass grave being lined with decaying bodies and pieces of bodies and bones in the meadow. It's hard to believe the amount of death that I caused. All these people, gone. And I bet no one even knew their name. They were just normal, everyday citizens of district 12, whose individual lives meant nothing to the Capitol that killed them. And me. I killed them too. I had a part in it, there's no denying that. Yet, here I stand. It hardly seems fair but I keep thinking if I can just get to the lake outside the district, the place that was always my safe zone, the place only Gale and my father and I knew about, everything will begin to make sense.

But it doesn't because I don't get that far.

Apparently my body is even worse than it looks because I'm too weak to even make it to mine and Gale's meeting place, the rock over looking the meadow down below and a mile or so away. It takes me all day just to get there.

I sit there on that rock, and I keep turning at the slightest of noises, expecting him to show up. Expecting him to be carrying his bow and arrow, smiling at me, teasing me. But each time I look, there's only a small animal or the wind. Gale never comes. And I have to keep reminding myself that Gale is in District 2.

For a second, I miss him. I want him to be sitting next to me on this rock, want his pointers on hunting even though we both know I don't need them. I want his lame jokes and his Capitol rants and all his craziness, his fire. But then, at the same time, I have to remind myself that I don't need that. I don't want that. Nothing to do with it. That was a different time, and those were different people. Kids, almost. No idea the destruction they were capable of.

Me, with all the suffering and loss I'm responsible for.

And Gale, with the way-too-fast decision to kill everyone in the Nut in District 2- No moral dilemma about it. And those bombs…and all those children….my sister….

The tear ducts I thought had run dry have surprised me, because I end up soaking the grass underneath my boots with my tears.

By late afternoon, I know I have to go home. I'm tired, and weak, and stressed and in pain and countless other things. But I can't stay out in the woods in the open like this. It's cold out for one thing.

I'm so tired that I barely make it to the gate when I see Thom.

"You have a lot of jobs, don't you?" I say, and it comes out more rude than I mean for it to. Luckily, he either doesn't notice or doesn't care.

"Lots to do. Hop in," He tells me.

I get into the cart he was using to transport bodies. The smell of decay still lingers but I do my best to ignore it. I try to think of something to talk about but neither of us can.

He must be able to tell that I'm tired, because he offers to help me get inside. I tell him no, but he doesn't listen.

I'd be surprised if I weighed over a hundred pounds, so carrying me is nothing to him. He's just as strong as Gale or Peeta. Maybe more so.

He lays me down on the couch and I thank him and he nods before leaving.

I'm just about to fall asleep when I hear it.

The high frequency hiss that would make me jump out of my skin had I had the strength to do so.

How in the hell did that damn cat make it all the way here from 13? Of all the things I'd be happy to have back, he isn't one of them. He starts to meow, and I tell him that she's not here. Prim. He doesn't seem to get it and so I throw a pillow at him, but no use, he just jumps back with his hair sticking up and hisses at me some more.

Finally, he must get it because he hobbles over to the corner and lies down. That's when I notice how badly he's hurt.

I hate the fact that I have to get up and help him. But I can't stand his whining.

So I use the tweezers from earlier to pluck various thorns and other things from his paws and fur. Then I clean out his cuts and brush the mats out of his hair and laugh a little bit because he looks even more ugly when he's wet from a bath.

By the time I'm finished, I have no more strength left in me so I pass out on the couch there.

I don't know if it was Peeta or Haymitch or Thom, but somehow, I wake up in my bed in the middle of the night.

I hear something behind me. It's faint…but it sounds like breathing.

Peeta?

I feel hopeful for just a second because of the nights on the train that I slept in his arms and somehow it shielded me from the nightmares. But then I remind myself why I should have never allowed myself to get used to that and why I can never have that or anything close to it ever again.

No, I do not want it to be Peeta behind me. But it's not. It's Buttercup.

When I turn around and see that it's him, he opens his eyes and in the moonlight, I see him stretch out a paw and yawn, before sitting up and watching me while gently swaying his tail back and forth.

I don't know what makes me do it, but I reach a hand forward and rub his head to his tail. One time. He purs and for some reason, the purring helps me sleep again.


	2. The Wind

**A/N: For this second chapter, the song is "The Wind" by The Fray.**

First things first. The bakery, in town. It's the first time that I am going to see it. The last time I was there, was before the second Games, about a year ago. I have no idea what I'm to expect. As per Haymitch's request and my own reasons, I've left Katniss alone this past week. I saw her only once. After I planted the primroses around her house. Haymitch hasn't been to town and I haven't had much chance to talk to Greasy Sae. There really aren't very many people back in 12 yet that I know. The bakery could look just fine or it may be completely destroyed.

When I get to town, I've got to pass by the mayor's house to reach the merchant district. When I get there, I notice that it's…gone. Completely grounded. There are mine workers there, moving debris, sweeping, trying to tear down to reconstruct. I don't know any of them personally, but I find one that is resting and I ask him what happened. But that's not what I end up asking. Instead, I ask not of the house, but of the people that used to occupy it.

"The Mayor?"

The man gives me a grim look and shakes his head. "His daughter?"

"Her name was Madge." He says, sternly.

"Right. Madge?"

I seem to have hit a sore spot because after telling me that she was one of the lives lost, he left me standing there, and walked back into the remains of the house.

I feel a pang of guilt. Not once in the events of the past three years had I thought about what had become of them. Not once did I wonder if they were hurt or scared or even in danger at all-though it's clear now that being the mayor of District 12 wasn't exactly the safest job. I'm sure the Capitol and Snow watched Mayor Heavensbee with a very cautious eye after mine and Katniss' stunt with the berries in the first game. Also, he wasn't protected by the rebels either, because being mayor meant you were a part of the corrupt, oppressive government of Panem. I'm not sure how some of the district 12 residents got to 13, but I'm sure none of them thought to include the mayor or his family.

I have to add the mayor and his wife and Madge to my mental list of the people that I've inadvertently killed in one way or another.

"Fancy meeting you here." A voice behind me says. When I turn, I see the face of a boy about my age that I met while in military training in 13. His name is Ketra, but I didn't learn much else about him, other than the fact that he can assemble a rifle very quickly.

"I could say the same to you."

"Now that most citizens are able to travel freely between districts, I decided to get away from 13. Been raised there all my life. Too many rules. Not enough room to grow."

It should be the last thing on my mind, but the word "districts" resurfaces first. Are they districts now? With no fences and free travel, free trade, what are they? Do we still continue to call them districts or do we give them some other, less oppressive sounding names?

"Did you hear me?"

"Yeah," I say, "Sorry. What will you be doing here?"

"To start? Rebuild. Look at this place," He says, looking around the merchant district of the town square. "Not a thing was left undamaged. Other than the Justice building. How ironic."

I exhale heavily. "So the bakery?"

"Oh…" he seems to have put the pieces together now. He tells me, "You're a baker, right? That was the word in 13. You're from here. Was it…was it yours?" He says, avoiding eye contact.

"My family's, yes. My brother was going to run it when my father got older."

He doesn't ask me about my father or my brother, or any of my family for that matter. But I'm sure he can tell by my struggle to say the word "family", that they aren't with me anymore.

"Well, don't lose sight of it. If that's what you want, I'm sure you'll be doing it again someday."

I nod, then he tells me, "I live in the Seam now. With some other guys from 13, just a few. Most are originally from there. But…don't be a stranger." Then he walked over to the site and grabbed an axe, bringing down the last remaining stone standing where the mayor's house used to stand.

It sounded bad, but actually seeing it with my own eyes tears me apart. The bakery is almost flattened. A small portion of it still stands, but it's burnt to a crisp. I can't bring myself to go inside, but from outside the last window still there, I can see that none of the equipment is salvageable. I'll have to start from scratch.

I have a few things in my house, but to get the larger equipment I'll need- that will require a trip to the Capitol.

I feel faint watching this, watching somewhere I grew up resemble violent images I've seen only on Capitol broadcasts before. Violent images either from the first rebellion, or from the varying arena's in the games. One arena in particular resembles the torn up buildings I see before me. It was the 70th Hunger Games. Instead of being on a beach, or in a forest or jungle or desert, it was in an abandoned city that was destroyed by the Capitol long ago. Those games didn't last very long. Resources in those games were incredibly scarce. Especially water. Where is one to find water in a small city made mostly of stone? There was only one well, and only a lucky few survived long enough to find it. And none of them ended up winning. Since they all stuck around the well as it was the only water, they all killed each other off.

A girl won, a girl named Olianne. She was from District 10, and she got to water a different way, the only tribute that was able to. Being from District 10, she knew another way to obtain water: Dig.

Using only a small knife, she carved and carved away at a small piece of stone in a corner of the arena for days until she was able to reach dirt. She could probably fit both hands in the space she had to dig in, but it would work.

She spent almost an entire day stabbing the dirt repeatedly with the knife to loosen it, and then scooping out the loose earth with her hands, and repeating the process.

She nearly died of dehydration by the time she got it, and she had no way of purifying it. But in the end it didn't matter, because after drinking the water she only had to wait one day to be announced as the winner. Then, any bacteria or illness she may have contracted would be healed by the Capitol.

I can't help but breathe a sigh of relief. Because even amongst all the death and destruction, there are no more Games. Panem children can now grow up without having to worry that the last sunset they see might be before they reach the age of eighteen.

I won't ever be required to watch that again. Never have to hope for all twenty-four of them, then watch them die one by one. Each death marked only by a two-second picture in the sky, then forgotten about forever.

I look around the merchant district of the town square some more. Not one building left untouched. Most have to be completely demolished and rebuilt from the ground up. Only a few can be salvaged. Even that will take time. But it isn't like I expect District 12- or whatever it is we live in now, to be the same as it was. I know that it will change. It's a good change, but it's still heart wrenching for your childhood memories to fade away along with the surroundings you familiarized them with.

After the merchant district, I decided to visit the Hob. It was up and running…though much different. Only a few stands, and even fewer customers. It's so quiet that you can hear a pin drop, so when I walk in, I feel several pairs of eyes on me. Those eyes don't move, so I say the first thing I think of, "Good morning."

I'm sure no one has had a good morning in quite a long time, but it's what came out, and luckily it worked. After I said it, no one answered me, but everyone seemed to go back to whatever it was they were doing before I walked in. The only person still watching me is Greasy Sae.

I walk over to her to say hello. "Hello, Peeta. You're looking well."

"I think it's being back here. I don't have many false memories associated with district 12. Most took place in the Capitol or arenas."

"Well, it's good to see that light in your eyes again." She says with a most caring smile. "Don't you worry about Katniss, either. She's been hunting."

I promised Haymitch I'd leave her alone for awhile, so I didn't know.

He also avoided talking about her. He told us we'd kill each other if we didn't take some time getting used to being back here. I don't think we'd actually kill each other, he probably just didn't want to deal with the bundle of issues and drama that Katniss and I speaking would entail.

Regardless, he's never made my decisions. I've left her alone this past week for my own reasons as well. Because I have so many questions that I know only she can help me figure out. Because there are pieces of my life that fit somewhere but I'm not sure where. It's like a puzzle. I need her help to put the right information in the correct place, at the correct point in my life.

But I need her to help herself first. She, no doubt, knows that I am here for her and willing to listen and help in any way I can. But I need her to seek me out. If I seeked her out first, I'd probably end up upsetting her with the questions that I have to ask and it would set her back in her recovering.

My attention goes back to Greasy Sae, who is looking at me expectantly.

"Has she? That's good to hear. I'm sure it will help her more than anything else can."

I try not to gag at the dead squirrel Greasy Sae holds up then. "She brought me this just twenty or so minutes ago. Right through the eye, every time," She says with a smile.

"Every time." I agree.

After leaving the Hob, I pass by the Seam. Not much has changed. Most of the Seam houses still stand. Some are scorched but salvageable. As evening closes in now, I see pillars of smoke coming out of chimneys from the houses and realize how cold it is. Good thing I have only one more thing to do tonight. On my way to the meadow that lies just beyond the Seam and what used to be the district fence, I count the pillars of smoke and notice that way less than half of the houses are occupied. I take a deep breath and force myself to focus on something else.

I kick a couple of rocks on my way to the meadow. A few days back, Haymitch told me about the grave. The number of district 12 citizens living here now- 2,368. The number living here during the last government population count- 8,410. Of course, some of those people may be in other districts, but it won't be very many. The math is heartbreaking.

The graves have already been dug, the bodies placed, and the dirt put over them. Flowers border the large grave, but it's easy to spot without them. There's no patches of new grass over the grave. Only dirt. One single stone sits in the middle of this grave, a plaque on it listing the names of the people that now lie six feet underneath that very stone.

But it isn't enough.

So I go farther into the woods that border the meadow and the grave and find a rose bush. I cut a few of the stems off with my teeth, careful not to get the thorns.

I end up with five blood red roses in my hand as I walk back to the grave.

When I stand in front of the memorial stone, I read the names of the lives lost out loud. Some I don't recognize, but some I do, and it eats away at me every time, but I think this is important for me to do. To recognize these people as individuals rather than a group of random people.

When I'm done it's nightfall. There's a new moon tonight so it's very dark, nearly pitch black. I give my eyes a minute to adjust and then see the goosebumps on my arms and notice that I'm starting to shiver. My tears are cold running down my cheeks, as I put the five roses on the ground against the memorial stone.

I should get home. But before I do, I simply take a deep breath and speak out loud, to each and every name I just read off of that memorial stone.

"Forgive me."


	3. Everchanging

**A/N: Song for this chapter is "Everchanging" by Rise Against. **

It's been a month since I've gotten back now, and things are still going painfully slow. I feel like I haven't recovered much at all since I've been back, and most of it is due to the fact that I still haven't talked to Katniss. There is confusion in my head that only she can bring light to. Questions only she can answer.

She's been getting better, though. That part is obvious. She's been going hunting nearly every day. At first she wouldn't come back with anything. But as time went by, she came back with more and more game. She's put some weight back on and so she looks healthier. The color's come back to her face. She looks much different than the girl standing on the front porch a month ago.

I still have my weekly phone calls with Doctor Aurelius. He asks me things like "How many flashbacks have you had?" And, "What activities have you been doing to keep yourself busy?"

He also asks about Katniss, but only if we're speaking. Each time, the answer is "Not yet."

Though I really hope that changes soon.

Now that there is free trade, I own the property my family's bakery once stood on, not the Capitol. So all I have to do is rebuild. The Capitol had a huge surplus of funds when it was taken over, which doesn't surprise me considering they robbed their people for years. The extra money has been distributed equally amongst the districts to repair and rebuild. So my bakery, and other merchant shops, will be built with that money. But as for the equipment needed, that I'll have to pay for.

As for right now, I'm running a small bakery out of my house in the Victor's Village. I can't sell as much as the bakery did, because of limited equipment, but I enjoy doing it. It keeps me busy and I feel helpful. After the first Games, when I found out Greasy Sae collected money for Katniss and I during the games, I promised her that I'd make sure she had fresh bread every morning. I still keep that promise.

Ketra, the boy I met back in District 13, comes over once a week to purchase a few French loaves. Haymitch sometimes come in when he's drunk and asks for a donut or two.

Thom comes occasionally too, as well as other customers from our new district.

Katniss has yet to come in. But I make a few cheese buns every morning, just in case. And every night, I check out my window one last time before I throw them out. I sell the leftover bread for half price at the Hob on Tuesdays and Fridays. The cheese buns are the only things I don't sell at the Hob. And I don't sell them to anyone else that comes to my house.

I spent all day at the construction site yesterday afternoon, and yesterday morning at the Hob, so today I'm tired and just decide to relax. I still haven't completely gotten all my strength back, and so I do have to take it easy once in awhile.

Speaking of taking it easy, Haymitch is passed out on my front porch swing when I walk outside.

"Haymitch, what the hell? Pass out at your own house", I say shaking him to wake him.

In a drunken motion he flings himself off the swing, then his head hits the wooden deck beneath my feet. That seems to bring him to his senses. He gets up angrily.

"What time is it?"

"It's five in the afternoon."

"Who turned on that hideous light in the sky?" He asks me, putting an arm in front of his face to shield his eyes.

"You mean the Sun?"

He pushes past me into my house demanding to know where I hid the jelly donuts.

I follow him inside, where they're right on the table for him, where they always are. He sits down and eats a few of them.

Once he's on his third one, he begins to sober up enough to talk to me.

"You been stayin away from that girl?"

"Yeah. I've been seeing to the construction on my bakery. And then I've been here."

He nods. "Good. But I think it might be the time to try talking to her."

"Really?" I say, not hiding my enthusiasm. "Why now?"

He hesitates. "She's been disappearin…sometimes for whole days. Occasionally overnight. Always comes back, but no one knows where she's goin' off too. Since she ain't technically allowed to leave the district, she might get herself into trouble."

"And you want me to find out where she's going?"

"No, that isn't your business. I just think you should talk to her. Make sure everything's still fine. If something seems, I don't know, _off_ about her, we've gotta call the doctor."

I thought I was done having to worry about her. She seemed so well every morning that I saw her go off hunting. It didn't even occur to me that something still might be wrong. Now, I can't get rid of this anxious feeling that I have. So I say nothing else and go over to her house for the first time in a month. But I stop halfway there and run back to my house.

I forgot something.

A few minutes later I'm knocking on the door, with a basket full of cheese buns in my other hand.

There's no answer. She might not be home, so I just go in.

But there she is. Sitting at her kitchen table writing something down on parchment paper. The book that we used to do together before the second Games sits beside her. Is she adding to it? It shouldn't bother me that she hasn't included me, but it does. Buttercup, of all things, sits on her other side.

"Katniss?" I say. I know she heard me come in, but it's not until I say her name that she responds. She looks up at me but says nothing.

When she looks at me and we make eye contact, I can see how truly better she's gotten. Her eyes are bright and the gray in them stands out. Her skin is more evenly toned, and her cheeks have color to them. I must stare awhile because she looks left and right then looks at me again expectantly. "Yes? What?"

Her tone is a little threatening. Like she's annoyed with me. I swallow hard and then put the basket on the other side of the table and push it towards her. "I brought you…something."

She opens the basket and immediately takes a bun out and takes a bite. With her mouth full, she says, "Thank you."

"Can I sit?"

"I guess."

I pull up a chair next to Buttercup, who then hisses at me. "Shutup. It's just Peeta," she says to him, but then he just gets ever closer to her and stares me down.

Didn't this cat used to hate her?

"Well, that's odd." I say, talking about Buttercup.

"Him?" She says, looking at Buttercup.

I nod.

"He's just here because…"

I don't want to make her say it. I don't want to make her say, "He's just here because he thought _she'd _be here." So I stop her. I just tell her, "I know."

Then everything is quiet for a few minutes and I feel a need to fill the silence. "Where'd you get that paper? It's too nice to be from the Hob. It looks professional."

"Doctor Aurelius sent it."

"Oh, so you've talked to him then?"

"I guess you could call it that. Really he just asks how I am and I say I'm doing better to get him off my back."

"But aren't you? Doing better, I mean?"

She lets her pencil fall down from her hand and looks up at me for the first time since I sat down. "What would you like me to say Peeta? I'm doing as well as anyone would be doing in this situation."

Her sister. I know that. But her hostility upsets me even though I understand it.

"I lost people too, Katniss." I tell her, then I walk back out.

I go to Haymitch's, and he's on his couch lying down. He's not passed out, and though he smells like alcohol, he's still sobering up. "What happened?" He asks me.

"Well, you were right before. About not wanting me to bug her too soon or we might kill each other."

"That bad?"

"She just…didn't want me to be there. It was obvious. Then I guess I said the wrong thing and she flipped out on me."

Haymitch laughs. "Ah, kid, that's got nothing to do with the war. That's just what girls do." He sits up, laughing. Though I didn't think his attempt at a joke was very funny.

"But really what'd she say?" He asks, more serious now.

"I asked her if she was doing better and she got upset."

"That's probably because she couldn't give you the answer that you wanted."

Haymitch can be such a genius sometimes. It really gets under my skin. "What should we do then?"

"Bout her trips to nowhere? I don't know. Suppose we just keep watching her closely. So far, she's come back. If a day comes that she doesn't we'll deal with it then. Let her calm down some and try talkin' to her again though."

I nod my head before going back to my house. I hadn't realized how fast time went by but it's already almost nine o' clock at night.

I go into my already dark room, remove my shirt and change into my sweatpants. But before I get into bed, I look out my window. Her bedroom window can be seen from mine. She's there, putting on her hunting jacket and getting her bow and quiver. She seems rushed.

I hurry down the stairs and out the door. I see her leave, but thankfully, she doesn't see me watching. I watch her until she is out of sight. But it's clear where she's going.

The woods.


	4. The House That Built Me

**A/N: Song for this chapter is "The House that Built Me" by Miranda Lambert.**

Buttercup is slowing me down.

I thought I felt someone watching me when I left the house tonight, but I turned around and saw only a pair of green eyes, one half shut. That cat that won't leave my side.

About a month ago, when I began doing this, I admit I'd leave my door open a crack and all the windows open in hopes that he'd think I'd abandoned him and just leave.

But every morning that I'd set out to leave, he'd follow me. It's like now that she isn't here, he's given himself the responsibility of protecting me. There's not much he can do, but I let him tag along anyway. Sometimes he'll kill a mouse or a rat or something. It's like I have a miniature hunting partner.

The only thing is that if I wander too far away from a distracted Buttercup, he'll cry until I go find him. It's very frustrating to have an arrow ready to fly at a deer or squirrel, and then to hear an ear piercing, ugly cat cry and cause the game to run away. He's cost me quite a few choice rabbits and a deer so far. But I do this now for myself, not because I have to. So I tell myself every time that it isn't a big deal.

Tonight is the first time that I've decided to go there at night. Before, I'd go early morning. Sometimes I'd come back, sometimes I'd stay a night out there and then come back. Greasy Sae has noticed but I don't think she's said anything because Haymitch hasn't been hounding me about where I've been running off to.

I don't know what makes me go tonight. Maybe it was the encounter with Peeta. Speaking to him for the first time in a month brought a slew of emotions to the surface. Betrayal, anger, frustration, annoyance, happiness, relief…and…something else, I can't quite understand. Since I've been back, the only way I know how to sort through the mess of things in my mind, is doing this.

I see a family sitting outside their porch in the Seam when I get to my old house. They're close by, so I hide in a shadow until they go inside for the night. I don't know them, but I'm sure they know me. And I don't need anyone following me. Other than Buttercup. But that's only because he won't let me go alone and I don't have the heart to shoot him.

Once they're inside, I am careful of my stepping because I know the floorboards on my old house are falling apart and make a lot of noise. Thankfully, Buttercup is quiet as well, and he doesn't draw any unwanted attention our way.

There's only one thing left. A picture of my father and me fishing in the lake. I grab it and put it inside my hunting jacket. I then look around the house. I can still see my mother rocking my sister to sleep in the chair that is gone now but used to be by our modest fireplace. I can still see my father playing his guitar for me outside on the porch. I can still see the outline in the floorboards where my bed used to be in one of the bedrooms. And I remember the day that I woke up and my life changed forever.

As tears stream down my face, I shut the door to my old house for the last time.

I will not be coming back here anymore.

I loved this place, the memories it held, the time I spent here. I grew up here. I learned a lot of lessons here. I've felt loss and pain, but also happiness here. But in order to heal and move on with my life, I have to leave this area of my life behind me. Besides, now that I've taken all the momentos that I want, it's just a house.

As I walk down the street towards the woods, the house gets smaller and smaller in the distance. It will be someone else's house now. Since I'm not using it, our new mayor will allow someone to buy it.

The fence has since been taken down, but I enter the woods in the normal place.

It's dark, so I stand still for a few minutes to allow my eyes to adjust to the darkness. I can't help but feel like this darkness that I see is inside of me as well, and I need to adjust my eyes to it too. This darkness inside me is a result of the Capitol, the Hunger Games, and losing so many people. It won't ever leave, but I have to force myself to see it in a new perspective. Maybe then I can finally begin to live again.

I can see slightly better, but I find myself wishing for the goggles I had in the first Hunger Games, the night vision goggles. At first I'm walking, but the cool spring air feels good and so soon I find myself running. Sometimes Buttercup gets behind and so I have to stop and wait for him. Normally, when this happens, I just keep going and Buttercup gets there eventually. Because Buttercup knows the way to the lakehouse. He's followed me there many times now. But since it's dark and there's coyotes, I have to be sure he stays fairly close to me. For some reason I feel responsible for him now.

It's close to midnight when I finally see the water glistening in the moonlight. The lake. And the small cottage that is less than a few hundred feet from the edge of the small lake. The lone house, my sanctuary.

I walk inside the house and look around me. It was two weeks ago today that I finally gained enough strength to get here. I tried to come here the day that Peeta came back, but I ended up spending all day at Gale's and my meeting place because I didn't have enough strength to get this far.

Two weeks ago, I came to this house with a single item in my hand. The pearl that Peeta gave me on the beach in the second arena. I was just going to leave it here, and forget about it and all the other reasons that I still hung on to Peeta. But then I had a better idea.

I needed a place that I could go and be alone. I realized that this lakehouse would serve that purpose perfectly. No longer do I need to go and find a closet to curl up in, or anything like it. Now, I come here.

So in the past two weeks, I've come here almost everyday. And each day, I've brought something from my old house or from my new house. The second day I brought a ribbon Prim wore to her reaping, the one I volunteered to take her place in. The third day I brought a small quilt that my mother had stitched when Prim was a baby. Each day, I brought something else that I attached a good memory to.

Sometimes I wouldn't leave. Sometimes I'd stay the night here. Once, I stayed two nights. Sometimes, when it was cold, or when it was too late to turn back, or when I just didn't feel like making the three hour walk back to the district, I'd stay here, alone in my thoughts. Exiled from civilization at my own doing.

Sometimes I think the only reason that I go back at all is so that no one comes to look for me and finds this place. This place is mine and only mine. This is the place that I can go and relive a happy memory. Close my eyes and live in another time, a time before all this mess. A time when things were much simpler.

The first thing that I do is go outside in the back of the small cottage and grab some wood from a pile that I'd placed there two weeks ago and bring it back inside.

I toss the three pieces of wood into the fireplace and take out a match, lighting a fire to keep warm. I sit down in front of the fire, on the quilt that my mother stitched. Buttercup curls up next to me and falls asleep right away.

This is when I take out the final piece to this house. The picture of my father and me fishing. At this very lake. I close my eyes and relive it for just a moment.

"Daddy, what's that song you're whistling?"

"It's called 'The Hanging Tree.'"

"What's it about?"

"Well, this man lived in a bad time, when people punished other people for no good reason. The bad people hung the man in the tree. And the man called out for his love when he was dying, so that she'd come hang herself too."

"Why would he do that?"

"Because he didn't want her to live in a bad world when he couldn't protect her any longer."

"That's a nice story," I said as I cast out my line into the lake.

"I think I got something dad!" I said, and as he helped me reel it in, the two of us whistled the tune together.

I hadn't caught a fish. I caught some type of root.

"Aw, I thought I actually caught something!" I said, flustered.

"Sweetheart, you did catch something. This is Katniss root."

"Katniss root? The one you said you named me for?"

"Yes. Your mom can make some good stew with this." He said, patting me on the back and smiling. Then he whistled the tune again while casting out his line.

I open my eyes. I was seven when he told me that story. He was always able to hide the brutality of the way that the world was from myself and my mother and Prim, yet he never had to lie in order to do it. He had a way with words like that. I hug the picture close to my chest and whisper "I miss you."

It's been seven long years since he was taken from us. Almost eight. I shake loose the memory and I get up to place the picture above the mantle of the fireplace, next to a few other pictures, and Peeta's pearl. To my right, there's a bookshelf containing books that my father had collected over the course of his life. I cleared space in the almost full bookshelf for just one more book. The one that my father started and that I am finishing. I'll put it there when it's done.

To my right, there's a small nightstand in the corner. A few momentos of Prim that I brought from the old house sit on top of it. There's a small lamp on the table as well but there's no electricity in this cottage so I've no idea why I brought it.

Behind me is the little kitchenette. There must have been electricity here at some point in time, maybe for the family that used to live here. But this place has been abandoned for a long time. So I don't have a use for that stuff either, but I don't know what else to do with it.

Directly across from the door I came in, is a hallway. In the hallway are three doors. The one in the middle is a small bathroom, but there's no plumbing. The other two doors each lead to very small, quaint bedrooms. The beds are still there. But other than the beds, the night stand, the kitchen, and the bookshelf, there's no furniture in the house.

There's only the quilt that lies on the floor across from the fireplace. I go back to it now, and decide to stay here. I knew that I would anyway, I guess, as I left around nine at night and it's now close to one. I curl up on the quilt, and let myself be engulfed by the warm fire burning three feet away from me, as I drift into a deep sleep.


	5. Lux Aeterna

**A/N: Song for this chapter is "Lux Aeterna" by Clint Mansell. It's all instrumental, no lyrics, but it's deep. It's for Katniss' dream sequence. **

Being here keeps me sane in many ways, but one thing it doesn't do, is keep away the nightmares.

Normally, in my nightmares, I see people dying. I watch them die over and over again, each time trying to save them, and each time, failing miserably. But this time that isn't what haunts me in my dream.

This is:

I'm walking to the lake, same way I do most every night. Buttercup isn't with me this time, though. At first I'm relieved that he won't cause me to miss any deer or any other game. Then I realize the sound. The sound of silence in the woods. No crickets chirping, no owls hooting, no movements, no sounds, at all. Anywhere. I become less and less relieved and increasingly more aware of just how eerie this silence is.

Any normal person would realize that something is wrong and turn back, back to the house, to the town. But I don't. I keep going. To the lakehouse, like it's any other night.

After walking quite a ways, I finally get to a clearing near the lake. Only there isn't supposed to be a clearing. The lake opens up pretty close to the edge of the woods. Confused, I look down and see mud surrounding my ankles. I look around me and see the location which the house should be, but it's not there.

Observing my surroundings more carefully, I realize that I'm standing where the lake should be. Where there used to be water, there is only a mush that I seem to be sinking into. Immediately upon realizing that the mud is trapping me, threatening to suffocate me, I panic. It's only after a few minutes of utter terror that I force myself to calm down. Once I do, climbing out of the lake that was swallowing me wasn't as hard as it could have been.

Since the house isn't there, I realize I'm not safe here. I don't know what makes me feel this way, since the silence tells me there aren't any predators out. It still doesn't feel safe here. So at this time I begin sprinting back towards the district.

The silence is still present on the edge of the district. This isn't right. Frantically, I run until I feel like I'm going to collapse. I go through the edges of town, the Seam, the merchant district, and finally, the Victor's Village, and there's not a soul in sight.

I burst open what should be Haymitch's house, to find that it doesn't smell of booze and vomit the way it normally does, nor is it a mess. It's brand new, like no one has ever lived here. Peeta's house is the same way, brand new, not a single sign of it ever being used.

My panic turns to more of a feeling of acceptance.

Now that the initial shock is over, I tread to my house, knowing that I am and forever will be alone in this world. But then I open my door and see Peeta standing there, directly across from where I now stand. In front of my kitchen table. He stands with no expression on his face, very still, his arms folded across his chest. He looks like he's in pain.

I call out to him but get no reply, it's like he doesn't see me. I walk over to him and get within inches of his face. I wave my hand in front of his face but he doesn't even flinch.

Then I try to touch him. I try to take his hand, but my hand goes straight through his, like one of us isn't really there. Desperate, I throw my arms around him, needing to feel his presence. But then his body turns to ash in my arms.

I wake up in the early morning. The sun isn't out yet but the birds are beginning to wake up and it's no longer dark outside. I realize that I woke up because my fire is out and I'm shivering, though I don't know if I should attribute the shivering to the incredibly horrible nightmare or the fact that it's cold out. Maybe both.

I take a few moments to try and interpret this dream, since it's different from the nightmares that I've been plagued with for nearly three years. But I'm not an expert on it. If this dream means something, the person that can help me is Doctor Aurelius, who I'm not ready to let into my psyche. I do the best I can to shake it off.

Buttercup isn't here, but normally when I stay here overnight he'll come in hauling some dead rodent shortly before I go back to the district. He's probably off somewhere catching one.

I take this opportunity to hunt, myself. I sling my bow over my shoulder as well as my quiver and put on my boots.

I hike to the north side of the lake, where there's a hiking trail, but I veer off the trail halfway through it and go off to catch some prey.

In an hours time, I've already caught two squirrels and a rabbit. I saw a bear and I could have killed it if I wanted to, but there's no way I'd be able to haul that thing all the way back to 12 by myself. I sure as hell don't want any help, and I don't kill anything for the fun of it. I sell, or, most of the time, give everything I kill to a family that needs it. I always bring Greasy Sae something, and she'll cook it for dinner and we'll eat together. Or she'll eat, and I'll force myself to take a few bites before going to bed. Though recently I have been eating a bit more.

Buttercup waits at the front door of the cottage with a mouse mangled in his teeth as I get back from my hunt. "That's disgusting," I tell him, standing there looking at him.

"Let's go." I say, and he drops the mouse at the foot of the door before following me back into the woods on the way home.

I hope that mouse isn't there the next time I come here. I don't want to have to deal with that. But I'm sure some night scavenger will take advantage of Buttercup's kill before I come back here.

I don't normally take my haul to the Hob anymore, it's too painful to go there as of right now, so now when I have game I just take it home with me and Sae takes it to the Hob when she goes to sell the stew that she makes.

"What did ya catch today, girl?"

"Two rabbits and two squirrels," I say, putting the bag on the floor.

"Well, let's cook em up before the smell sets in." She says, picking up a rabbit by the ears.

I don't like to watch this part so I tell her I'm going upstairs to shower.

When I get to my bedroom, I take off my hunting boots and socks and my jacket. I grab a towel and I close the bathroom door and just get in the shower when I hear a scratching at the door. I don't know why I don't just leave the bathroom door open, this happens every time. I always have to get out of the shower soaking wet to let that damn cat in or he'll scratch a hole in the door and meow till it drives me crazy and I give in and open it.

When I open it, he walks in with his tail up and jumps up onto the sink and begins to clean himself. I watch him but then he gives me a look so I get back into the shower. As if _I'm _the one intruding on _him. _

After I'm done, I wrap myself in a towel and flip my hair over my head, and squeeze it dry over the shower drain.

I open the door and walk towards my bed. At the head of my bed is my window. One of the only two windows in the room. From this window, I can see straight into Peeta's bedroom. He isn't normally there when I look outside my window into his. But today, he is.

He's painting something. I walk closer to get a better look.

With my face nearly pressed up against the window, I see him carefully stroking the canvas in front of him with his brush.

I'd expect it to be a picture of me. Or a memory, or even Haymitch.

But when he steps back to observe his work, I see a single image on it. A dandelion.

Dandelions always have a strange affect on me. That's another thing I probably will never begin to understand. And it reminds me that I have to call the doctor today.

He picks up on the first ring, knowing that I call on this day, normally about this hour.

"Always a pleasure to hear from you, Katniss. How are you?"

"I'm okay."

"Just okay? Is there anything you'd like to talk about?"

Yes, actually. My nightmare, the dandelion thing, my conversation with Peeta, and that's just on the surface of my brain. But I'm scared to death that by mentioning any of these things, I'll make them true and send myself into an even darker oblivion. So, I answer this question in the same way that I normally do.

"No, not really."

"Mhm," he says, and it's obvious he doesn't believe me. Still, he doesn't press.

"And how are your eating habits?"

"Better," this I can actually say without lying. They're still bad. I still have to force myself to swallow even a couple bites of each meal. But it's far better than willing myself to starve to death, isn't it?

"Have you been taking your pills?"

No. Doctor Aurelius sent me a few pill bottles. One is supposed to help me sleep. It's the same ones that Effie got me two years ago when I was having so much trouble sleeping on the train, during the victory tour. The pills made the nightmares less frequent, but the ones I did have were twice as bad as they were before I took the pills. Plus, those pills completely consumed all my energy. They turned me into a zombie most days.

I have other pills to give me an appetite, and one more, for the pain. The emotional pain. Antidepressants, I think.

Three different pills, none of which I've been taking. So I tell him,

"I'm out."

I'm not out, in fact, if I started taking them the way I should, four months would go by before I ran out. But I can't tell him I'm not taking them. If I told him that I was taking the pills, he might become suspicious.

"I'll send some on the next train to your district. How's your sleeping habits? Improving at all?"

This would be the opportune time to tell him about the dream, had I wanted to. Had I not been terrified of speaking of my dreams.

"No."

He asks me several more routine questions, that I answer in the same way I always do. He always ends the conversation with, "I'll expect your call next week. But by all means, if there's anything you need to talk about, call anytime."

Rude as it is, I normally hang up after that without saying anything. I have no desire to talk to Doctor Aurelius about anything. I can't even talk to my mother about any of the things troubling me. Not even Haymitch. Not even Peeta.


	6. Colorful Mind

**A/N: Song for this chapter is "Colorful Mind" by Broken Iris. **

I hang up the dandelion painting once I'm finished with it. Right above my bed. Right below the window that looks across to Katniss' bedroom window. She's standing there, watching me. Her hair is wet, she must have just showered. A good sign. Another sign that things are becoming slightly more normal and less hellish. That's when I decide there's a better place to put it. I take it off the wall and move it across to the other side of my room. Now, it hangs across from the window in a place that both of us can see it.

But when I turn around and look out the window again, she's no longer standing there.

I head downstairs and look at the time. It's nearly five o' clock in the afternoon, the time we normally get our mail.

I'm expecting a packet of information from the Capitol, about my bakery's equipment. They are the papers that I need to sign and hand-deliver to the Capitol to get my permit for operating my business, as well as shipping the necessary equipment back here.

Haymitch is there, eating today's donuts. "You do realize that other people like those too." I tell him, seeing him take four or five in his hands.

"These have got to last me awhile, since you're going to the Capitol and all."

Then he sets a packet down on the table addressed to me. "Don't know if I'm supposed to wish you luck or tell you you're an idiot for going."

"I'm coming right back. You know I just have to go sign paperwork and make arrangements for the equipment to be shipped."

"You should talk to Katniss before you leave."

"I plan on it. But don't expect anything."

"Never do. No expectations, no disappointment. So if you decide to stay over there a bit longer don't expect me to be all teary-eyed." He says, but he turns his head as he leaves my house. In his own way, that was a tender good bye. You just have to read between the lines. Very deep between the lines.

Inside the packet is a letter addressed to me from Effie.

_Dear Peeta, _

_I've included your itinerary for your trip here with the papers that need to be filled out and delivered here. I also took it upon myself to send you a few brochures of the stores here that sell the baking supplies you'll need. Oh, this should be fun! Looking forward to seeing you! Don't be late!_

_XOXO, Effie_

I take a look at my itinerary. I was just planning on going to the station in the morning and catching whatever train is next to the Capitol. But this probably works out better. My train leaves at ten in the morning.

I decide that I'll stop by Katniss' house on my way to the train tomorrow morning. I'd like to leave a little bit more time between our last conversation and the next one, hoping maybe the more time she has to get used to me being here, the better our progress will be in speaking to each other.

I go upstairs and shower, then put on my sweatpants and take off my shirt before sitting cross legged on my bed, the brochures in hand. There's plenty of options in here, it being the Capitol and all, but I decide on the equipment models that will get the job done and that's it. I don't need all of the extras. To me, that's a waste of money. I have plenty of it, but I don't like wasting anything. Food, money, anything.

I set aside the amount of cash I'll need for the equipment that I've already decided on and put it on top of my dresser along with the train ticket that I bought yesterday. I bring along a little extra just in case, but not much because I am going to these places with Effie, and I know she'll try to get me to purchase something fancy or lavish for my bakery that I know that I don't need.

I really don't need her help, but she took it upon herself to be my Capitol shopping tour guide, and I didn't have the heart to tell her I'd rather just get there, handle business, and get back. I don't want to be in the Capitol any longer than I have to be. I don't trust myself there. I handle my flashbacks better here than I do in the Capitol, and for good reason. But I figure it'll be okay because, to my knowledge, none of my memories involving Effie have been tampered with.

Then I hear a loud, banging noise. Then the noise of something shattering. I run downstairs afraid of what it might be. Haymitch is there, but he looks just as confused as I am. We both seem to trace the sound to Katniss' house at the same time. "I'll check on it, stay here. Might be too unstable for you." He says, before running out and over to Katniss' house. I know I'm better here, but I pace back and forth in my worry, until I find something to fidget with to busy my hands, a rope.


	7. Sick and Twisted Affair

**A/N: Song for this chapter is "Sick and Twisted Affair" by My Darkest Days. Goes well with Katniss losing it.**

Sae makes me a sandwich for lunch, and she doesn't leave until I've finished at least half of it, which, I feel bad for, since it takes me two hours just to accomplish that.

But then around three o clock she finally heads home for the day, telling me that she's left a stew for me in the oven, I've just got to heat it up.

She won't be here to watch me, but she's done this before. If I didn't eat any, she'd know, because when she came over the next day, she'd see that none was gone. I could probably get away with not eating any of it, I guess, by throwing it out or down the drain, but the idea of wasting food still disgusts me.

Then I get the clever idea to feed some to Buttercup. I'm too mentally exhausted to even take one bite, especially after having to force myself to keep the sandwich down.

I sit in front of my television for awhile, though the screen is black. There's nothing on that is remotely interesting to me, and it occurs to me that I have no idea why I even have this television.

I stand up and without thinking, I kick it. It falls over but doesn't break, so I take a lamp and swing it at the television. The light bulb bursts and goes out the second it makes impact with the screen, which I hear crack at the same time. Now, in the darkness, I take out all my inner turmoil on this poor television set.

I throw all my anger and hatred into destroying this television set. This television, that's aired countless hunger games, countless Capitol announcements, my interviews, Peeta's interviews, other tribute's interviews, the one that my sister and mother watched every night, waiting to hear if their sister and daughter was killed yet or not.

I beat it with my bare hands until my front door swings open, Haymitch standing there in my doorway, leaning on the beam for support, drink in his other hand. The fading light of dusk outside surrounds me, and it's then that I realize that I've beaten my knuckles bloody. The sight of the blood makes me stop. Frustrated, I stop, and cower over to a corner, watching Haymitch, waiting for a lecture that I know I'm going to get.

Still not sober enough to be quite aware of what is going on, he demands to know what all the ruckus is. Then he sees me, in the corner, scared, confused, angry, hands bloodied, and his look changes from confusion to frustration. He sighs when he walks over to me.

"Girl, what in the hell are you doing?"

I'm not quite sure how to answer this question.

"I… I don't kn-"I start to say, but he puts a hand over my mouth and tells me, "Shh."

He throws one of my arms over his shoulder and helps me up, then walks me over to the couch and makes me sit.

He observes my hands more closely here, but he struggles to focus, being drunk.

Exasperated, he asks, "Well? Don't you have some kind of bandage somewhere to wrap this up?"

"Bathroom cabinet. There might be something."

Haymitch gets up and goes into my downstairs bathroom. Coming out, he holds in his hand not bandages, but the three, entirely full bottles of pills that I've put in there and forgotten about. He shakes his head as I watch him walk over to the kitchen table. He pauses, just for a moment, before slamming the pills onto the table and forcing me to jump in my seat.

"Damnit! Katniss how are we supposed to help you if you can't even help yourself?"

Part of me wants to protest. To stand up and shout back at him, louder than he's shouting at me. To call him a hypocrit for accusing me of not helping myself when he's standing there killing his own pain with his white liquor. To get in his face and tell him that what I do and how I live is none of his concern. But my resistance would be futile. There are more people here on his side. I'm sure Sae wouldn't be happy to hear that I'm refusing the pills. And if one of them clued Doctor Aurelius in, I'd be in for a lot more trouble. So I just let him get it out of his system. Staring straight ahead, not really paying attention to what he's saying.

At some point in the next few minutes, his yelling calms to normal tone, as he then picks up the bottles and forces me to hold them.

"I'll be back with the boy," he says, "to patch up those hands," he tells me, looking at my bloodied knuckles.

I sigh. "It's not even that bad. I don't need him to come over here."

"No, but he heard the commotion too. Told him I'd come check it out. You know if I say nothing's wrong he'll know I'm lying and come on over anyway."

I curse under my breath. When he leaves, I get up and rinse my hands off in the bathroom, trying to clean them up as best I can so that Peeta won't assume the worst. Maybe I can get away with telling him I fell instead of telling him the truth. Then he'd leave me alone once my hands were bandaged.

It doesn't work though. He comes in and glances at my face, then the tv and lamp, not to mention the broken glass all over the floor, then to my knuckles. Peeta's not stupid. He pieces things together rather quickly.

He gets the bandages he brought from his house out of his pocket. Guess I didn't have any. He kneels down in front of me and holds one of my hands in his, observing the damage.

"It's not as bad as it looks. Though you're the healer, so I'm sure you knew that."

I don't say anything. Then he says, "Real or not real?"

"What?" I say, confused as to what he is asking.

"You're a healer. Real or not real?"

I think about this for a moment. And I know that we had, I mean, have, different opinions on this.

"Well, you used to think so."

"Did I?" He asks me, then he asks me something else but I don't hear what he says, because I'm paying attention to the way he's wrapping my hand. So delicately, precisely. You'd think he was decorating a cake.

"Why do you do that?" I say.

"Do what?"

"Put so much concentration into everything."

He looks saddened, and I don't think he's going to answer me. But once one hand is finished he begins wrapping the other one. Then he says, "Because if I don't, I might fall apart."

It hurts me, in a way I didn't think anything could anymore.

"How?"

"My flashbacks. The littlest things can trigger them. And I never know when one will attack me. I have to be on guard at all times." He tells me, as he finishes wrapping my other hand. He goes slow at the end, though I'm not sure why. Maybe the injury is worse on this hand than the other one.

I can't even imagine being constantly afraid of being attacked by a flashback. But then I realize I don't even know what it is, exactly.

"What's it like?"

"Hm?" He asks me, standing now.

"Your flashbacks."

"It's like, you know the feeling of déjà vu? Where you feel like something has happened before?"

I nod.

"It's like that, only, it doesn't go away the way déjà vu does. It gives me headaches and nausea, and my entire body hurts. Then a memory replays in my mind. Except I never know if it's real or not."

I must look like I'm listening intently, because he continues, "I've worn out the polish on the back of one of the wooden chairs in my kitchen. I have to grasp something while I'm having the flashbacks. Otherwise I can't control myself."

"Like with the handcuffs?" I ask. I'm referring to the handcuffs he requested me to leave on his wrists in the Capitol near the end of the war, not too long ago. He told me they helped to keep him in his sanity.

"Yeah. Kind of."

Never knowing what's real or not? Having to destroy furniture in your house in order to not go completely psychotic? I can't imagine what that's like.

Guilt pangs me again, for many reasons. They did this to him to hurt me. I can't shake the fact that I am partially responsible for the hell that Peeta goes through when he has these flashbacks.

And another reason is because I know how incredibly selfish I've been. How could I be so focused on burying my memories, on speaking to no one, on ignoring Peeta, when he needed me? I know there's questions he needs to ask me that I would much rather do anything else than answer, but don't I owe him that?

I'm about to tell him that we can talk, if he wants. But then he looks down and I follow his eyes to the full bottles of pills.

He kneels down in front of me again. "You haven't been taking your pills?"

I meet his gaze. His eyes reflect the boy I tried to keep alive in the cave in the first Games. The innocence, the purity, the willingness to put my needs above his own. And while looking into his eyes I feel something I buried a long time ago. Then I realize that I'm sailing in dangerous waters.

I force myself to look away from him. I could stand up and tell him to leave right now. I could tell him that this isn't any of his business. And really, it isn't. But I feel so guilty for the pain that he's going through that I don't want to add to that pain in any way.

I make myself stand up and I take the pill bottles in my wounded hands. "I will tonight."

He looks at me questioningly.

"I will. I promise."

He seems satisfied, and tells me that he'll stop by in the morning to check up on me and change the bandages if they need it before shutting my door, walking out into the night.


	8. Brain Damage

**A/N: The song for this chapter is "Brain Damage" by Pink Floyd**

After all this, it's only eight thirty but I decide to go ahead and go to bed early. I look across at Katniss' bedroom window one time before I turn out the lights. Her room is dark. All I can see are two little greenish yellow eyes peering back at me and I know he's there. And him being there means that she's there as well, safe in her bed.

I hope.

Going to bed at eight thirty wasn't the smartest idea in the world, because here I am, wide awake at four o'clock in the morning. I spend about thirty minutes trying to just get a little more sleep, knowing that in the Capitol, I'll surely need it. But I've still got a night on the train to sleep as well. After four thirty passes, I give up and turn on the light by my bed.

It's still dark out. I look across the way to Katniss' window, just as I do every morning when I wake up and every night when I go to bed. Her light is off and Buttercup is still perched on the windowsill, eyeing me. I wave to him then feel ridiculous for waving to a cat.

In another hour, I'm packed and ready to go, but I've still got quite awhile before I have to leave. I think about going to Katniss' now, but if she's still sleeping I don't want to wake her up. Haymitch is always up at this time, but I poke my head out the front door to be sure. No lights on, but I hear stuff banging around so I head on over, making sure to bring a few jelly donuts for him.

"Who in the hell is pounding on my door?" He says, while opening it. "Oh. I should have figured it'd be you."

"These should cheer you up," I tell him, handing him the donuts. He takes them and stuffs his mouth with half of one, before opening the door wider and moving to let me come in.

When he swallows, he asks me what I'm doing here so early.

"I've got to leave at ten to the Capitol. I was wondering if you might have any last minute advice for me, you know, to avoid any flashbacks or other mishaps."

Actually, I was just bored and looking to kill time, but something tells me not to let him in on that.

"Ain't that the kinda thing you should be askin your doctor?"

Ooops. I come up with something quick.

"Of course I asked him. But I need all the help I can get." I lied.

"Well," He says, not entirely convinced, "I'd steer clear of that mansion."

Well, obviously.

Haymitch goes into his kitchen and I hear different pots and things being tossed around. I'm about to go in and ask if he needs any help but just then he comes out holding, of course, a bottle of white liquor.

He pops it open with his teeth. "Care for a drink before your trip?"

"No, that's okay. I need to make sure that I'm completely in control of my mind for this trip."

Even though I won't be in the Capitol until tomorrow morning. Drinking is just an overall bad idea when I'm still so unstable. It takes all I have to keep myself together now. Add a trigger that comes from something I see on the train? Who knows what I'll do?

A few hours later I decide I should have just stayed home. Because instead of waiting to pass time at home, I'm now babysitting a drunk Haymitch to make sure he doesn't vomit all over himself or trip and fall or do something incredibly stupid. Luckily, he passes out about eight o' clock, which is perfect because it gives me an hour to talk to Katniss.

I grab my things from my house, and I knock on her door. No answer. No matter, she didn't answer last time. I knock once more before opening it. I peek my head in. "Katniss?" I say, and I look at the table she sat at the last time I was here. But she's not there.

I search the house but there's no sign of her or of Buttercup, so I know she went hunting. I decide to use this hour to do one more thing.

An hour later, I place the cheese buns I've baked on the table in her house so they'll be there when she gets back. I wanted to leave a note telling her where I'll be and when I'll be back, but I decided against it. I won't be gone but for a couple of days, and I doubt she'll notice my absence. If she does, I doubt she'll care.

I was looking forward to this train ride at first. To the peace and quiet. I'd have my own stateroom where I wouldn't be disturbed by a drunk man banging on my door demanding donuts, and I can be alone in my thoughts. I can sleep, paint, eat, draw, do whatever I want to do.

But I was wrong.

This train brings me back to the insanity that I faced in the Capitol. I had my first flashback as soon as I boarded. I'm sure the crew members taking passenger's tickets in the boarding car recognized me, but they probably wouldn't understand me looking like I was having a seizure. I did the best I could to hold it back until I got to my stateroom, but I probably still looked like I was in a morphling withdrawal or something.

The flashback got worse when I got into my room. I highly doubt that this is the exact same train I took to the Capitol in any of my previous trips there, but since all trains were built in a factory in District 6, transportation, they all look exactly alike.

I have memories associated with this bedroom.

I throw my bag down as soon as I get into the door and then slam the door shut. I immediately fall to the floor and try to find something to grasp, but nothing is there. In desperation I claw the carpet and end up with two balled fists instead. I writhe back and forth, eyes darting back and forth, body shaking tremendously, head pounding, stomach churning, and I prepare myself for what comes next.

The memories don't go in order. I see glimpses of different things. First I see Katniss and I in this very room, sleeping in each other's arms. The pleasant sight calms me slightly but I'm still in a lot of pain. Then I see all kinds of different scenarios where she tries to kill me, and even one where I try to kill her.

But that's not the most disturbing image.

The most disturbing image is of us, lying together in the bed. Most of our bodies are under the blankets, but our shoulders and heads are exposed, and we're not clothed. That's all I see though, and then I come out of my flashback.

I grab my bag as soon as I can see straight again, and I get my pain pills out of it and pop two of them at once. Then I sit there on the floor, rocking myself back in forth, repeating to myself all the things that I know to be true. Which, after a flashback, isn't a whole lot. I force myself to breathe and to calm myself down.

The rest of the day, the littlest things, a knife, a roll, even a cup of hot chocolate sends me back into madness. I can't escape it here. Maybe I'm not well enough to have come. Maybe I should have waited. Being in district 12 has been working for me but maybe I'm too unstable to leave it for now. Several times I consider telling someone to just drop me off at the next district we pass so I can get a train back, but I force myself not to every time. I have to face this.

When nightfall comes I feel a sense of relief. As I climb into my bed, I close my eyes and try to make sense of things. Sometimes, after coming out of flashbacks, everything I saw seems real. But the more time that goes by, the easier it is to sort out. Like, I'm positive I didn't try to kill Katniss on this train. I highly doubt she tried to kill me in any of the ways I saw in the flashback. But other things, such as her sleeping in my arms and…the other vision I had…those are harder to figure out.

I am close to sleep when I almost think I'm about to have another flashback, but it doesn't come. What does is an enveloping feeling, a warm, tingling sensation, like there's someone here with me. I open my eyes, but no one is there and the feeling subsides. Desperate to get it back, I close my eyes again, but this time I just drift off to sleep.

The first thing I do the following morning is look out the window. It's light out, I'd guess mid morning, but I've got another hour or so before I get there. So I take this time to sort through things in my head once more before having to deal with a whole new mess of triggers that I'm sure I'll get in the Capitol.

The first thing I think is, "Did we?" If that vision was true, then a whole bunch of other memories I have may be true. I seem to remember telling Caesar about a baby. Was that baby real? Or was it a hoax? A joke? A lie? Something else? Did she hurt it like I saw in one of my flashbacks? Or did she lose it some other way, like the Capitol told the country she did? That's if it was real in the first place. And that's all if this vision is real in the first place.

I keep looking for something fuzzy in the vision, but now that I'm not actually in the flashback, it's hard to see. I can't remember anything looking shiny or fuzzy or having any other quality. But I do remember something not being right about it. But I can't figure out what.

This only bothers me even more because I know that I'll have to face these memories on the train ride back. And I won't have anyone there to help me make sense of things. The only person that can do that, is barely speaking to me. And if I come right out and ask her about this, I don't think I'll get an answer.


	9. Fences

**A/N: Song for this chapter is "Fences" by Paramore. Particularly, the scene where Peeta is walking to Dr. Aurelius' office.**

I grasp the handle of my luggage bag firmly as I step off of the train and onto the neon sidewalks of the Capitol train station. I'll need something to grab onto in case of a flashback, but the bag will have to do.

Effie is there, already waiting for me, checking her watch and tapping her foot until she sees me. "Peeta!" She says, briskly walking in her four inch heels towards me, arms outward ready to embrace me. I back away.

"I'm sorry Effie. I'm not feeling too well." Effie knows I'm seeing Dr. Aurelius for flashbacks, but she doesn't really know what those flashbacks are like, and how dangerous they are, to me and everyone else. And I don't have the heart to tell her. But I also can't tell her that I am afraid of hugging her because I might have some psychotic break.

She just nods her head and gives me a sympathizing look. Then we begin walking towards the hotel I'll be staying in. The only one left undamaged was, ironically, the training center. They converted it into a hotel.

She talks to me about the things she's been up to since I left to district 12, but that was just over a month ago, so it's not really anything new. I should be listening, but I spend my time on this short walk to the old training center debating on whether or not I should just turn around and get on the next train back home.

I should have made the smart decision to call Dr. Aurelius before coming and get his opinion on it. That actually did run through the back of my mind, but maybe I didn't act on it or really think about doing that because I know that his answer would be "no."

I'm just so anxious to get my bakery up and running that I wanted to be here and get all this done as quickly as possible. Plus, I've been doing so well in district 12 that I didn't think I'd have much trouble at all being back here. But, like I suspected, the reason I don't have much trouble there is because there aren't as many bad memories to haunt me there and send me into the darkness of a flashback.

Suddenly, I remember Katniss, and I realize it's because Effie mentioned her.

"Huh?" I ask as I turn to her.

"I asked you how Katniss was doing." She tells me.

I have to find a way to change the subject. As much as I'd like to talk about Katniss, the other side of me is so unpredictable right now that I know it's dangerous. There's certain trigger words that I'm sure would break me, and I don't even know what they are.

"She's fine. Haymitch is doing well too."

Not the road I should have taken. She says, "Hmph. Still a drunk, I'm sure. Now…"

She starts to ask about Katniss again. And I know the only way to get her to forget about Katniss. "So, where did you get your shoes?" I interrupt.

My plan works because she talks about some famous designer from district 2 that sold her the shoes, and she goes on and on about how she got such a good deal on them. Before I know it, I stand before the training center.

She escorts me inside, and we go see a man at the front desk. He is wearing white stretchy pants, a pink v-neck t shirt, and he's got long blonde hair and makeup on. Not an odd sight here in the Capitol. In any of the districts, though, this man would be waaaaay out of place.

"Hello!" He says, looking excited to see us. They must not have many guests. It is a rather small hotel though. Only twelve suites. That reminds me. I tap Effie on the shoulder.

"Effie, would it be at all possible to get a room on a bottom floor?"

"Why on earth…? But the view on 12 is just soooo…" She starts to say.

"I'd rather just stay on a bottom floor, please." I tell her, politely as possible. She shrugs her shoulders, clearly not putting the pieces together, but then she requests a bottom floor for me.

The man checks a book that sits out in front of him. "We're remodeling the first three. But I've got some space on four, if you'd like."

"That would be fine," I tell him, "Thank you."

Effie gets the same suite as I, only she'll be staying in the other bedroom. She lives here, in the Capitol, not too far from the hotel. But maybe she just likes the glamour of staying here. Or the memories. Though I can't imagine why.

"Oh, how pretty!" She exclaims when she opens the door. The walls are painted a very soft blue, with white trim. The carpet is a royal blue, and one of the walls has been made into a giant fish tank. Or maybe it was always like that. This is the suite that used to house the district 4 tributes.

The sinks in the bathrooms are designed to look like sea shells, and the furniture is made of clay or something, but painted and glazed over with starfish. The cushions are a sea green color.

Overall, it's a beautiful room. I feel calm here, and I feel slightly relieved. Feeling calm is good. Maybe I can do this after all.

But then the phone rings.

"Don't answer th…" I was going to say, but Effie's already got the phone to her ear. "Oh, yes, he's right here!" She says, handing me the phone.

Crap. I have a feeling I know who this is.

I'm right. "What in the world do you think you're doing here?" Dr. Aurelius asks me, voice annoyed but not raised, he probably doesn't want to do anything to set me off.

"I need some supplies for my bakery back home. For my therapy."

"Weren't you running a small bakery out of your house?"

"Yes, but it's not the same. I can't do all the things I could do in my family's bakery."

"Peeta, it's a very, very bad idea for you to be back here so soon."

"I know. I had a lot of flashbacks on the train over here."

"Where are you staying?"

"The hotel that used to be the training center." Before he has a chance to argue with me about all the things that can go wrong, I tell him that I'm not on the twelfth floor. It calms him down slightly, but he still sounds alarmed.

"When are you going back?"

"The day after tomorrow."

"I want you to come into my office for a session before leaving. No excuses. You'd better be here. Anytime between now and before you leave."

I'm pretty sure I can get Effie to arrange that. Might make her feel helpful. "Okay."

"Put Effie on the phone."

I hand Effie the phone and then take my luggage into one of the rooms. On the walls, are pictures of sea life. There's a fish bowl on my nightstand, with a fish inside it. A small goldfish. I put my face up to the glass. "Hello." Then I ask myself why I'm speaking to a fish. I open the drawer to the nightstand and find some food for it, so I sprinkle a few flakes in the bowl.

Then there's a knock at the door.

"Peeta, change of plans. Dr. Aurelius told me it'd be best if I didn't stay here. I called the front desk and they're going to put me on the top floor. 12."

"Okay," I say, standing back, hoping there's no trigger associated with hearing floor 12. I'm desperately hoping she'll leave soon, because the sooner she leaves, the less chance there is of her saying something that sets me off.

"I'll be here at nine in the morning, we'll go get some breakfast before going shopping. Oh, this will be fun," and she continues to speak even after she's out my door.

Once she leaves the suite, I lock and deadbolt the front door. Not that it would help. The Capitol version of myself could unbolt that lock just as easily as I'd bolted it. But at least that way no one can come in unannounced. No one needs to be near me when I'm such a danger.

I give myself an hour to get situated, get comfortable, learn how to work the television and all that. But as soon as I get the television started, I shut it off. Probably not the best idea either.

Finding myself somewhat bored, I decide to leave the hotel and go to see Dr. Aurelius now.

I walk alone on the way there. At first, I walk while looking straight, but I find that it's hard.

I constantly feel the pull of something in the deeper part of my mind just waiting for something to bring it to the surface. Not only that, but I feel eyes on me. Constantly. People walking stop in their tracks when they see me. Some point to me while whispering into their friends' ears. Some look at me and look away. Some even look at me and then walk in the opposite direction.

I walk the rest of the way with my head down. These people make me feel even more out of place than I already am. Do they expect me to do some kind of circus trick or something? Are they just waiting for me to wig out on something? Are they…_afraid_ of me? The fact that I feel I'm on display for everyone else's amusement doesn't go away. And I feel like the little fish in the bowl in my room. People looking at me through glass walls, never even thinking about what it would be like to be on the other side of that glass.

Somehow, I make it to the doctors office with no flashback or other mishap. I find him on the other side of his door, behind his desk, playing with some desk toy, waiting for me.

"I figured you'd be by today."

"How so?"

"Effie told me you and her would be shopping all day tomorrow. Sit." He tells me, standing up and motioning to the couch across from his desk. I do as he says and then say, "I hardly think it'll last all day long. I already know what I'll be getting."

"Don't count on it," he says, hiding a smile.

"So what did you need me here for?"

"I just figured since you're here, we should have a session in person. And it might help keep the flashbacks away until you go back home. Tell me, which ones were they?"

"They all had to do with Katniss and me. On the train."

"The ones you told me about before?" He says.

"Yes."

"Did you experience all of your usual symptoms?"

"Yes. The nausea and headaches. Dizziness."

"And this time, how well were you able to distinguish between the real and not real?"

"Well, some of them, like her trying to kill me or me trying to kill her, those I recognized to be not real not too long after coming out of the flashback."

"How long?"

"I don't know, I went back and forth with it for about twenty minutes, I guess. The more time went by, the less real it seemed. At the end of the twenty minutes, every part of either of those events seemed ridiculous."

He writes stuff down on his notepad. "And the others?"

"The other visions?"

"Yeah."

"The others were the same ones I had before. The ones you don't know are true or not. Or me. The ones I have to ask her about." I say, referring to Katniss.

"Yes, but did you see anything fuzzy or out of place in them?"

"Not that I can remember."

We talked for another hour or so, without him bringing up Katniss. Probably figured it'd be best if he didn't. But then after the hour goes by, he does.

"Just one more thing, Peeta, before you go."

I wait, listening.

"Katniss, she tells me she's doing much better. She's hunting, eating, all that. How is she really?"

This is where I have to make a decision that I'm not comfortable making. Do I tell him that she hasn't been taking her pills? She needs to be, to help her. But I feel like if I say anything, I'd be betraying her. I can't do that again. I've done that too much already.

I feel something deep inside me gnawing at me, and then I feel it coming. The thing. The part of me I'd suppressed. My doppelganger, whose desire is to kill her.


	10. Hopeless

**A/N: I recommend you skip this chapter if you're in your early teens or before. It's kind of dark. It's got some self-inflicted harm, though it's not intentionally done. Song for this chapter is "Hopeless" by Breaking Benjamin.**

Once Peeta leaves, I hold out the pill bottles in my hands and read the labels once more before going upstairs to my bedroom.

I set them on my nightstand so I won't conveniently "forget" to take them the way I normally do.

Buttercup hobbles upstairs and then jumps up on my bed and curls up into a little ball on my pillow. Damn cat.

I look over in Peeta's window before changing. He's not there. I take off my jacket, boots, and pants, but I leave on everything else, including the long shirt I wore today.

I toss Buttercup aside who then gives me an evil look before curling up at the foot of my bed. Then I get under my covers and lean my back against the headboard.

Picking up the first pill bottle, I must toss it back and forth from each hand to the other for awhile, not wanting to take the pills. One of them makes me miserable in the mornings but the other two I haven't taken so I don't know if they'd have any kind of affect on me. So there really isn't a logical reason that I shouldn't be taking them. Though, I still don't want to. I don't know if I'm justified in that or not.

But I think how I'd feel if Peeta were intentionally not going through with his treatment. I'd probably get to the point where I'd make him. I _did _promise him that I'd take the pills. And not taking them would just give him a reason to come over and check up on me more, which is definitely not a good thing right now.

The situation that I'm in now is working. Hunting, forcing myself to eat just enough so that no one calls Aurelius, being vaguely aware of Peeta's and Haymitch's presence. Knowing that they're not far away, but also not having them come over and bother me. That works for me. I don't want anything to change that.

I'm supposed to take one of the pills twice daily, and the other two once, just before bed. I decide to take all three at the same time.

I find that nothing happens when I do. It's not so hard. There's really no reason I should have not taken them to begin with.

So then I decide to take the second dose of the one pill. It's not hard either. So then I take another. And then another.

I don't take enough pills to cause any lasting harm to myself. Not enough to kill myself, and not enough to damage any internal organs. I do, however, take enough, hopefully, to knock me out to the point where I can finally have a dreamless sleep. Or at least get eight hours of sleep, uninterrupted by screams, nightmares, thrashing.

I crawl under the covers and shut off the light, and it doesn't take long for the pills to take affect. I'm asleep in almost no time at all.

But it doesn't stay that way.

I wake up with the worst stomach pain I'd ever felt just two hours later, according to the clock by my bed.

I immediately feel the need to vomit, so I throw the covers off my bed, putting a hand over my mouth as I try to run for the bathroom to throw up. But for some reason, my legs buckle and I fall flat on my face on the carpet. I throw up there, then when I can finally breathe again, I make the desperate attempt to crawl the rest of the way to the bathroom.

Once I get there, I vomit into the toilet a few more times; The vile stuff clogging both my airways, leaving me gasping for air.

My legs are still numb; I can't feel them at all and they are unusable. I start to wonder if maybe I _did _take enough to physically harm myself. I'm no doctor, after all. I have no idea the side effects of the pills, and I don't know what's in them.

My stomach is still churning, and my head spins. I feel the need to throw up again, but there's nothing left, so I spend the next hour dry-heaving over the toilet, and sticking a finger in the back of my throat hoping for something to come out so that the nausea hurts a little bit less, but nothing does.

I realize that for the two hours I was asleep, I felt comfortable, I had no nightmares, I didn't wake up screaming. It was the best two hours of sleep I've had in awhile.

But I won't get more sleep like that any time soon. Because I don't want to be up till five o' clock in the morning sick the way I am.

I assume that the vomiting episode was a way for my body to get rid of the pills before doing any damage to myself. Slowly, my stomach calms itself, and my vision clears, while my legs finally begin to feel normal and start to function normally.

Dawn is about to break by the time I crawl back into my bed, but after lying there in the dark for an hour, I give up on any more sleep.

I remember Peeta telling me he'd check up on me in the morning. I know that he gets up rather early, and I don't want him coming to check up on me. If he asks me if I took my pills, I wouldn't technically be lying if I said yes. But I wouldn't be giving the whole truth either. I don't need anything else to feel guilty about. So I decide to go to the lakehouse for the day.

I run a bath first. I smell like biscuits, beef, and stomach acid. Not very appealing to me. And it might drive game away.

I step in but find the water is too cold for my taste so I drain it out and start over. This time, I turn on only the hot knob, leaving the cold one off.

When the tub fills for the second time, I see the steam rising from the water that is probably well above a comfortable amount of heat. Regardless, after shutting off the water, I stick my right leg in.

It burns, to the point where it's painful. But it's not _nearly _as painful as when I put my leg in the ocean after the fog in the second arena, so then I put my other leg in the water. Once the burning feeling goes away, I slowly dip the rest of my body into the water.

I can't figure out why I don't just turn on the cold for a bit. I guess a part of me likes the burning sensation that the water is causing. Is this the same part of me that thought it would be a good idea to take too many pills? I force that thought out of my mind.

After ten minutes, I'm sweating from the amount of heat coming off the scalding water that surrounds me. I notice that my body has turned a pinkish color, probably from the water burning my skin. Then I examine all the imperfections on my body. Too many scars to count. Sure, I had the skin graphs done to cover the burns from the bombs in the Capitol, but all the other scars I've collected over the years haven't been covered.

I can't help but wonder why on Earth anyone would find me appealing. I'm not ugly, but I'm the poster child for average. A five out of ten, if I'm being generous. That's why I don't understand Peeta and Gale. But I can't focus on that. That part of my life is gone and won't be coming back. So what if I'm unappealing? I don't want anything to do with romance ever again anyway.

When I step out of the bath, the burning sensation turns to a tingling sensation that I actually find kind of pleasant. It goes away though by the time I'm done with my hair.

I get dressed and come downstairs. Sae will be here in an hour to make me breakfast, but there's really no point in eating today because it will probably just come right back up, considering. I look out the door to my right and left before leaving, heading towards the woods again. To my safe place.

When I return, I find some cheese buns on the table telling me that Peeta's been here, but he's not here now, so I lock my door and head upstairs.

I came home about twelve o' clock, not having been able to make it to even the district fence, my stomach and head hurt so bad. I curse myself for being stupid enough to think I could find the magical number of pills that would grant me a night of serenity and yet not make me sick. I decide I'd better call Dr. Aurelius to see how long these affects will last. I need to hunt. It's my therapy.

But then I know if I tell him, he'll probably tell Haymitch, or even worse, Peeta, to keep a closer eye on me, assuming that I took the pills for a more dangerous purpose, which isn't true at all.

This might be a good time to call my mother.


	11. Sweet Sacrifice

**A/N: Song for this chapter is "Sweet Sacrifice" by Evanescence. **

A nurse from the hospital in district 4 answers the phone.

"May I speak with Dr. Everdeen please?"

"She's in a meeting. Would you like to leave a message?"

I go back and forth a few seconds about this. I want to hang up, I want to hang up more than anything else right now. But I know that I need to talk to her or Dr. Aurelius, and the latter would be the decision with the most consequences. He'd make me go back to the Capitol for therapy. I'd much rather hunt for therapy.

"Just tell her that her daughter cal-" I start to say, but then the nurse insists that she'll pull my mother out of her meeting to speak to me, after hearing the word "daughter".

"Katniss?" She says, still not believing I'm on the other end of the line.

"Hi, mom."

"Hi baby how are you?"

"Fine."

Silence for a few moments.

"I hope you understand why I chose to come to District 4 Katniss…"

"Yeah, I get it. That's not why I called. I…"

"Yes?"

"I kind of took too many of the pills prescribed to me."

Silence again.

"…Why?" she says, sounding more worried than I thought she would.

"Not…for that. I just wanted a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. Thought maybe I could take them to knock me out."

"Honey that's not a safe bet to take."

"I know. But they made me sick and I don't feel well enough to hunt. I need to hunt, mom."

"I know. Have you spoken to doctor Aurelius about this?"

"No, and please don't tell him. I know he'll assume I did it for a worse purpose. I _really _didn't though."

"Not that I'm not thrilled to hear from you, but why did you call to tell me that?"

"I just need to know how long the side affects of this will last."

"How many did you take?"

"I lost track."

"Well, like ten?"

"Probably less than that."

"By tomorrow you'll probably be okay. But I'd recommend you stay home tomorrow anyway, just in case."

"Thanks," I say, and I think she can sense that I'm about to tell her goodbye.

"Katniss, maybe I should…"

I know what she's going to say. She's going to suggest that she come back here. But that wouldn't benefit either of us. I can barely tolerate Peeta and Haymitch, and they're not even living with me. I see them once a week at the most. I don't need my mother watching my every move, worrying constantly, and living in the same house. And it wouldn't be good for her either. She sounds well, there in 4. There's no deaths for her to reminisce on. Being back here would just remind her of my father, and Prim.

I have to get her off the phone before the tears start to form and my throat cracks from it. I don't need her to know I'm upset.

"No…No, I'm fine, I swear. I just need time."

"Okay..but if you change your mind, I can be there in no time. And don't forget to come and see me when your, I don't know what to call it, solitary confinement I guess is up."

I tell her goodbye and hang up before throwing my body onto the couch and putting my face in the pillow. And again I spend too long regretting every move I've ever made, considering one "what if?" after the next, thinking of alternative endings to my story. How could I have kept Prim alive? Is there anything I could have done to take her place that day? What if I never became the mocking jay? What if I insisted she stay in 13?

My mind plagues me with these scenarios over and over until finally I fall asleep.

I wake up crying and sweating, unaware of my surroundings at first. I must have had a horrible nightmare again. At least this time I don't remember it. I look around and out the window across from where I'm laying. It's dawn, almost. It's the pale gray blue color of the sky just before the sun rises.

I have to remember why I'm on the couch but then I remember the phone call with my mother. How the very thought of Prim sent me over the edge, crying until the early evening when my exhausted body finally put me to sleep. I force myself to stop thinking of Prim. I tell myself over and over again that she is in a better place. She's okay. It's me, Haymitch, and Peeta that aren't. Peeta…

Then, of course, I automatically start to blame myself for Peeta's flashbacks again. I even start to think Haymitch might drink less if I weren't around but then I realize I'm being ridiculous and force myself to sit up again. I wipe the tears off my face, sniff and catch my breath.

Then I hear a grunt behind me.

Haymitch stands in the doorway, holding a half-eaten sandwich.

He leans against the door frame and takes a bite.

"I didn't wanna interrupt," he says, with his mouth full.

I sigh. "How long have you been standing there watching me?"

"I dunno. Bout a minute or two. Wasn't sure if I should just poke ya on the shoulder or tell ya I was here or what."

I shake my head, annoyed at him being here, uninvited, no knock. Didn't I lock that door? Sae must have been here. I look down and see a blanket over me. Yeah, she has a key. She probably came in and put the blanket on me, put something to eat for me in the fridge for the morning. Probably left the door unlocked.

"Isn't it too early for you to be up?"

"Never went to sleep," he says, swallowing his last bite of his sandwich. "Kid told me to come n check on ya after he left. See if you been eating."

It takes me a minute to process this. "After he left?"

Haymitch's eyes grow wide. "Didn't he tell ya he was going back to the Capitol?"

"The _Capitol?" _I say, obviously upset because Haymitch backs up.

"How could you let him go back there? How could you not tell me? How could…" I kick the couch in anger as more blame placing questions fly out of my mouth.

Haymitch just waits patiently until I calm down enough to listen.

"You done sweetheart?" He says.

Having forced myself to relax, I sit on the couch with my arms folded, waiting.

"He just went for two days. He'll be back late tonight or early tomorrow morning. Just went to get some baking supplies."

"And no one thought they should clue me in?"

"Well, he came over here before he left yesterday morning to drop those off," He says, nodding his head towards the uneaten cheese buns, then says, "he was going to tell you then."

"I wasn't here."

"Tough luck. He's only gone for a day. Don't get crazier than you already are."

I resist the urge to kick him in the shin and punch him in the face because I still don't have all the information I need.

"Well, is it safe for him to be there? With his flashbacks and all? What did the doctor say?"

Haymitch puts both hands up like he's surrendering. "I dunno. Didn't tell me much. Don't care much."

Liar. If he didn't care he wouldn't come to check up on me as per Peeta's request.

Sae comes in the door next. "You drunk bastard! You're trackin mud all over the floor I just mopped yesterday!"

"Well," He says, raising his eyebrows, looking at me and then Sae and back. "I'm getting outta dodge before one of you turns into the wicked witch of the west or something."

Sae smiles but I don't get what he's referring to.

When he walks out, I follow him outside.

"I voluntarily leave, and then you come and chase me." He says, shaking his head and taking a swig of liquor from his flask.

"When Peeta comes back," I start to say.

"Yes?"

"Can you tell him to come see me? I don't care what time."

I don't like the way Haymitch looks at me.

"I just want to make sure everything's okay."


	12. Butterflies and Hurricanes

**A/N: Italics are Peeta's flashbacks. Song for this chapter is "Butterflies and Hurricanes" by Muse.**

I do everything I can to hold it back, or at least suppress part of it, but it's no use. In my attempt to find something to grasp, I get dizzy faster than I expected, I end up grabbing the pole of a lamp, but I fall over anyway, onto a plant in the corner of Aurelius' office. I cross my fingers and hope that my head hit's the plant and knocks me out, to avoid any flashback, but I'm not that lucky.

_I am in the arena for the first time, running from balls of fire falling from the sky. I dodge trees, brush, and sometimes animals trying to escape it. When I see the lake, I head there, knowing that if I can get there and get underwater I'll be fine. But then a tree falls and blocks my only path to the lake. Desperate, I look around me for any other options, any other way to survive. There is none. I look up, tears in my eyes and fear in my heart as I wait for my slow, scorching death. _

_When the flames reach me, the pain is unbearable. I feel my skin turn to charred remains, as I lose my strength and fall over. Soon my body is engulfed in flames. Isn't this the part where I'm supposed to be so close to death that I don't feel the pain any longer? Because I still feel it. The worst pain I've ever felt. And it keeps getting worse until I can't breathe and I know death is coming soon. But right before I close my eyes to accept it, I see her. Katniss, standing on a tree branch directly above the branch that fell and blocked me in, sealing my fate. She's holding an axe, looking at me with disgust._

_When I open my eyes again, I'm in the second arena, in the water, draining out the poison in my body that came from the fog. Katniss is doing the same, but she gets her strength back before me, because she comes over to me, offering to help. She tells me that I have to get the poison out of my skin on my face, and she ducks my head underwater._

_I'm pretty strong, but what with the poison and lack of oxygen because of her drowning me, I can't fight her off. I panic and gasp for air, but eventually I end up filling my lungs with water. It's not very painful. But what is painful, is that this is the girl I trust more than anything, and she uses it to kill me._

_Now, I'm in Snow's torture chamber. I'm in a seat with my arms and legs strapped down, and an additional strap across my neck. Mr. Yves injects me with green serum, and tells me everything will be okay if I just cooperate. Then I endure countless different torture tactics at the hands of them._

_Then I remember a very important detail. Dr. Aurelius and Mr. Yves are the same person._

When I come to, I'm lying in a bed on a train. Next to me on the nightstand is a pill bottle. I'm restrained, so I call out for help. "Hello? What's going on?" I shout.

Effie and Dr. Aurelius come in and sit on the edge of my bed once they deem that it's safe and I'm acting like myself again.

"You had a flashback," Aurelius says, "We're on our way back to District 12."

"But then why are you here?"

"You're going back because District 12 is still the safest place for you. We're coming with you because you're still unstable. I'd like to monitor you for a few days. And there is another patient that I'd like to see as well."

I want to ask why Effie is there, but I have a feeling I know the answer, so I decide to avoid it until she leaves.

I've got a headache and nausea, which is normal, but I'm having trouble breathing and my throat burns when I try to talk. That doesn't make much sense.

"What happened?" I ask, grasping my throat.

Dr. Aurelius looks at Effie and then speaks, "You tried to drown yourself."

"I what?"

"Yes, you had a pretty bad flashback. I couldn't restrain you by myself, especially in that state. You ran out of my office and into the town square where the fountain is and tried to drown yourself. I did my best to pull you out but you went unconscious before security came to help me pull you out. We were prepared to airlift you to the hospital but you starting coughing up the water once we gave you CPR. I called Effie and told her to get the next train tickets."

"I was so worried, that's why I'm going back with you. Won't that be fun?" She asks, clearly not joking.

"Can I have some time alone?"

Dr. Aurelius takes a minute to check my vitals before taking off my restraints, then tells me when I'm ready he needs to speak with me some more before leaving.

Then when he shuts the door I climb under my covers and let the tears fall, asking myself why? I tried to kill myself apparently, and I didn't even know it. I don't remember any of it. Did the flashback make my life so unbearable that I thought that was the only escape? I don't know, because I can't remember the flashback. I can't remember much of anything anymore.

I don't want Effie to come back with me. It'd be dangerous for her. It would be a nuisance to Haymitch and probably unbearable for Katniss. But…maybe it's a good thing? I'd much rather have Effie there in case I try something like that again. I don't even know myself anymore. This whole other side of me… he's like a totally different person. One that does his own thinking, his own reasoning. He has his own memories and his own life. And I feel like one body isn't enough to house two minds.

But what else is there to do? Will I ever really be just Peeta again? Or is this other guy going to always be with me? Whispering doubt into my ear, making me do hateful and self-destructive things, making me feel things I don't want to feel and do things I'd never do. Is there a way to suppress him?

The only peace I can relish in is that I really _was _doing so well in District 12. But whose to say it'll stay that way? The littlest things set me off. I've had some minor flashbacks because of them, but there's always a chance the wrong person will say the wrong word or something, and I'll become the monster I was during my time in the Capitol a few months ago, or the self-destructive suicidal mess that I was in the Capitol just a few hours ago.

There really is no escape.

I am thankful for the trust they have in me if only for the alone time I have. I really don't want to have to put on a happy face when I feel the opposite. I don't want to be an actor anymore. Haven't I done that enough already? I don't think Effie is the kind of person that can handle messes like Katniss, Haymitch, and myself. But I guess she could always go back.

As I look out the window and see that it's dusk now, I decide I want to go to bed. But shortly after lying my head down on a pillow, I realize that I haven't had a flashback since I woke up on this train. Is this a good sign or a sign of something terrible brewing?

I reach for the phone but as soon as I do the very person I want to talk to knocks on my door and asks to come in. So I give the okay.

He sits down at the edge of my bed.

"How come I haven't had any flashbacks?"

He shrugs. "Your mind is a mystery to even the most professional of people, Peeta, going through what you've been through. But my guess is that it's because you had that therapy session with me earlier today."

I remember it now. Saddened, I look down, "Saying her name set me off."

"I know," he says, pushing his fallen glasses further up the bridge of his nose. "I will try to avoid that."

But, I don't want him to. That name belongs to someone who means so much to me. More than anyone else. I love hearing her name, lame as that sounds.

"I don't want you to."

He avoids that. Instead, he tells me about the reason I was in the Capitol.

"Effie pulled some strings to get those papers needed to be signed by you. She told them you'd had an episode and couldn't be there. It took some doing but they agreed to let her take them and send them back signed by mail."

"But what about the equipment I needed?"

"Normally, I'd just tell her to leave it for another time when you're feeling better, but since I believe it's a crucial part of your healing."

"You didn't let Effie…"

"Don't worry, I insisted she get the models you specifically circled in the brochure. I arranged for them to send the bill to your house in District 12."

That's good. All the things I needed to be taken care of have been regardless of my incapacity to do them myself. "Thank you."

He nods before leaving.

Just one night and I'll be back in my district. Back to the place where I am most myself. A feeling I've been taking for granted.

Before going to sleep, I repeat everything I know to be true now that I'm not in a flashback.

1. My name is Peeta Mellark

2. I am eighteen years old.

3. I live in District 12 in the Victor's Village

4. Haymitch is a drunk, but an overall good guy that eats too many donuts

5. Katniss is doing better, but she still needs me.

6. I need her too.

I felt something pull at me when I said her name. Something dark. So I get the not-so-bright idea to say her name again. And this time the pull is stronger. I do it again, the pull is stronger still, just barely enough to keep me sane. Then I say it again.

I feel it coming. The flashback. And I need to ride it out, not fight it. This idea I have, it's crazy, but it's worth a shot. I'm desperate.

Repeating her name quietly, then louder, till I am shouting her name. And I don't stop there. I say every trigger word I know. I mention everyone that died, any memory that I know of that might possibly trigger a flashback. And I do this on purpose, until I descend into an oblivion that I haven't seen before.

_I am running through a barren wasteland. All there is around me is sand. The sun is hot, too hot, and the beads of sweat drop from my body like water in a shower. My throat is dry from the sandy air, I'm severely dehydrated, and hungry, to add. There are shooting pains through my entire body and I know that I need to stop. Only I can't. Because behind me, are several different monsters threatening to kill me._

_I look back once, and I see them. Three headed dragons the size of Capitol hovercrafts, spewing fire and ice, oddly. Demons, snakes, insects, thousands of them, all following me as well. They are joined by Snow, only, several hundred different President Snow's carrying syringes. And her. Katniss. Several hundred of her, holding several different weapons. Bricks, knives, axes, guns, ropes, all kinds. Only, no bow and arrow. _

_It's so surprising that I stumble, and then because of it, I lose enough ground to be stung to death by tracker jackers. The pain is so horrid that I'd much rather keep running, even though I know that there is no escape. I could run for years and never run out of desert. I might even be going in a big circle, or a maze. But there's no riddle to be solved. This is my own personal version of hell. _

_When death finally saves me, the pain stops for a single second as I see only pitch blackness. I feel numb. But then when that short second is over, I open my eyes and I am running again. _

_This process repeats. I feel the same things I did the first time. The dehydration and hunger, the pain, the air, the sweat, the sand in my face, the monsters behind me. Everything is the exact same. Tempted to look back again, I stumble, just like I did the first time. And this time, something else gets me. I don't get a chance to see what, all I know is I feel needles piercing my body in the most random places, all over. They cause me to stop breathing and shake, convulse. My mouth foams and my eyes bulge out of my head. Then I get that one second of piece in total darkness. That one second, and then I am running yet again._

_And I don't know how long I've been doing this, but it feels like years. Each time, I find myself running for just a second of peace. And it's a neverending cycle. _


	13. The Resolution

**A/N: Want to apologize for the updates taking longer than updates in the past. I have a lot of things going on this summer. Song for this chapter is "The Resolution" by Jack's Mannequin. **

I wake up with an entire side of my face bruised and swollen, not to mention pain all over my body. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but that's still not the case.

I'm not on the train anymore, so I must have been out at least a day or so. Where am I? I look around the room. It's a small room, with flourescent lights. But it doesn't have an eerie feel to it the way that it normally does when I wake up in a room similar to this. The paint on the wall is white but with a sea foam green trim. Sea foam. I'm in District 4.

I am restrained, but that's no shock to me. I try to remember what happened and why I am here. The last thing I remember is the constant running, dry mouth, overworked heart, and passing out. But before that? I know I was on the train. I was on the train and I was frustrated about something.

It takes me an hour to piece back together what happened to me. I know I caused it, by saying as many trigger words as I could at the worst possible time. I did it intentionally. And I remember why. Maybe if I could just push myself into the deepest hallucination I could, I'd build up my tolerance for the trigger words so I'd be better able to handle them next time, and perhaps get flashbacks that aren't nearly as bad.

Thinking about it now, I know it was probably one of the dumbest decisions I'd ever made. But in that frame of mind, when I'm on the brink of a flashback or hallucination but not quite there yet, my mind is not completely functional. Reality goes out the window and I don't make the smartest of decisions in that state.

Still, a part of me still holds on to the very desperate hope that somehow, the hell I just walked through-or, rather, ran through, helped me. Even if it was just in the slightest.

When I see the look on Dr. Aurelius' face as he enters the room, though, I know I'm about to get a lecture.

He sits down, face flushed, as he runs his fingers through his hair out of frustration. He pulls up a stool that I didn't realize was there before and plops down onto it.

"Peeta…"

I try to prepare myself for what's coming.

"Peeta, what happened?" Another voice says behind me. A voice that is familiar but not too familiar. I hear a door shut behind me where the voice came from, but I can't turn my head.

Dr. Everdeen approaches Dr. Aurelius and I, and sits down on the other side of me while she removes my restraints. Dr. Aurelius tells her he doesn't know if she should be doing that yet, but with a voice soft and calm she tells him, "He doesn't have many bad memories associated with me. And it's Peeta. He wouldn't ever hurt anyone."

It may have been naïve of her to say, or she may be overestimating my ability to control myself, but still, her words encourage me. She brushes the hair away from my eyes to observe my bruising and swelling, and I think that this must be what a mother's touch felt like. I wouldn't know.

Dr. Aurelius asks me to answer her questions, and excuses himself to go and get coffee.

"Peeta, how did this happen to you?"

And I told her everything, about the pull I felt when I said her daughter's name, about intentionally screaming every trigger word I could think of at the time, and about the neverending hell that was the barren desert where I died horribly, over and over.

When I'm done, I ask her, "I'm sorry, I appreciate your taking care of me and all, but you're not a head doctor. Why did they call you in?"

"I asked you what happened because you are important to what's left of my family. I'm here only to observe and treat your physical wounds."

"Where are we?" I ask her, just to be sure.

"Well, district 12 didn't have the materials necessary to treat you to the extent that you need. Only the Capitol, 1, 2, and 4 do. We sure weren't going to send you back to the Capitol."

"So I'm in 4?"

She nods.

She takes my vitals, all the while being careful not to mention anything that might send me over the edge. She asks me only routine questions. And she doesn't mention Katniss.

I imagine what that must be like. To need to know about your child who keeps you in the dark, and the one person you can ask…can't say anything without turning into a monster. But I'm thinking about her now and I feel fine. The least I can do is just tell her that she doesn't need to worry.

"She's doing better, you know."

Dr. Everdeen's eyes brighten up like I haven't seen them since the day Katniss and I came home from the first Hunger Games.

She smiles and I know she feels relieved, but she doesn't push me to divulge any more information. Still, I do it on my own.

"We've gotten her to eat slightly more, and she's hunting now, so that's good. She's still got a spark of anger in her, so you know she hasn't lost it."

"I know. We spoke the other day, still nice to hear from someone else though. I never know whether she's saying those things for my benefit or because they're true."

"She called you?" I ask, wondering why on Earth she would. I mean, it's a good thing, but I didn't think she'd call her mother unless something happened. I didn't think she was ready for that, but maybe she's healing faster than I thought.

Dr. Everdeen's smile fades, but before I can ask why, she finishes taking my blood pressure and tells me that she'll be back to check on me shortly.

I don't get any time to rest though, or reflect on anything, because Aurelius comes in as soon as she leaves.

"So, she tells me your bruises and swelling look self-inflicted. Probably the thrashing around you were doing while in your episode."

"So, what does that mean?"

"That none of your injuries are permanent. They'll heal in no time at all. But I don't fell comfortable with you going back to 12 yet. While you do much better there than in the Capitol, after your most recent episode I'd like to keep you here awhile, probably about a week."

Well, I can't say I'm looking forward to it, but what option do I have.

"I don't suppose I can say no?"

"You can, but it's in the best interest of yourself and everyone around you that you stay."

I nod my head. "What's first on the agenda?"

"I'd like you to write letters."

"To who, exactly?"

"Everyone alive that you still have contact with. They could be very long and detailed, or short and shallow. But I think it might help your head remember specific details about the person. Make them more real."

I nod and ask who I should start with and he tells me anyone. Well, that should be easy. Until I get to Gale and Katniss.

Over the next few days, I write letters to everyone. Johanna, Delly, Haymitch, even Effie. Dr. Aurelius does some tests to make sure my brain tissue still looks okay, but when the tests come back fine, he tells me I'll be okay to go home in a day or so. The only letters I've yet to send are the ones to Katniss and Gale:

_Gale, _

_My doctor recommended I write the people that I'm still in contact with. I don't know really what to say to you, other than I thank you for all the help during our time in the Capitol. I don't want that to go unsaid between us. I owe you._

_I don't expect a response from you, so I'll just tell you now that I know you're thinking of her. I know you worry about her everyday. And I know how much of a struggle it must be for you to not reach out to her, or be in contact with her. But I assure you, I give you my word that she's getting better. And she won't shut you out forever. You're still her friend. I don't know what the future holds, for any of us. But I know there will always be a small part of her that misses you, her best friend. _

_Peeta_

The day of my departure back to District 12 is here, and all letters have been sent out except the one to Katniss. I'm going back there anyway, so I'll decide then if I want to hand deliver the letter or not.

Luckily, Dr. Aurelius and Dr. Everdeen arranged for a hovercraft to take me back to my district, for obvious reasons.

On the way back, when I'm momentarily left alone, I open the envelope addressed to Katniss Everdeen. I read it and then reseal it.

I think about what a bad idea it would be to give her this particular letter at this fragile stage in our-whatever it is we have. There's no way to toss it out the window on the hovercraft, and I don't want to risk anyone else seeing it, so I hide it in the inside of my jacket until I arrive back at home, where I stash it underneath my mattress until I decide when and if I'll ever give it to her.

**A/N: I'm sorry if this chapter went a little bit too fast. I was kind of winging it and not sure where it would go. Next chapter will be better, there's going to be a, as Haymitch would put it, "lovers quarrel".**


	14. Spectrum

**A/N: Dear Hellboy, I appreciate all opinions, good or bad, but if you don't like the story there's no need to be rude about it. I don't write for you, sir. I write because I enjoy it, and no one forces you to read my stories. **

**To the rest of you, I apologize for the looooong time in between updates. I have a new work schedule, plus a whole lot going on this summer but I'll do my best to update more often. I LOVE YOU ALL. :D**

**Song for this chapter is "Spectrum" by Florence + the Machine**

I'd asked Haymitch to wake me when Peeta returned, but I wake up and look at the clock to see that it's already ten in the morning. Haymitch didn't wake me. First, I just assume that it's because he got too drunk and passed out, or just forgot, or just didn't care to wake me. Or maybe he didn't know, but when I go downstairs I realize I'm wrong.

Sae and Haymitch are both at the kitchen table, watching me come down the stairs, and already I know that something is wrong. Partly, because Haymitch is completely, 100% sober.

"Good morning, sweetheart." Sae tells me, but I don't like the sound of her voice right now. It's somber.

When Haymitch tells me to sit down, I feel as though I can't breathe, and I become lightheaded. My stomach drops, and I feel scared for the first time in I don't know how long.

"What's wrong?" I ask them, terrified of the answer, but more terrified of not knowing.

They look at each other.

"Tell me." I say, as more of a demand than a suggestion. I need to know what's going on, regardless of whether they think that I can handle it or not.

"Well, Peeta.." Haymitch starts to say.

Sae interrupts. She places one hand over mine but I quickly pull mine out from under. It's not necessary, but I don't want or need affection, I need Peeta. I mean, I need to know what's going on with him.

Sae takes her hand back and straightens her blouse. "He…had another episode on the train back."

"I figured as much," I say, calming down now. It's still bad, but he's had episodes before. Still, why isn't he here?

"Well, Katniss…this isn't like the last few." Haymitch says.

"What do you mean?"

"They don't know what caused it, but this one was bad…his worst one yet. He was out for quite awhile."

"Where is he now? Is he okay? When is he coming back? Does he remember me?" I stop myself from asking anymore questions, though I have plenty.

"District 4, he's okay, he's going to be there for awhile, and yes, he does. More than he should, really."

"Why is he there?"

"Doctors there are better than any, save for the Capitol. They didn't think it'd be a good idea to send him back over there," Sae tells me.

Yeah, probably not the best idea.

"So he's with my mother?"

"She's not his primary doctor but she'll probably see him at least once."

Haymitch and Sae rise up, "We'll leave you alone for now. If you need anything, I'll be next door." Haymitch tells me when they start to leave.

I just nod my head before heading back upstairs to get my hunting gear.

But I don't go hunting. I get fully dressed for it, and even sling my bow over my shoulder, but the glare coming from the sunlight reflecting off Peeta's bedroom window catches my attention. I sit on the edge of my bed and stare at his painting, the one of the dandelion that he hung on the wall opposite the window, not too long ago.

I find myself longing to see him there again, painting, sleeping, doing anything, and I don't even question why. Seeing him moving on with his life just gives me hope that somehow everyone affected by the Hunger Games and their families will be able to do the same. Maybe even myself.

By the time I finally get out the door, it's too late to hunt, but I take Buttercup with me into the woods anyway. I'll stay at my lakehouse tonight. Before I leave, I be sure to post a note on the door, telling anyone that sees it that I am fine and will return in the morning.

I can see the reflection of the fire I've just started in Buttercup's eyes as I draw a dandelion into the book that Peeta and I worked on. The one with the different herbs and plants and things and what they'd be used for. My drawing of the dandelion isn't nearly as good as Peeta's artwork, but it will have to do.

Dandelions are not very useful. They won't keep someone from starving, nor will they heal any kind of ailment someone might suffer, and they aren't even that pretty to look at. But, I feel that they should be in here, in this book. And instead of writing recipes on the page opposite this drawing, I write only one word: hope.

I lay down my head when I'm done, to sleep. Buttercup curls up next to me, in the curve created by me lying on my side. I enjoy the warm sensation of the fire's heat directly in front of me, and the smell on the quilt my mother made that reminds me of home.

I miss my mother.

I think I just miss family all together. Waking up in the mornings as a child to the sight and sound of three familiar faces that I loved with all my heart. My mother, father, and sister. Only one of them is still alive, and she's far, very far away from here.

I've gotten used to the kind of dysfunctional family that I have here, that consists of Peeta, Haymitch, and Sae. But Sae can't be here all the time, and as much as I hate to say it, it's not the same. Haymitch I can barely stand and that's only because I have to, and Peeta, I'm not sure about him. I care a lot about him, but do I love him?

Before this morning, before I knew he was in any kind of danger, my answer would have definitely been no. But now I'm not so sure. As much as I hate it, there's no other logical reason why I felt the way I did when I knew something wasn't right. I've never been so terrified of losing someone, not since Prim got called for the reaping.

The next morning, I wake up so comfortable and so happy, a way I haven't felt in awhile. Then I remember why, as the dream I had comes back to me:

I walk down the stairs with a child in my arms, a young girl. She looks like me, like she's from a picture of me when I was a child. She looks to be about four. She's singing to me as I carry her down the stairs, I set her down once I reach the bottom, and she struggles to gain her balance as she runs over to the cat to play with him. Then I walk into the kitchen, and I see Peeta, baking bread, with flour all over his apron and hands. A boy, very young, but older than the girl, runs up to me and hugs me tightly.

"Son, you've got flour on your nose," Peeta says to the boy. I squat down so that my eyes meet his, and wipe the flour off the boys nose with my thumb. This boy looks very much like Peeta except for one major detail- those deep, Seam grey eyes. I look at Peeta, then at the two children again, before I piece together that these children are mine.

When it dawns on me that this is my family, there's a warm feeling in my heart that I can't explain, and a overall feeling of hope that overwhelms me.

Then I opened my eyes.

Back in reality, I open the blinds that I just recently had Sae get me from the marketplace, let the sunlight in.

Buttercup stretches his two arms out while yawning, then arches his back before walking over to the front door and scratching at it.

I let him out and then make sure my fire is out and everything is put back in its place before I join him outside.

When I walk out, I see Buttercup lapping water out of the lake. I don't know exactly what time it is, but judging by the Sun, it's around noon. That's when I realize that I slept a long time. More than I have in awhile. I decide it must have been the dream. Peeta's presence in the dream granted me more sleep than I could have hoped for. Only his actual presence would be better, but I don't want to make that an option. Especially since I don't know when he'll be coming back.

I get back to my house in the district just when the phone rings. When I answer it, a familiar voice greets me.

"Hi baby."

"Mom?"

"Yes, I thought I'd call to let you know that Peeta woke up."

"He did?!" I say, a little more excited than I should be.

"…Yes…but I should probably tell you what happened to him…"

She sounds upset.

"Okay, go ahead."

"He did it on purpose."

"Sent himself into an episode?" I say, not knowing it to be possible.

"Kind of. He said he felt a 'pull' while thinking of you, so he said your name over and over again along with every trigger word he could think of."

"What the hell? Why?!"

"He said he thought maybe it would send him into an episode but he would be less sensitive to your name when it was over."

How could he do that? How stupid that was! Why would he intentionally harm himself that way when there are so many people that care a whole lot about him? It was unbelievably selfish, but I don't have time to dwell on it. "Katniss, you there?"

"Yeah," I say, sounding angry now.

"He said he couldn't bear never being able to say your name again."

And with that, I hung up the phone.


	15. I Feel So

**A/N: Song for this chapter is "I Feel So" by Box Car Racer**

I step off the hovercraft in District 12, finally. It feels good to be home, especially when Haymitch and Sae are there to greet me.

Of course, I'd prefer it if Effie and Dr. Aurelius weren't here, but I suppose I brought that upon myself by making the decision to go to the Capitol before I was ready.

"What in…" Haymitch begins to say when Effie steps off the train, holding a pink, shiny umbrella over her head, despite it being sunny.

"Well, it's nice to see you too, Haymitch," she says, putting her bags down in front of him. At first he starts to laugh but then Sae gives him a look and he reluctantly carries Effie's bags for her.

Dr. Aurelius speaks to me on our walk to the house about what he'll be doing here and for how long.

I'll be having a session with him once a week at my home, and once in the village, so that he can document any irrational reactions or behavior I may have.

He'd like to observe Katniss, too, but that's only if she's willing.

"So, does Katniss know about you and Effie coming here?"

"Does Katniss know?" Haymitch repeats. "Hell, I didn't even know."

Effie pipes in with, "Well, I'm sure she'll be happy to see us, she's in for a real treat!"

At this, everyone, including Sae laughs.

I hate myself for being so selfish, but I don't like that they are here simply for the fact that I haven't seen Katniss in so long and now it will be hard to talk to her alone. Not that talking to her was getting me anywhere before, I still don't have answers to the most pressing questions.

But if she's being distracted by Effie's constant chatter or Dr. Aurelius' treatment, we'll be just like strangers again.

I offer to let the two of them stay with me, since I know Haymitch and Katniss won't want the disturbance. They thank me for the offer but have booked a hotel room in the town square.

It went up where the mayor's house used to be, but I don't dare say it.

Dr. Aurelius tells me he'll be back tomorrow to check on me, once we get to the house, then he takes Effie's bags from Haymitch and the two of them leave.

Haymitch elbows me in the side and mimicks Effie's voice when he says, "They're in for a real treat."

"What?"

"Effie, so used to the Capitol's huge suites, won't she be surprised by District 12's small inn." He laughs.

Sae gives me a hug once we get inside. "It's good to see you again, you gave us quite a scare."

She gives me a warm smile when she lets go. "Don't do it again, ya hear?" I nod.

Everyone knows what's on my mind now. So Sae excuses herself, saying she'll let Katniss know that I'm here.

When she leaves, Haymitch tells me it might not be a good idea to go over there right away.

"I'm just saying, not sure you want to deal with all that your first day back."

I tell him that I plan to just take it easy for today, but of course I'm lying.

I watch him leave and I'm upset for having to lie to him, but that's the first thing on the agenda. Going to see her.

Little do I know that I won't even get the chance to get out the door, because not even five minutes after Haymitch leaves, she opens the door. No knock or anything.

She runs towards me, and I don't really know what to think, until she throws her arms around my waist and buries her head in my chest.

It takes me a second to realize what's going on is real and not a dream, but then of course, I return the embrace.

She pulls back, and if I'm not mistaken, I think her eyes are watery.

"What's wrong?" I ask in a most soothing tone, expecting her either to cry or to hug me again. But this is Katniss Everdeen. So this is what happens:

"What the HELL is the matter with you?!" She yells at me, backing away from me now. But she doesn't look afraid, just guarded.

"Katniss, I…"

"What were you thinking?"

"I didn't know it was going to be so hard to go back, I mean I've been fine so far and…"

"It's the Capitol, Peeta. The Capitol!"

"I know, but I'm here now, everything's fine."

She doesn't calm down. "You could have…you could have…"

"Died?" I say, chuckling. "I think if I were supposed to die it would have happened by now, what with the war and two Hunger Games, being captured by the Capitol, and having my brain tossed in a blender by Snow, figuratively speaking."

"But, on the train ride back? My mom told me you did it on purpose, how could you? I'm not the only one who needs you here, Peeta. Think of Haymitch and…"

But then she realizes what she just said.

"You need me here?"

"Wipe that smirk off your face, it's not in the way you think. I just can't bear to see anyone else die from this, don't you know I blame myself?"

"I'm perfectly capable of making my own decisions, thanks." I tell her, slightly angered now. She blames my decision on herself, of course.

"If that were true, you'd have died in that cave three years ago."

Now I'm angry. Now I have the urge to yell back at her, to call her out on her own flaws, to tell her that her decision making isn't always the best either, to tell her that I saved her life, too.

But along with those urges, lies something else. The urge to wrap my arms around her and pull her close to me, the urge to feel her rapid, beating pulse. The urge to tell her that I'm here and always will be, and that she doesn't need to fear losing me.

"And if I died in that cave three years ago, you wouldn't be standing here today either. I need you just as badly," I tell her. And I'm angry, but my voice sounds more pained. There's a certain sense of longing attached to it.

I stand firm and prepare for her comeback. But I am in no way prepared for what happens next.


	16. Too Close

**A/N: Song for this chapter is "Too Close" by Alex Clare.**

I don't know how I let myself lose control, nor do I know how it even happened, it's like a blur, even though it was only an hour ago.

I pull the hood of my jacket up over my head as someone walks down the aisle of the train I'm on. Though I did get permission to leave on this train, despite my being exiled to district 12, I don't need anyone knowing who is sitting here all alone.

The events of the last hour replay in my mind, as I watch the rain drops slide down the window outside to my right:

I'm screaming at Peeta for being so stupid. So careless, so selfish. And really, I shouldn't be. I should be calm, I should be thankful that he's back, I should be warm and welcoming. But emotions are racing inside of me. I can't contain the heat in my mind and body and I don't know what else to do with my heart beating so rapidly.

Because I'm wrapped up in the argument, I don't notice until it's too late that I admit to Peeta that I need him. See that, I didn't even know. It just came out, and it surprised me just as much as I'm sure it surprised him.

He smiles then, and I have to tell myself to focus on why I'm angry instead of getting distracted by the smile that brightens up a room. I get even more wrapped up then, and say things that I don't mean to say.

I end up telling him that if he were able to make his own decisions, he'd be dead in a cave. It was a horrible thing to say, but surprisingly, he isn't more angered. Instead, his breathing slows while mine speeds up, the redness in his face goes away while I'm sure I look like an overripe strawberry, and he smiles again, a comforting, warm, sweet smile, the kind that somehow affects me, even when I don't want it to.

And then Peeta admits that he needs me too.

It's something that I knew before he was changed in the Capitol. But I thought that being in the Capitol completely changed him, made him into someone I never knew before.

I thought that when we came back to District 12, it would be like we were strangers. Because of what both of us went through. How could I even begin to expect that these two different versions of us would somehow end up just like the last two? Needing each other, relying on each other for survival.

So when he said it, I saw the old Peeta. And something inside of me went off, probably, because I'm so thankful to have him back.

I should be thinking of the consequences of my actions, of the meaning behind them, but all I am thinking of is Peeta and I, here, in this moment.

And I feel the anger and the rage that was built up for so long turning into something more beautiful: passion.

He stands firm, prepared for my next argument. But I don't have one. I can express what I am feeling far more through my actions than through my words.

I step towards him swiftly. I wrap my arms around his neck and meet his eyes before locking his lips with mine.

Though he's not prepared for it, he catches on quickly, and runs his fingers through my hair, then traces his fingers from the back of my head down to my lower back and holds me there.

This kiss takes me back to the one on the beach almost two years ago, the only kiss I've ever had where the only thing I thought of was being there in the moment with Peeta.

And that's how I'm feeling now.

It's a sensory overload. My eyes are shut but his scent overwhelms me, along with the softness of his touch and the taste of his lips and sound of his breathing.

I don't regain complete consciousness until the phone rings.

It brings me out of this, whatever it is, the way a loud sound brings you out of a dream; so it takes me a second to realize where I am and what's going on before running over to the phone.

"Hello?" I struggle to say, nearly breathless.

"Uh… Just thought I'd give you a heads up that Effie and Dr. Aurelius are in town." Haymitch tells me on the other line.

"Oh, um, okay," I say, still dazed.

"Okay?! Alright sweetheart what's going on?" He asks.

I try to say "Nothing" But it comes out as more of a stutter, and then he asks again, insisting. "You're not soundin like yourself. I thought you'd lose your head if I told you bout Effie and the doctor. I'm comin over." He says.

"That's not neces…" I try to say, but he's already hung up the phone.

I can't let Haymitch see Peeta here, I don't know why. He knows we've kissed before, and he may even think we've done more than that, but something in my head tells me this is a really bad situation. Maybe because if he sees it, he and everyone else will expect Peeta and I to magically solve all of our problems and live happily ever after. Not only do happy endings like that not exist, but I am done being that person. The one that has to go along with what everyone else wants of her. How can I live my own life that way?

"Who was it?" Peeta asks.

I don't answer, I weigh the choices. Send him home? No, Haymitch will see him leaving. Leave? No, Haymitch knows I'm here.

"Peeta, go upstairs," I say,

"Why?"

"Please, just go" I say, slightly more urgently.

He shakes his head, clearly not understanding why, but he does as I ask just before Haymitch bursts in.

"Can I help you?" I ask.

He looks around, then looks around a few more times, since he's a little tipsy.

"Thought there might have been something…odd, going on here."

"I'm just in a rush," I tell him, not being able to come up with any other excuse for it.

"Where you off to?"

Damnit. Well, I can't say I'm going hunting. I don't have my gear. "Peeta told me earlier that Dr. Aurelius was in town, I was going to see him."

"Oh, that explains why you weren't upset when I told you. You already knew. Damn. I wanted the pleasure of pissing you off. Alright, missy, best be off then," he tells me, holding the door open. So obviously, I have no choice but to go through it. I grab a coat on the way out, not knowing if I'd be going into the woods after the market or not.

He watches me walk towards town, I keep trying to find someplace to turn around, but every time I find a place, I pass it. My feet keeping going, whether I want them to or not.

I get looks from the people in town, Curious looks. Not bad, but not any attention that I want.

I hate that I have time to think now, walking to his office. Because the only thing on my mind now is the very, very bad decision I made when I let myself kiss Peeta.

What if he expects more now? I told him I don't want to get married or have children…or anything else. I'd be willing to be friends, in fact I'd like that very much, but that's just about all I can handle. If anyone else finds out about this, they'll expect me to be more for Peeta than I'm capable of.

People will make assumptions, ask questions, want to know everything about us, and I can't handle that. I don't want that. I want what I have, to wake up, hunt, and sleep. That's all I know how to do right now. I don't want anyone taking that from me, I don't want to be put on a pedestal again. I'm done with that.

This feeling of dread that hangs over me now, reminds me of a time when I was really sick as a kid. I just felt like I took the feeling of normal for granted. And that if I could just get back to normal, I'd appreciate it so much more.

Ten minutes ago, I wanted to kiss Peeta more than anything in the world.

And now, more than anything in the world, I want to take it back. And I can't.

I come to the only hotel in the district, because I know that that's where Effie and Dr. Aurelius will be.

I ask the woman at the front desk for his room number. She looks me over. "You look better."

I don't know this lady, and it bothers me that she knows me. I mutter a "thanks" before going up.

I knock on his door and he tips his glasses down on the bridge of his nose. "Katniss? So good to see you," He says, shutting the door and gesturing for me to sit.

I came here originally because I told Haymitch a lie about where I was going.

I had the opportunity to turn around, and go back. Go back to either Peeta, or the lakehouse, or pretty much anything, but for some reason I came here. Why?

"What can I do for you?" He asks me.

"I want the hold taken off of me. I want to leave District 12." I say, not really knowing where it came from.

"To go where?"

Then one person's face is clear in my mind.

Gale's.


	17. White Rabbit

**A/N: Song for this chapter is "White Rabbit" by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals**

Dr. Aurelius granted me approval for just one round trip to District 4, but he didn't specify the number of the district on my pass to leave 12. So I wrote in 2, instead of 4.

I'm not going to see my mother, as I told him, I'm going to see Gale.

I have only five days, and three and a half of them will be spend on this train. A day and a half with Gale.

He doesn't know I'm coming, I decided that might be best. Especially since I don't even know I'm coming.

I came straight to the station, I didn't bring anything with me other than the coat I hurriedly threw on when I was leaving my house.

So now I sit here, on this train, my head resting against the cold glass as a storm brews outside and the first drops of rain race down the window.

I love the sound of the rain, but I can't enjoy it. Because the only sound in my head is Peeta saying over and over again "I need you just as badly."

I hate myself for leaving him there. What must he think?

What if he kissed me, then told me to go upstairs and then disappeared on me?

But I can't go back yet. And I don't fully understand why. I don't even know why I'm going to see Gale.

I don't understand why I do half the things I do.

A woman pushing a cart walks up and down the aisle of the lounge car that I'm sitting in, offering drinks. I'd normally decline, but the situation calls for it. So I tell her to just give me something hot, and she passes me a steamy mug, and tells me that it's hot tea and honey with whiskey in it.

The taste makes me want to vomit it right back up, but the warm, tingling sensation warms me up and makes me drowsy, and I fall asleep quickly.

I wake up to the sound of rain and the smell of pancakes coming from the dining car next door.

"Hi there," someone says behind me.

I recognize the voice, a female voice. And not one I particularly care for. As I spin my head around slowly to see who it is, I am secretly chanting "Please don't be Johanna."

But of course it is.

Once she sees that I remember her she nearly skips around to my front and sits on the couch adjacent to the recliner that I'm sitting in here in the lounge car.

She puts her feet up on the coffee table between us, and puts her hands behind her head when she leans back.

"Funny seeing you here." She says, smiling.

She could mean just what she said, that it's odd to see me here. Since I'm supposed to be stuck in District 12 for at least a few more months. But I don't take it that way. I take it as, "You'd better tell me what you're doing on a train to District 2, or I'll have to find out myself."

And either way, I'm going to look bad.

"I could say the same thing to you."

"Yes, I suppose you could. Since I don't really have much of a reason to be heading to 2, but _you _do," she says, with a sly smile.

No, she couldn't possibly know that's where Gale is.

"…And I think he goes by the name of…let's see, what was it?" She teases. "Oh yes, Gale."

Crap.

She doesn't give me a chance to explain before getting up and sitting so close to me it makes me uncomfortable, and whispers, "What does Peeta think?"

That set me off. I shoot straight up out of my seat.

"I'm not discussing this with you. Go back to wherever it is you came from."

"This is just an economy train, no rooms," she tells me, as if I didn't already know that.

She continues, "I can go anywhere in this train I please."

I hate her for doing this to me. But I know she won't leave me alone until I tell her why I'm going there. I just can't do it here. Too many ears.

"Fine! Follow me," I tell her, heading off.

We pass through the full dining car and slightly less full bar car, and down a few aisles until I find a half-empty storage closet, and the two of us go inside and I lock the door.

"Just what the hell is your problem?" I demand.

She laughs. "That I know you too well."

What? I'm more surprised than angered. How could she say that? Just about anybody I'm in contact with knows me better than this girl.

"Ha, what's your problem, really?"

She insists. "That I know you too well. Not you, personally. Your type."

I struggle to keep calm as I draw in a deep breathe. "My _type?_"

She nods. "You can't ever decide what you want. So you just weigh your options until someone else chooses for you."

"What are you talking about?"

"Peeta and Gale, Gale and Peeta. Hell, even Finnick maybe."

"There was never anything going on with Finnick." I snap.

"Whatever. You're on this train to go and see Gale because you and Peeta got too close and you got scared." She says matter-of-factly.

"That's not…entirely true…" Is it? Am I going to see Gale because I'm looking for an excuse for Peeta to hate me? Not that he ever could, but is it because I want a way out? A good excuse? It certainly would make sense, seeing as how the first person on my mind after kissing Gale was Peeta, and vice versa.

But I don't feel the same way about the two of them. And problem is, I don't know what the difference between love and in love is.

"I need to find out where I stand with Gale before moving forward with Peeta."

She nods her head, "Mhm, weighing your options, go on."

I resist the urge to punch her in the face.

"It's not like that. I feel betrayed by Gale still, but…" and I stop there. It's hard for me to do this. She should know that.

"But you don't want to feel like you are falling for Peeta _only _because you can't have Gale."

Exactly. I need a drink.

I open the door and leave without saying anything, but my silence is probably confirmation enough. I could use a drink but I just had one not even eight hours ago and I don't want to begin to rely on it when I'm stressed out. So I bypass the bar car and go back to the lounge car. There's a table on the left side of it, with two chairs, I sit in one and Johanna in the other.

We sit in silence while she messes with a chess piece she got from the chess board on the table in between us.

Once the last person leaves the lounge car and leaves only us, she finally speaks.

"You know I wasn't antagonizing you for fun."

I just glare at her. But, I can tell she's being honest.

"You have to talk to people sometimes, Katniss. Whether it be Dr. Aurelius or someone else, even me. Chances are, someone will be able to help you. How do you think I'm doing so well after being in the Capitol for those months while you were away in 13?"

She keeps going after I don't say or do anything.

"I know it's hard, I'm just as stubborn as you. But I know you want to heal. Everyone does. You will never be able to live your life the way you want until you take the first step to start working through everything that hinders you."

I should thank her for her incredibly precise insight. That's what a normal person would do. But I'm not because I hate that she is right. I hate that she can see what's really bothering me when I can't.

How is that even possible?

I look outside and realize it's dusk when I just woke up under an hour ago. That doesn't make sense either.

I remember that I still haven't asked her what she's doing on this train, so I ask her.

But she just smiles and fades away. I look outside the window again, and the light and color patterns are changing in curious ways, and it's after all this that I understand that I am still dreaming.

Then I wake up.


	18. Pain

**A/N: Song for this chapter is "Pain" by Jimmy Eat World. **

Well I definitely didn't see my day going this way. I go upstairs as she asked me to, unsure why, just knowing someone was on the phone.

Then I hear his voice. I try to listen but I can't make out any of the words. I just know that Haymitch is here.

I go into Katniss' bedroom, since I can't hear anything anyway. I can see across clearly into my bedroom window, the way I can see into hers from mine. The dandelion painting hangs in a place where it gets sunlight for most of the day, making the colors of the paint look somewhat incandescent.

Feeling a bit tired, I lie down on her bed, but I can't fall asleep because Haymitch and his bottle of liquor are tripping up the staircase.

I sit up as he comes waltzing in her bedroom. He puts his hand on the open door for balance but it ends up slamming into the wall as he stumbles inside. He laughs when he notices me.

"Hmph, thought you might be in here. That girl thinks I'm stupid."

"Uh, yeah, where'd she go? I heard the door shut."

"Dr. Aurelius. Or so she says. She may go into the woods", he says, looking at me curiously.

"What?"

"Ain't you gonna follow her?"

No. Though if he wasn't here, I probably would have.

Why would she tell me to go upstairs and then leave right after? I do have to go and see the doctor today, but I can't go right over there immediately, so I decide to head into town once Haymitch passes out on the floor.

It's been only a month or so since I've been here, but a lot of progress has been made in the city center. My bakery needs only about another week before I can begin moving things into it. That reminds me to go and see Effie.

I get there and she's more than happy to see me.

"Peeta! Come in!" She says excitedly, inviting me into her room in the small inn that was just built.

"It's not much, but it's charming…in a way….I guess."

I smirk.

"Dr. Aurelius said you made arrangements for my bakery's equipment to be sent here?"

"Oh yes! They should be arriving in a week or so. But, there's just one thing…"

I await her answer silently.

"I changed just a few of the orders, thought you would be better off with more…updated…equipment."

"How many is a few?"

"Well, all of them." She says looking away.

Yeah, I figured that would happen. It's not like I can't afford the newer equipment. I just didn't really need it.

"How are things going with Katniss?" She asks, a little too eager.

"Actually, that's why I'm in town, to talk to Doctor Aurelius."

Effie can't connect the dots, which is probably a good thing because I'd end up telling her more than I should. So I change the subject. Good thing she gets distracted so easily.

"So how long you in town for?" I say, fidgeting, hoping she doesn't notice.

"Another few days." She checks her watch. "I'm supposed to go to lunch with the doctor in a few minutes. Won't you join us? Please?"

It wouldn't be my favorite thing to do, but I haven't got anything else to do, and I need to speak with the doctor anyway. And Katniss will be there I'm sure, she left not too long ago to talk to the doctor. Then I ask what the hell just happened. I smile to myself while we leave.

Katniss wasn't in the doctor's hotel room- which is where he's holding his visits with us while he's in the district- but I don't want to ask in front of Effie because I know Effie will ask me the same question she did earlier, and I'm still not quite sure how to answer. So I keep quiet for now.

They decide to go to the Hob to eat, as per my recommendation. There really isn't anywhere else. There's no cute, elegant café's here, the way there are in the Capitol and some of the wealthier districts.

On the way over to the Hob, I was only half-paying attention to the conversation between Effie and the doctor. My mind was focused on what happened earlier and what it means.

That's until the thunder cracks and lightning fills the sky. I look up and notice that while I was preoccupied, clouds covered the sunlight and a storm began to brew. It begins to pour down rain and Effie shrieks until Dr. Aurelius hands her an umbrella. The two of them hurry the rest of the way sharing the umbrella. They offer me to stand under it too, but I politely decline. I actually enjoy being in the rain.

On the outside of the Hob, the thunder cracks again and Dr. Aurelius comes to a fast stop. "What's wrong doctor? It's just a little thunder." Effie tells him.

But that's not what he's focused on. I hear it now too. Another sound, very faint, but very easy to figure out. A horn. Not a car horn, one belonging to a train.

Dr. Aurelius squints his eyes and I do as well. Through the fog and the rain, I can see it…A train, on it's way to the west.

But why is he so focused on it?

"You guys go inside, I've got to make a call," he tells us, so we do as he asks.

But my curiosity gets the best of me, so while Effie starts looking at some trinkets being sold inside the Hob, I sneak off to listen.

I hide up against an abandoned cart, he's not too far away from me. Within earshot.

I close my eyes in order to gain better focus:

"Yes, sir, how many trains are leaving District 12 today?"

"I see. And the one that was scheduled to leave about ten minutes ago?"

"Yes, I was afraid of that."

"No, that's all I needed help with. Thank you."

He hangs up the phone and dials another number.

"Yes, hi, change of plans."

"No, she's on her way to District 2."

Then Effie grabs me by the arm.

She begins to lecture me on how it's not only rude to eavesdrop on a conversation, but to leave someone by themselves in a strange place without letting them know where I'm going. But I'm not listening.

I keep telling myself not to jump to conclusions. But the "she" that the doctor was referring to, is going to district 2. Where Gale is. Katniss is on her way to see Gale.

The three of us get a bowl of stew from Sae, and it smells delicious, but I can't eat. Effie and the doctor both ask me what's wrong, but I dismiss myself early. I tell them that I'm not feeling well, and that I need to go home.

Effie decides to stay in the Hob to speak to Sae about the recipe, while the doctor promises her that he'll be right back, after walking me home.

"Peeta, what's really going on?"

"I just…I don't understand what's going on."

"What do you mean? Are you having distorted visions of reality?"

"No…" I start to say, unless, was that kiss all in my head? There was no way it was…It had to be real. But I guess it doesn't make much sense, for her to do that and then run off to see Gale.

"You don't sound so sure."

"The only person capable of answering any of my questions is on her way to see Gale." I didn't mean to say it, to willingly admit I was listening, but the gnawing pain inside of me demands answers.

"You heard that, huh?"

"You're not going to call the authorities on her?" I ask, hoping that he won't. As upset as I am for her going, it's not my decision to make. And her going there is far better than her going to jail for violating the terms of her release.

"No," he says, putting his hands in his jacket pocket. "I figure she needs to go. Must be something she has to clear up, something she has to say or do. You know, closure. Might help with her treatment."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, she may be harboring resentment for him, for what she thinks he may have been responsible for. Maybe she feels like she left him without saying goodbye. Maybe she just wants to tell him that she hopes he's happy. There's no telling. But I feel that she'll come back better off for it."

"I hope so. I really need to get answers to these questions."

"She still won't open up about any of it, will she?"

"I haven't asked. I never thought it was a good time."

"You're a good kid, and an even better friend for not pushing her to talk before she's ready, to open up too soon. But, you've got to think of yourself too, you know."

"I know. But I don't even know how to go about asking."

Dr. Aurelius is quiet for a moment, but then he snaps his fingers. "Remember that game you both played during the first games? The one in the cave?"

After as messed up as my mind was, hardly.

"I remember what I saw on tape. Other things come back to me only when something triggers the memory."

"The game you played. She kissed you in exchange for you to eat the broth that Haymitch sent you."

"Oh, yeah, I remember seeing that on film."

We reach the door to my house and go inside. He leaves the door open to try and shake some of the rain off his leather coat. He shuts the door but stands by it.

"I've got to get back to Effie. But bargain with her."

"Bargain with Katniss?"

"Yes, she's had to bargain for things all her life. It's something she understands. She'll probably react better to it, as a game, or a bargain, that she will to just pouring out her emotions and memories to you voluntarily."

"Thank you," I tell him. And I really mean it. I need this. I need to know what happened to me, and to her, and to us.

"Will you be okay?"

"Yes, eventually."

"Good. Stop by the hotel tomorrow, will you?"

I nod and he shuts the door.

I spend all day resisting the urge to call her, not that I'd reach her anyway. She's still on the train.

I go up to my room later on that night, and I'm slightly afraid. I'm in a big house in the middle of a thunderstorm alone. But what's scaring me is the noise coming from downstairs. A very slight, scratching noise.

After a few minutes I have to know what it is, so I go downstairs and peek out the window.

On my doorstep, is a soaking wet cat, who notices that I'm staring and meets my stare with a pissed off look of his own.

I laugh, then open the door to let Buttercup in, and then I go get a towel to help dry him off.

I dry him off the best I could, and he seems to enjoy it, but then once I put him down he arches his back and hisses at me.

"Hm, no wonder you're so hard to put up with."

I follow the cat upstairs, but he runs under the bed when the thunder cracks again.

I get down and look under there, after grabbing a flashlight.

"Come on, Buttercup" I say softly, trying to coax him out from under the bed.

"Come on, it's okay. Just a little thunder."

He doesn't come out so I go down to the kitchen to get food for him.

Opening my cabinets, I find a small can of tuna, which is perfect. I empty it into a bowl and take it upstairs with me, sitting it out in the middle of the floor, and wait.

When he finally moves at the smell of the tuna, I see what it is that he was sitting on under the bed.

The letter.

Now is a good a time as any.


	19. Surrender

**A/N: Song for this chapter is "Surrender" by Angels and Airwaves. Particularly, for the part where Peeta rereads his letter to Katniss.**

Whatever she decides to do, I'll find a way to accept it. So long as she knows exactly where I stand. Which is why I've decided to leave the letter for her whenever she decides to come back.

I open the envelope, and tuck the letter inside my jacket pocket on my way out the door.

"Haymitch, open up," I say, knocking on his door.

He opens it, and he's drunk, though this time there's no bottle in his hand.

"Well, what the hell are you waiting for? It's pouring outside," he tells me, leaving the door open.

I come in and shut the door. "Do you have a key to Katniss' house?"

He gives me a look.

"Do you think she'd give me a key? I'd raid her stash."

"Her stash of what?"

"She's got liquor too, even if she doesn't drink it."

"Oh, so you don't know how to get in? It's kind of important."

He raises an eyebrow.

"Uh, boy, you know she's not there, right?"

I sigh. "Yes, Haymitch. I know she's not there. I just need to get in, to uh, feed Buttercup."

"You mean that thing, right over there?" He says, pointing to Buttercup, who is cleaning his face and smells like tuna fish.

"Look, do you know a way in or not?" I say more sternly. I don't have time for games.

"No, Peeta. But I recommend that whatever it is, you just leave it until tomorrow."

"She won't be here tomorrow."

Now he looks interested. "What do you mean?"

"She's on her way to district 2."

He looks slightly angered. He takes a deep breathe. "Why?" He insists.

I shrug my shoulders. "Doctor Aurelius thinks she needs closure of some sort."

He shakes his head. "What she needs is a bop on the head, so she'll realize what she's got."

I'm not sure I know what he's talking about, so I just shrug again. "Well, when is she coming back?"

"No idea."

"And you're not at all bothered by this?"

"Of course I am. But what can I do?"

He nods his head.

"Well, I don't know a way in, but I bet he does." Haymitch says, moving his eyes in the direction of the cat.

"Probably does. I'll see you tomorrow. Try not to pass out in your own vomit." I say as I leave.

Before the door shuts, I hear him say "Try not to let the door hit you in the ass on your way out."

Buttercup knows he's going home, so he walks ahead of me, but looks back every few seconds to be sure I'm still following him. He goes around to the back yard, and hops up on a storage bin, then onto the second floor balcony and I follow him.

Once on the second floor balcony, he moves towards the bathroom window and sits on the ledge, then uses his paw to open it.

"Clever cat." I say, doing my best to maneuver myself into the window.

I can't help but feel like I broke in. But I'm not here to take anything, only to leave something.

I shut the window and then turn on the light by her bed. I take off my jacket and shoes and lie down on the bed on my back, unfolding the letter.

Buttercup curls up into a ball and falls asleep at my feet.

I decide to reread the letter once more before leaving it for her:

Katniss,

I'm writing you from District 4, recovering from the

Most painful, most frightening flashback I've ever had to endure.

And you may or may not know this already by the time you receive this letter,

But I did it to myself.

I felt a familiar pull every time I said your name, so I said it

Over and over again, along with every trigger word I know.

It was stupid, but it was my most desperate attempt to rid myself

Of the mental obstacles I have to jump through in order

To keep loving you.

And even if you will never reciprocate the feelings I have for you,

the thought of never being able to see you again

without fighting this demon inside me makes me

Miserable. The thought of never being able to hear your voice

Or say your name or see your smile that I have to

Already work so hard to see, it makes me

Not see the point of it all.

Of the Hunger Games, both of them,

Of the war, of all the loss and the pain and the suffering,

The constant thought that we might not live to see tomorrow.

I got through all of that knowing that you were by my side.

In the cave when you saved my life, on the victory tour, and in the second arena.

And I'm writing you this now to tell you that I won't ever leave you.

It will never matter to me how damaged your soul is from all you've been through,

I'll spend my whole life trying to heal you.

Of all the things I thought I knew,

Of all the lies I was forced to believe, the only thing

I always knew for certain, was that once, I loved you.

And I still do, and I'll spend forever trying to make you believe it,

Because I know after all you've been through, it's hard

To believe that such a thing exists.

That among pain, hurt, loss, abandonment, murder, hate, and all these things

Weve learned from such a young age, lies love, and hope, and friendship, purity,

And companionship.

I live every day, hating the situations that we've both been put through

So young, causing us to become an empty shell, a half of a person.

But I live every day also knowing that two halves make a whole.

I can see a happy future for all the citizens of the country, of all the survivors.

I can finally see hope again.

And I'll spend the rest of my life helping you see it too.

The pitter patter of the raindrops, and the warmth of Buttercup sleeping at my feet, helps me sleep tonight.

I open my eyes the next morning, expecting a beam of sunlight radiating through the window, but it's still raining outside.

I sit up and stretch, very tired, I didn't sleep very well. But I shouldn't expect to. I never sleep very well.

Buttercup is already sitting on the foot of the bed waiting for me to get up.

I set the letter on her pillow and go downstairs, Buttercup following me.

I lock the door behind me when I leave, on my way to town, but I run into Haymitch coming out of his house.

"So now that I'm sober," he says walking up to me, "What in the hell did you have to leave at her house that very moment in the middle of a rainstorm?"

"Nothing."

"It wasn't nothing last night."

"Stop pestering me and go coddle your liquor bottle."

He snickers. "I would, 'cept I'm out. That's why I'm going into town. Why are you so happy this morning?" He says, sarcastically.

"Sorry, didn't sleep well." I say, noticing that I'm being short for no reason.

"You never do, none of us do."

That's true. But I don't feel like pouring my heart out to Haymitch, who would probably laugh at me or punch me in the shoulder and tell me to stop being a sissy.

We walk towards town together until the fork in the road comes up that separates the town square from the hob.

"Let's watch some tv tonight, kid, what do you say?"

Honestly, I'm a little surprised.

"You never watch tv anymore."

"Well, let's do something else then."

"Since when do you want to do anything except drink?" I sneer.

"Hey," he says, holding up both hands. "Look, if you want me to be completely honest, I'm just trying to keep your mind off of things. You don't want to, whatever. It's your problem anyway. But I'll be home if you change your mind," he tells me, and mutters something under his breath as he begins walking towards the Hob.

It stopped raining, but the road is still pretty wet. I stuff my hands in my pocket and watch myself kick stones into water puddles on my way to town.

I guess it wouldn't hurt to go to Haymitch's house tonight. Only, I've got a better idea. One that will probably give me some form of entertainment. Inviting Effie, Sae, and Dr. Aurelius.

I smile at the thought.

Once at the door to Dr.A's hotel room, I knock, and Effie comes walking down the hall, holding one of her many purses.

"Hey," I tell her, "I'm glad I ran into you, I wanted to invite you to dinner at Haymitch's house tonight."

"Won't that be fun?" She says clapping her hands. Then she leans down and whispers to me, "I'm heading down to the Hob to shop, I'll pick something up for the smell." She says, surely referring to the smell of Haymitch's house, since he never cleans it.

I laugh. "Would you mind inviting Sae while you're there? Let's say eight o' clock?"

"Sure, will do." She says prancing off towards the staircase.

Dr. Aurelius instructs me to sit down.

"We're going to try something new today."

"What's that?"

"A couple of tests, instead of just the regular conversation and feedback. For the first one, I'm going to ask you to close your eyes."

I do as he says.

"I'm going to read you two options. You tell me which one is the most likely to be real and which is most likely not. They're all easy, the hope is that when you answer with confidence, your brain will be more likely to show you only true images, after recognizing your thought patterns when you know for sure when something is true or not."

"Sounds simple enough."

"A blue sky, a red log."

"The blue sky is real."

"A fast turtle, a fast cheetah."

"The fast cheetah is real."

We did these tests for about fifteen minutes, when he took the blindfold off.

"Now I'm going to do some sensory leading. I'll hint at something in a picture, and you fill in the details."

"Okay."

"I see, something prickly."

"A cactus."

"Where is the cactus most likely to be located?"

"Uhm, in a desert."

"What else would you find in a desert?"

"A rock, sand, heat, and maybe an oasis."

"An oasis? Or a mirage of an oasis?"

"Either one, I guess."

"Which is there more likely to be?"

"Probably a mirage of an oasis."

"What's in the mirage oasis?"

"Water, grass, trees, fruit."

This game went on and on and though I didn't really understand the point of it, I wasn't the doctor.

When the session was over, I asked him to meet us for dinner and he said he'd be there, on the way out, I asked about Katniss, but he said he hadn't heard from her.


	20. I Caught Myself

**A/N: Want to take a moment to sincerely thank all of you who review. I've been getting a lot of writer's block and doubting my writing lately, but all the positive reviews have given me the motivation to keep writing. I hope you all like this chapter. Song for this chapter is "I Caught Myself" by Paramore.**

The train station in District 2 is the exact same as it was the last couple times I was here. But I must not have been paying very close attention before. The station is made of yellow bricks to resemble gold, and palm trees line both sides of the station. No doubt, planted there. Palm trees are not native to this district.

It really is a beautiful train station. I get off the train and walk into the lobby. Yes, District 2's train station has a lobby. Most do, or at least some kind of waiting area. District 12 doesn't, but the population is so small there that there really isn't a use for one. It'd be a waste of money for some showy waiting area or lobby.

But the lobby in District Two has fountains with statues of ancient Greek gods, and beautifully painted murals on the walls, of gardens and skies and pools, all designed with the most delicate precision. There are café's here, gift shops, beauty shops, and coffee shops. But I didn't get a good glimpse last time, with all of the things going on.

It occurs to me that I still have no idea what I'm doing here. I don't know where Gale works or what time he is off, and no idea where he lives. District 2 is huge.

After wasting time browsing the shops inside the lobby while being careful not to drop my coat and reveal my identity, I realize that my only option is to call my mother.

"Katniss? What happened?" She asks me, worriedly on the phone.

"Do you know where Gale lives, or where he works?"

There's a long silence on the other end of the phone.

"What about Peeta?"

It angers me a bit that I'm supposed to be exiled to district 12, half-crazy, and I lied and might be sent to jail for it, yet, _that's _her first question.

"He's fine," it's all I can say for sure at this point.

She doesn't answer. "I'm not staying mom, don't worry. But I need to know where Gale is."

If she asks me why, I'll lose it. I don't even know why.

I end up finding out that he lives in some newer apartments built just a short distance away from where the Nut used to be.

It's not raining here, but the wind is so bad that I have to hold my jacket constantly to keep it from blowing away and revealing who I am. Good thing everyone else is just as affected by this wind chill, I don't stand out and no one pays much attention to me as I walk carefully towards Gale's apartments.

When I get there, at first I'm worried that I won't know which apartment to check without having to ask. I may be able to hide my face, but my voice has been broadcasted throughout the country, and there's no disguising that. But when I get there, I notice that the apartments are more like houses, one level, all chained together down two sides of one street, with names printed on all of the mailboxes. It doesn't take me long to find Gale's, and when I do, I knock on the door.

Despite it being a workday, he answers.

He stands there in the doorway, not immediately recognizing who is standing on his door step. Slowly, I remove my hood.

His eyes widen and he pulls me inside quickly and slams the door.

"What's wrong with you Catnip? If someone sees you…"

"It's fine," I say, interrupting him, "No one has."

It takes him a minute to register what's going on.

"Uhm, can I get you some water?" He asks.

"No, I'm okay."

"Do you want to sit down?"

"Sure," I say, and he walks over towards the couch. We sit on opposite ends facing each other, when finally he asks the question that I know has been on his mind since I removed the hood of my jacket.

"What are you doing here Katniss?"

"I…don't know."

"Don't you…hate me?"

The question alone bothers me. Of course not.

"How could I hate you?"

"Because of the bombs, and Prim."

I wince at the sound of my sister's name. It's still painful to me, so it takes me a few seconds to get myself together.

"Sorry," he says. Though I'm not sure if it's because he mentioned her name or because of the situation in general, but I respond to the latter thought.

"I know you are. So am I. But I don't hate you, Gale, we've been through too much and been friends too long."

"…But you don't trust me?" He pries.

"Don't you work today?" I ask him, unable to respond to what he asked.

There's a familiar pain in his eyes that I've seen only once before, after he was beat in the town square two years ago, when I felt the urge to kiss him.

But this time, I just grab his hand. The urge to kiss him doesn't come to me. Then I find myself questioning why. A part of me, I think, might even wish for it to come, because I know it would help take his pain away, but still, it doesn't.

Gale holds my hand gently but nervously, and his skin is cold and clammy. I look down at our hands, and when I look up and meet his gaze, he leans towards me and I know what's coming.

So I move back, out of reach.

"What's wrong?" He asks me, eyes as gentle looking as can be. I look for something in his eyes, something that would tell me what exactly it is that made me come here, but I find nothing.

"I'm sorry, I just don't think it's a good idea. I'm still not even me," I tell him, though it's more of a way to let him down easy than it is the truth. I had no problem kissing Peeta, though I still have no idea where in the hell that came from either. It was certainly the very last thing on my mind at the time.

So instead, he hugs me. It makes me feel warm, safe, protected, and I can't help but embrace the feeling, wishing he were back in district 12 with us. That's where he belongs, isn't it?

I pull back from his arms. "Gale, when are you coming back?"

"I'm not."

"Why?" I ask, motioning around me. "This place isn't where you belong. This isn't you."

"But it could be. I like my life here, Katniss. I like my job, I like my apartment, and the people here actually aren't all that bad. The only thing missing, is you."

"I can't stay."

"I wasn't asking you to. I know that you can't, speaking of which, how did you get permission to come here?"

"I didn't exactly. I told Dr. Aurelius I wanted a pass to go see my mother."

Gale hesitates before asking his next question. "So, what made you come to see me instead, then?"

Because I miss him. I miss his laughter and his teasing, his jokes, his hugs, and his scent. But not in the same way I miss Peeta. And I can't tell him that, because it'd hurt him.

"I miss you."

"I miss you too, Katniss, but that's not enough. You know that."

I know what he's asking to hear. Three words. Three words he's been longing to hear from me for almost five years. Words that I haven't been able to say since my father died. Words that I can't say to anyone else, Peeta, Sae, even my own mother.

What do I do?

Just tell him the truth.

"It's all I can offer, I'm sorry."

He sighs, in such a way that it is clear to me that he knew what I'd say.

After a painful, long and awkward silence, I do whatever I can to break the tension…

"Aren't you going to show me around town?"

"How?" He asks. "If you get caught…"

"We'll just have to make sure I don't then," I smile and he smiles back, before taking my hand and leading me out the door as I once again pull my hood up over my head.


	21. This is Letting Go

**A/n: I do like Gale, so I hope I wasn't too mean to him in this chapter. :/ I tried not to be, but Katniss has to realize certain things in this chapter to get closure, so I can move on with the story. Song for this chapter is "This is Letting Go" by Rise Against.**

Gale takes me to their version of the Hob, but it's much bigger here. It's indoors with air conditioning in the summer and heat in the winter. They call it a shopping mall. He takes me on a tour of their Academy, the place where in the past, teenagers trained for the Hunger Games. Now, there's a memorial there, with all the names of the deaths from District 2. I look away after noticing the last three names on the list, the ones I recognize. Brutus, Cato, and Clove.

"It's a college now," Gale tells me.

A college. A word familiar to me, but barely. I remember reading about them in history books.

"Yeah, higher education, for people that aren't satisfied working in the district's trade, I guess."

"Is this the only one?"

"No, there's one in District 1 and District 4. They're building one in 13."

Eventually, we get to the Nut.

"Do you want to see my work?" He asks me, and of course I tell him that I would.

They've rebuilt the train tracks leading into the Nut, and when I get inside, it looks completely redone. There are several levels of it, with an elevator directly in the middle.

Gale says hello to a few people he runs into, and I stay behind a bit, pretending to look at the machinery so that I don't get any questions from them.

I follow him to the elevator, and he takes us up to the third floor, when the door opens, my heart sinks.

All around us, are military weapons, but not just machine guns and rifles, _missiles. _Racks upon Racks of different guns, A few of the men are working on the missile in the middle. It's being constructed. On it, these words are being painted by one of the worksman: "PROPERTY OF THE GOVERNMENT OF PANEM".

"You…you build…_weapons?"_

He must see the look of disappointment on my face, or at least hear it in my voice, because he turns towards me and says, "Hey, come on, don't make it sound like that."

"How else should I say it? You still do this? How can you?"

"Katniss, we can't be a nation unprotected."

"I understand that, but _you?"_

"What about me?"

I can't believe he asked me this. Yes, a country needs weapons in case of an attack from a foreign country. I'm not crazy. I just don't see how Gale in particular can continue to make weapons after what happened in the Capitol that day. All those innocent kids…and my sister….

I try to hold back my anger, but I've never been so good at that. Becoming more angry, I tell him, "You don't feel the least bit guilty about it?"

When the workers all turn towards me in unison, I realize that I've said it too loudly.

"Hey Gale who is this lady you brought in here?" A rather pudgy one of them says.

"She's just…a cousin. I'll get her outta here."

"I think that'd be a good idea."

He walks briskly ahead of me back to his apartment, and as hard as I try to keep up, I can't. I can tell he's angry at me. I'm not used to having to defend myself, Peeta never acts this way with me.

When we reach his house we both step inside and Gale slams the front door before saying, "What gives you the right to judge me, Katniss?"

"Because if it had been me that might have been responsible for building the bombs that killed all those kids I wouldn't get within fifty feet of a weapon!"

"Might have!" He yells, "Might have been responsible. And even if I were, I'm sure as hell _not _responsible for killing those kids. I wasn't the one who called the order!"

More angry now, I get closer to his face, before shouting, "Doesn't matter Gale! It doesn't matter! Because in the end, my sister is dead, and those bombs killed her!"

Gale begins to yell back but forces himself to calm down once he sees the tears flooding my eyes now. I cover my face and walk out of the kitchen into the living room. Gale follows me.

I sit down, drying my eyes, but it's no use, the tears keep coming. So I cover my face with my shirt and let them come. Gale sits down by me and wraps one arm around me.

"I'm sorry, Katniss. I am. But not for what I do. I'm sorry for what happened to her."

I nod my head.

"If there was something I could do to bring her back, I would. You don't know how much I wish I could go back in time to that day and fix it somehow…but I can't do that."

I pull my head up out of my shirt and wipe the last remaining tears from my eyes.

"I know."

We sit in silence for a few minutes.

"I still don't hate you, Gale." I say to him, after awhile.

"I know you don't."

"Just because I don't like what you do doesn't mean I have the right to be upset with you for it. It's your life..and I am happy that your job is enjoyable for you, even if I don't understand why."

"Thanks. That means a lot. That you haven't given up on me."

"I never could. But I have to let you go. I know now why I came here."

"Why is that?"

"To tell you that I love you."

His eyes brighten up. I kick myself for being misleading.

"Not in the same way," I continue, "But I do. But I can't move on with my life when I feel like there was something left unsaid between us. So I came to say it. I don't hate you, and I'll miss you, but I'm happy for you."

Gale takes a moment to collect his thoughts, then he pulls me into a tight embrace. "Thanks for telling me that."

I see a smile on his face before his normal, hardened look returns. "Are you hungry?"

I nod my head, then follow him into the kitchen.

He opens up his pantry and asks if I would like chicken soup or lamb stew. I smile, remembering that even when Peeta was hijacked by the Capitol, he still remembered that I loved lamb stew. Couldn't remember anything about his past, but he remembered a tiny detail about me. Thinking of him warms my heart in a way I don't think I've ever felt, and though it terrifies me, there's a small glimpse of excitement there too.

"Lamb stew sounds good," I tell him.

We catch up on what we've both been doing since we last saw each other.

"You been hunting at all?" I ask him.

"A bit. There's not many places to do it here, but I'll probably always enjoy it."

"I always knew you'd never be able to give it up, even if it were no longer necessary."

"Same with you."

"Yeah, I go all the time. I can think out there, it's like my sanctuary. A place that remains untouched by everything that's happened in the past three years."

"I zone out like that when I'm working and hunting."

I don't respond because I'm not always sure what will come out of my mouth until after the fact and I don't want to piss him off again, not when we're getting along so well now.

I find my thoughts drifting to Peeta. I see him standing in his new bakery, frosting cakes with a concentrated look on his face. His joy when he sees his finished cake, his precision with all the little details on it…

"Katniss?"

I shake my head and realize Gale is staring at me.

"Huh?"

"You okay? I've never seen you smile for so long…"

"Oh, was I smiling?"

"Uh, yeah. So…how's everyone back home?"

I can tell by the way he looks at me that he knows that question was more about Peeta than everyone else. But I play dumb.

"They're all doing okay. Sae still works in the Hob, Haymitch is still a drunk."

"And Peeta?""He's fine."

Again I'm stuck with an awkward silence.

"Has he tried hurting you again?" Gale asks me. He looks genuinely concerned about me, not like he's trying to belittle Peeta, but I, for some reason, get defensive.

"Of course not. In fact he's more himself than ever. He improves every day."

When I said Peeta was fine I was trying to avoid the subject to spare Gale's feelings, but he deserved it with his question.

"Oh…that's good. Are you friends again then?"

"Yeah. We are."

"Is that all?"I know where this question is going.

I could lie, and tell him that no, that's not all, but it's not true and I'd be saying it out of anger. "Yes, Gale, that's all."

For right now. Truth is, I do feel a…certain way about Peeta. I'm just not really sure what that is yet. But I don't know what will or won't happen with Peeta and I down the road.

All I know is that I want him in my life, I don't ever want him to leave again. When he was in the Capitol and in District 4 I missed him more than I thought was possible, and I've only been gone three days and already I miss him again. I defend him the same way I defend myself. The thought of him makes me forget my pain and smile, if only for a few moments.

And none of this makes any sense to me.

"I was just curious."

We both look at the clock at the same time. "Getting close to midnight. You want the bedroom?" He offers, "I'll sleep on the couch."

"No." I say, shaking my head. "It's fine. I don't mind the couch. It's your house anyway."

"Okay. Let me get you some blankets and a pillow."

While he does that, I clean up the dishes that we used tonight. I'm already drying them when he comes back out after making the couch up with the blankets and pillow.

"You didn't have to do that, you're the guest."

"I don't mind. Thanks for letting me stay."

"You know you're always welcome here, crazy girl."

"Goodnight Gale," I tell him, walking towards the living room.

I hear him say it back, just before the kitchen light goes out and I lay down on the couch, ready for some much needed sleep.


	22. The Adventure

**A/N: Peeta's chapter will be next. I wanted his to cover an entire week. Song for this chapter is: "The Adventure" by Angels and Airwaves.**

Gale shakes me awake, and I put my hand in front of my face to cover the sunlight from hitting my eyes.

"What time is it?" I say while sitting up.

"Almost eleven."

I stretch and become sad and happy at the same time when I remember that my train leaves tonight. I'll have to leave Gale soon, but I'll see Peeta in two days. I mean, I'll see everyone back home in two days, including Peeta.

"My train leaves tonight."

"I know," he says, looking at my ticket, lying face up on his coffee table, "I saw the ticket."

"What's that smell?" I ask.

Gale grabs my hand and pulls me up off the couch. "Come on, I've got a surprise for you."

We make our way into the kitchen, and there, on the table, sits a basket of freshly baked cheese buns.

I admit I get a little too carried away with excitement. "No way!" I say, sitting down on one of the chairs and smelling the bun.

"Flashback."

"What?" I ask him, my mouth full of bread.

"I said 'flashback'. Remember reaping day three years ago? When you were sixteen, before…everything."

Why would Gale ruin my happiness with a mention of our past.

"What about it?"

"You did the same thing. That morning, in the woods. I had bread for you, and your face lit up the way it did just now. You reacted in the same way."

"I…just…love cheese buns."

I really don't see what the big deal is. But Gale laughs.

"It's just funny how people never really change huh?"

Not sure if I should be offended or happy with that last comment. Have I changed? Probably. But in a good way or bad? I'm not sure.

"You don't think I've changed?"

"In some ways. But your heart hasn't."

"What do you mean by that?"

"After all you've been through, you still retain that youthful exuberance about the little things. More grown up, yes, more responsible, yes, maybe even more of a smartass than you used to be, but a flower is still a flower to you. No matter how many weeds grow around it."

His insight is a little unnerving. Why does he notice those things about me? Okay, stupid question. He loves me.

Then my heart sinks as I remember daydreaming about Peeta yesterday. Every detail came to mind about him. The way he walks, the way his hair sits on his head, the way he does everything, and everything about him. Not one thing goes unnoticed, and I had to be sitting here in District 2 to realize it. To realize that I pay more attention to Peeta than I thought I did; that I watch him, for no reason whatsoever. I have to be sitting here in District 2, talking to Gale to realize that there's a very real possibility that I…might be in love with Peeta.

I shake my head. No. No, I can't allow it. I have to do something to prevent this from going any further. I can not fall for Peeta. The consequences would be huge.

I just want to live my life. And even if I ended up falling for Peeta on my own accord, the fact that the entire country wanted me to be with him would be in the back of my mind. That I did what I was told for the Capitol and its citizens who oppressed us, gave us horrible conditions, starved my family and killed my father. I can't give them what they wanted, even if they are no longer in power. Even if Snow is dead.

Not only that, but now that I finally have a private life, it would be gone. Word would spread like wildfire, and within a few days I'd have Plutarch calling or people showing up on my doorstep, or, even worse, television crew- who would put us on air and expose Gale to the pain of seeing us together. I wouldn't be able to endure that again, I wouldn't survive it. I'd never be happy again. And Peeta deserves someone that can be happy with him.

And even the thought of Peeta ending up with someone else sickens me. God, what's wrong with me? Is this what love does to you?

I'm certain, I want no part of it.

"Earth to Katniss."

"Huh?" I say, blinking my eyes, forcing myself to focus on Gale.

"You've been kind of…uh…drifting off lately. Are you sure everything's okay?"

"It is. I just have to make sure I keep it that way."

"I know you're not leaving quite yet, but just know that if you ever need anything, even if it's just to talk, I'm a phone call away. Don't feel like you ever need to hide things from me."

I nod my head, though it's a lie. I can't tell him what I was thinking about. It'd crush him. There's no need for it.

"Gale," I say, smiling to reassure him, "Everything is great."

He walks up and puts a hand under my chin, lifting my face up.

"There's that pretty smile that's so rare to come by."

"Tell me more about what you like about it here?"

Gale tells me that he and his work friends sometimes go hiking in the mountains here. They're much like the ones back home, but here there's all kinds of wildlife that you don't see over there, because of the climate difference. He says they hunt and fish a lot, and sometimes just hike to the peak of a hill and just enjoy the view and their freedom.

I tell him what's been going on in 12, which isn't much. I don't give him too many details on Peeta, but I do tell him he's reopening his family's bakery.

"What's he going to call it?"

"I don't know, I'll have to get back to you on that. Probably keep the same name."

"I bet you're excited for the opening."

I shrug. "Not so much. I mean, excited for him of course, I know he enjoys it. But I could do without the crowd."

"Won't you miss out on the baking though?"

"Peeta brings me cheese buns most mornings. And if I crave something else, which is rare, he'll make it for me at his house. He's got some equipment in there, just not enough to run a bakery."

Gale's smile fades a bit, and I realized I may have divulged too much information.

"Kind of annoys me though, the constant company. I prefer to keep to myself and hunt."

Gale nods his head. "Sounds like you."

That's still partly true. Peeta's presence does irritate me slightly sometimes, but I still miss him when he's not irritating me. Is that normal? It can't be.

"Gale? Wanna take me hunting out here?"

"Do we have time?" He asks, but he's already up moving around getting things ready before I can answer.

We hike up a nearby mountain to save time, and while he brought two bows for us to use, we don't shoot one arrow. Half the time, I even forget that I have it.

The scenery is just so beautiful, that we spend our time watching birds feed their young or deer trot across the freshly fallen snow.

At one point I start to shiver and Gale offers me his coat. I put it on and feel much warmer, and I hide my head in it, consuming his scent, trying to get it imprinted in my mind so that when I leave I won't ever forget him; at least until I get the chance to see him again, which probably won't be for quite some time, considering I broke my agreement to stay in twelve.

"Do you want to head back?" He asks a short while later, probably after noticing my lips turning blue.

"No, I like it here. And I may not see it again for awhile."

"You know you're always welcome, Katniss."

I nod my head, and move my body closer to his, and he puts an arm around me. He points out various parts of the city that you can see from the peak that we now stand on. At one point, he points out a mountain lion a little off in the distance.

"I've seen one, but the ones here are different." I tell him.

"Their coats are lighter to blend in with the snow. The bears are colored differently too. They aren't like the black and brown ones in 12, they're a light gray."

"Nature works the way it should." I say, but I don't get a response.

Then I feel his eyes on me so I look up and tilt my head back slightly, to meet his gaze. I have that feeling again, the one that tells me to back up. But I don't. This is the last time I'll have to see Gale in the near future, so I let him kiss me, one final time.

He does it differently than Peeta, Peeta's much more gentle, but creates more of an intensity. Gale is more to the point. Passionate, yet simple. He keeps his hands behind my head, fingers in my hair.

The kiss is nice, but it doesn't do anything to me. It doesn't spark a fire inside me the way Peeta's kiss does. After a few seconds, I back away, grabbing his hand, and holding it. Snow starts falling again.

"If you still don't want anything more than friends with me, I'll understand and find a way to move on. But…before I could do that, I had to be sure that you were sure about your decision. I had to kiss you so you'd know."

"You're good at it," I tell him, smiling, "Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise."

"Anyone else? I assume that means it doesn't change anything."

I let go of his hand.

"What I said, I meant. About, loving you…" I say, hesitating on the word "love", and then Gale interrupts me.

"Just…not in the same way I love you. I know. It's okay. Thank you for your visit, it meant a lot."

"Of course." I say, and I hug him, he holds me, and we stay like that for a minute or two when he looks up and tells me, "It's time to go."

An hour later we arrive back at his house, and he makes dinner while I make sure I've got everything packed for my train that leaves in two hours.

We sit side by side, laughing, joking, and I can't remember the last time I was this happy. It's like the time I spent out here gave me a temporary release from the insanity I felt the last few years. Especially the hike today. Seeing the beauty of it all, reminding me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. If nature can heal itself, restore its beauty and life even after a war, so can I.

The sun goes down, and I start to grab my bag, but Gale beats me to it. He picks up the bag and pulls my hood up over my head, to disguise myself. "At least let me walk you to the train station."

The city looks even more beautiful at night. The streets are laced with a certain rock that absorbs sunshine and glows at night. It's like walking on a sidewalk made of fireflies. The air is very cold but very clean, and I breathe in every last bit I can, trying to remember it before arriving back in twelve, where the coal dust lingers in the air.

We get to the train station and I hand my ticket to the operator, who then directs me to the car I'll be boarding. Gale doesn't let go of my hand until I step onto the train.

As I let go, I see the smile on his face. Happy. That's all I want for him. I've done a pretty good job protecting him from the me and Peeta being alone so much thing, I think. And I told him I didn't hate him, that I loved him and missed him. I did everything I came to do.

But then just before the door shuts, he tells me, "Katniss,"

I turn around.

"Be good to him."

"To who?" I say, but I know he means Peeta.

I'm so naïve for thinking that Gale couldn't piece it together this whole time. Gale is a smart guy, of course he figured it out.

Then the door shuts. But the smile doesn't fade from his face as he waves before turning around, back to the new life, the one that makes him happy, the one he deserves.

And I feel an overwhelming sense of hope for the first time since I can ever remember.

Maybe things will all be okay.

The train begins to move, and before I know it, District 2 is just a small light, fading in the distance with each passing minute.

**A/N: This was one of my favorite chapters to write, because it is a turning point for Katniss. Hope you all enjoyed it too.**


	23. Dig

**A/N: Song for this chapter is "Dig" by Incubus. I split the next chapter into two parts, because this chapter is being recapped by Peeta, but I didn't want to make the chapters too long. So this is part 1 of 2 of the same chapter. Sorry if that's confusing.**

Today is the big day. I was afraid that this past week would go by painfully slow, with Katniss being gone. But so much has happened that I've been kept preoccupied pretty much the whole time. I guess it all started with dinner:

"You WHAAAAT?!" Yells Haymitch, when I show up at his house at six in the afternoon. "I invited Sae, the doctor, and Effie to dinner tonight here, thought it would be nice to invite them."

"Well, good luck with that, kid. I'm going to get the hell outta here. Ya'll do whatever you like, just don't touch my liquor."

Haymitch grabs his coat, preparing to bolt out the door, but I step in front of him.

"But you said we could hang out tonight Haymitch. To 'keep my mind off things'" I say, mimicking his voice.

"…that…that's true, but I never said to invite the shrink and that vile woman!"

"Sae?" I kid.

"You don't damn well I don't mean Sae, ya nimrod."

"Aw come on Haymitch! It'll be nice for everyone to get together and catch up."

He mimicks me in a shrill voice, "It'll be nice for everyone to get together and catch up."

I give him a more serious look. "You know you want to bicker with Effie some more. I think you enjoy it."

"That's none of your business."

"Whoa…look, all I said was that you like bickering with her…"

He stares at me dumbfounded. "Fine. But don't get used to these little gatherings. And don't expect me to be sober."

"I never do. Now go get dressed, Sae should be almost here with the roast."

Haymitch stomps up his staircase muttering curse words under his breath.

Sae rings the door bell just after.

"Peeta! You look lovely," she says, setting the roast down and kissing my cheek. "Let's get this roast in the oven."

I watch Sae season it and put it in the oven, and then she cuts up some vegetables to toss in as well.

She wipes her hands off on her apron and then says, "Now, where's that miserable ol' drunkard?"

"Nice to see you too ya old woman," Haymitch says, but he smiles and lets her fix his shirt.

"Boy, after all these years you still can't button your shirt right?" She jokes.

"Well, you know I'm sure the whole alcoholic thing might have something to do with it."

He walks around her, grabs a shot glass from his cupboard, and then pours himself some of his white liquor.

"Where's sister sunshine?" He asks, and just then, the doctor and Effie walk through the door.

"Hello, so good to see you," Effie says to Sae, giving her a hug.

She barely acknowledges Haymitch by saying his name and giving a slight nod of her head in his direction. He responds by barely lifting his hand from his bottle.

Doctor Aurelius then pulls me to the side, "I need to speak with you."

I take him outside, around to the back, and snow starts to fall. "That's weird," I tell him, "Usually it doesn't start to snow here until January."

"It's been a cold October." He responds.

"Peeta, you've come a remarkable distance from this time last year."

Doctor Aurelius turns his attention towards his shoe, and shovels at the fresh snow with it.

"But…?" I ask, sensing his tone.

"…But Katniss hasn't." He says.

"That's not true," I tell him, coming to her immediate defense, though I really don't know if that's true or not. I don't really have anything to base that on. There's been a few times I've questioned her stability myself, but then, at the same time, I've seen her smile once or twice since we've been back here. It was hard enough to get her to smile when we were just kids, before the games.

"The rule was, that in exchange for her freedom, and her release back here, she would see me regularly, and not violate the terms of her release."

I know where he's going, and it scares me to death. Even if Katniss hasn't recovered as much as everyone hoped she would, I know for a fact that sending her away from here would be the absolute worst idea. She'd get worse, way worse. Here there's still happy memories, memories with Prim and her dad, and even me. Memories that she desperately needs to cling to to heal.

"You can't send her back."

"My hands are tied, Peeta. They really are. I can't bullshit to Paylor forever, she sees through people easily."

"Dr, sending her back would be the worst mistake in the world," I plead to him.

"Even if she had gotten better, she violated the terms of her release by going to district 2. Anything there could set her off. She's a danger to herself and others there. That's why I wouldn't authorize it. The only reason I authorized her trip to 4 was to see her mother."

As much as I hate to say it, "But she went there for a reason, she went to see Gale. He's familiar, he'd keep her from losing it, I know he would."

"Maybe the old Gale would. But did he not lose her trust when the bombs went off in the Capitol? Or when he made the decision to blow up the Nut?"

I stay quiet. I don't have an argument here.

"Please don't send her back. What about me? If I've come this far, it's because of her…if you take her from me I'll have no reason to keep myself from going completely insane."

"Peeta, like I said, my hands are tied. I'm not sure what to do."

I sigh. "Look, what if I can convince her to see you when she gets back, and to call once a week, like she originally promised?"

"If you could, it would help her tremendously, but even so, she violated…"

I interrupt him, "Yes, yes, I know, she violated the terms of her agreement. But just give her another couple of months. Keep in mind she just lost her sister. I'm sure that is affecting her as well."

Dr. Aurelius hesitates. "Alright. But you have to get her to call me, I mean it. I have to leave in a few days, before she gets back. If I don't hear from her…"

"I know. You don't have to say it. But you will. I'll make sure you do."

"…I'm really putting my neck on the line for you and her. I can't push this enough. I have to submit my monthly review to Paylor's secretary in two weeks. I have to have something good to say about both of you, something truthful. I can't lie anymore. She already suspects it."

"I understand."

Then Effie walks out, doing her best to cover her hair from snow falling in it, and her heel of her shoe gets stuck in the ground and she trips.

"Oh my goodness, you'd think I'd had some of Haymitch's booze!" She laughs, while the doctor and I help her up.

She dusts the snowflakes off her blouse. "Sae says the first course is served. And Haymitch wants to know what's taking so long."

"Oh, he hasn't passed out in his own vomit yet?" I joke.

They both laugh and we head inside. Effie walks in first, and just before Dr. Aurelius does, he turns around and gives me a hardened look, one I haven't seen before. It expresses danger and anger and worry all at the same time.

He goes back inside, and I know that this is serious. If she doesn't want to cooperate, I may lose her. And worse, she might lose herself.


	24. Best Days

**A/N: Song for this chapter is "Best Days" by Graham Colton. This is part 2 of 2.**

Over dinner, Effie had told me she had a surprise for me the next day. Not thinking it to be anything big, I forgot all about it. But then the next morning, she and Haymitch showed up on my doorstep early in the morning, with a blindfold in Effie's hand.

"Put this on!" She said, excitedly, handing it to me. "What's going on?"

"Just put the damn blindfold on kid so we can get this over with. She hasn't shut up about this all morning." Haymitch says, folding his arms. I do as they asked, and loop one arm around Haymitch's arm, the other around Effie's, and they guide me somewhere. But based on the sounds I hear, I think we're going into town.

My prediction was correct. When Effie takes off my blindfold, I'm staring into the window of my bakery.

There, in the window, I can see it. Brand new glass over the shelving that will showcase my bakery's items. Brand new paint, and most of all, brand new equipment that I can see through a small window between the café area and kitchen.

I knew it was coming, but actually seeing the brand new, shiny baking equipment already set up in the kitchen made me happier than I have been in awhile. The only thing about the bakery that wasn't rebuilt and brand new, was the sign. It still read "Mellark Bakery", in the faded blue paint.

Haymitch seems to catch my observation.

"Er, we weren't sure if you wanted to keep that name, or to change it."

I thought about changing it for a second, only because seeing the run down sign reminded me of my mother's disapproval, for some odd reason. But in the end, I decided I'd keep the name to honor my father and brothers. I could always repaint the sign and make it look like new, representing a new beginning.

"I think I'll just repaint it. I think an orange color would be nice. Or maybe green.." I think.

"We stayed up all night with the help of a few townspeople fixing it up for you," someone says behind me.

I turn around and see the guy I met in 13, the one named Ketra. He moved here, and I saw him a couple months back, but not since.

"Hey, how you been?"

"Pretty good. Got the house all fixed up. I'm working construction with Thom and the boys."

"Right, I've seen them around town a couple times."

"I just joined a few weeks back."

"Well, thanks for this," I say, meaning my bakery, "How much do I owe you guys?"

He smiles. "This was free."

"Free? No, I have money, let me pay you," I tell him, reaching into my pocket.

Ketra holds his palm up, "No, please. This was the least we could do."

"You didn't have to do that." I tell him, though still very appreciative of the fine job they did.

Another voice pipes up and I turn to see Thom. "It's our way of saying thank you for what you did for the country. It wasn't just Katniss, or the rebels. You had a huge part in it, too."

Did I?

"I'm sorry, I don't really remember."

"That's right," He says, "Heard about the memory thing, sorry to hear about that."

"It's okay. I remember more and more everyday. I still have bits and pieces."

"Well, maybe one of them could fill you in one of these days," Thom says, elbowing Haymitch in the side.

"Okay, Okay, ease off before you get a punch in the face."

"I'd like to see you land a punch on my face when you're seeing triple of me," he says, obviously poking fun at Haymitch's drinking problem. Ketra laughs.

"Look, we've got some work to do in the Seam. Rebuilding a few houses. But if there's anything else you need, don't hesisitate." Ketra tells me. Thom nods his head, and they leave, but not before Thom puts the brand new keys to the brand new bakery in my hand.

"Two keys?" Effie questions.

Haymitch playfully punches me in the arm. "Yeah, in case this bonehead loses one."

But I have a feeling this key is meant for someone else.

The next few days I kept myself occupied with things I'd need to reopen my bakery. I went into town shopping for supplies. I got flour, sugar, baking soda, and all the spices I needed.

I spent some time with Effie creating the menu. She helped design it, making it easy on the eyes, while I drew pictures of some of the item's I'd be selling. In addition to bread and rolls available all day, I'd be selling soups for lunch and dinner, and coffee and donuts would be available all day and all night.

I decided to make the bakery twenty four hours, but only five days a week. After some convincing, I got Haymitch to agree taking the night shift, since he was up all night anyway. Really, I don't need him to help me run it, but I do somewhat care about him, and if he has something useful to do with his time, maybe he won't drink himself into a coma in his forties. He agreed not to drink during his shift, so long as he got free donuts, to which I, of course agreed. It's not like I'd be out any money, he refused to be paid for his time. Says he makes the same amount of money I do anyway and has plenty, so I could "take his paycheck and shove it."

Not sure what that means, never heard that expression before.

Sae said that her trading at the Hob didn't take up too much time, so she agreed to cook the soups for lunch and dinner. Even though she refused payment as well, I insisted that I had more than I needed and she was taking a paycheck whether she wanted it or not. I'm sure she'd be fine without it, but a little extra to fall back on won't hurt.

I'd get there at five in the morning to bake for the day, but I'd still need someone in the front for the customers. So, I decided to give the job to someone that really needed it. It would be a paid position.

So I gave the job to a woman in her thirties, named Genevieve, Gen for short. She was a single mother of three, widowed during the war.

Of course throughout all of this, I considered Katniss. But I don't think it'd be good for her for right now. She wouldn't mind the working part at all, but she may not feel comfortable being around so many people at this point. And I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that either. People will ask questions or want to talk about things or express concern. I don't mind it much, but she does, and I don't want anything getting in the way of her healing.

So today is the big day. Katniss comes back tonight, and my bakery opens today. I am so happy that I'm practically skipping towards town, ready to start my new life.

When I get there, I unlock the door and turn on the lights, you can still smell the fresh paint.

I turn on all the equipment, put on an apron, and wash my hands.

Since I have to bake before opening the store for the first time, we don't open until seven am today. Gen starts her morning shift tomorrow.

Two hours later, all the baking has been done, bread and donuts and pastries in the display case.

I turn on the open sign and unlock the door.

Ten minutes later, I get the first customer.

He's a middle aged man, and though not elderly, walks with a cane. He is quiet, and has to push his glasses back up on his nose quite a few times as he leans over to inspect the pastry section.

"I'll take two of those things," he says, pointing to a pastry with a cream cheese filling.

I give it to him for free, telling him he's my first customer.

He smiles, missing a few teeth. Then he says, "Ya know, you didn't just get your looks from your father, you got his kindness too. I was kinda hopin this place would open back up."

I make polite conversation with him and he tells me he knew my father because he owned the butcher shop a few doors down in the marketplace. That's why he looked familiar.

Sae gets here around eleven and begins making a vegetable soup. "This place really is very nice, Peeta. People need nice right now." She says, smiling.

Throughout the day I get a good number of customers, and that number will only go up, so long as the current customers spread the word and give good reviews; and with my day staff, I'm sure the reviews won't be a problem. Haymitch might, but everyone that was living here before the war already knew him, so they know he's a bit cranky. Maybe since he's not in a drunken stupor for his shift he'll eat his way into a sugar coma and be happy for once.

Some of the customers come for the cheese buns, since word spread that cheese buns was Katniss' favorite. Most all of them ask about her. I tell them she's doing just fine but not ready to be in the public eye again just yet. They all nod in understanding and tell me to give her their best, which I say I'll do. Some ask about Haymitch, or some of the other survivors, and they all ask about me. I tell them I'm doing much better but recovery is a long road.

I get a few customers that ask me if the rumors about Katniss and I are true. Well, I wouldn't even know the answer to that, since I don't know the rumors. I simply smile and tell them to have a good day. None of them are persistent about it.

After a long day, I let Sae go home, and call Gen to be sure she's available to come in the next morning, which she is. Haymitch gets there around eight at night, sober, just like he promised, though I don't know how long it'll last.

"Okay boy, I'm here, just like you asked."

I show Haymitch that all he really has to do is ring up the customers for their items, and keep the café area clean.

He says it's simple enough and grabs a jelly donut before sitting down in a chair and putting his feet up. I glare at him and he takes them down.

"Habit, sorry."

I say bye and turn to leave, but just as I do, Haymitch tells me, "By the way, her train gets here at nine."

That's in one hour. Should I go or not?


	25. Feeling A Moment

**A/N: Song for this chapter is "Feeling a Moment" by Feeder.**

I must turn towards the station and then back in the direction of my house a hundred times, but I end up just going home.

As much as I want to meet her there at the train station, be the first person she sees when she steps off the train, I shouldn't. I don't know how she's feeling right now. I don't know if she needs to be alone. I don't know if she wants to see me, or if she doesn't, or if she doesn't care either way. She used to be somewhat predictable, but not anymore, not at all.

She could kiss me, or punch me in the face, there's really no telling. I don't understand her reasoning. Haymitch has told me I never would, that God put women here for the sole reason of driving men so crazy that they have no choice but to pray for their own sanity. ….But Haymitch is cynical, and I'm already half crazy. Still, I used to be able to read her like an open book.

So I go on home. I also consider waiting up for her to get home, but my exhaustion from the first day of work gets the best of me, and I go up to bed at eight thirty.

Buttercup hates me, but since she's been gone he won't leave my side. I think he feels like he needs someone to protect, or maybe just someone to feed him. Though I've seen him hunt for himself…I don't know. That cat's almost as big a mystery as his owner.

I climb onto my bed, too tired to even take off my shoes or cover myself with a blanket. My eyes shut as soon as my head hits the pillow, Buttercup being the last thing I see before drifting off to sleep.

When my alarm goes off at four in the morning to get ready for my second day of work, things are different. I've been tucked into my bed, the blankets around me, and my shoes and socks lie on the floor. I think either Sae or Haymitch. But Sae had no reason to come here in the middle of the night; and Haymitch is at work, or at least, he better be, or I'll kill him.

Then my mind conjures up another possibility…Katniss?

No, why would she be here? After she left me the day she kissed me and took off to go see Gale? What reason would she have to come see me instead of going home?

But then I notice that Buttercup is gone. He wouldn't leave my side if she weren't back.

I take a shower and get dressed for work before investigating.

There are three bedrooms in the house, all upstairs down the same hallway. Mine plus two spares. I check both but there is no evidence of them being disturbed. Then I go downstairs, and find Buttercup perched up on the back of the couch. And I know where she is, I walk around to the other side of the couch, and sure enough, Katniss is sleeping there, but not sleeping well. My couch is pretty small, so her feet are huddled up close to her chest, and she's shivering. She's also doing a lot of tossing and turning, but that's normal for her.

Hoping not to wake her up, but not wanting to leave her there, uncomfortable and cold, I pick her up into my arms slowly and gently as I can, while Buttercup hisses at me and chases my pant leg- trying to protect her, I guess.

I lie her down on my bed, and cover her up the way she did for me. Buttercup then hops up and sits at the foot of the bed, still hissing. I grab a pen and paper and write her a note.

_Put you up here in my bed because you were cold._

_Bakery's open, you're welcome to come by. _

_If not, see you later._

_-Peeta_

Short and simple.

I really wish I'd known she'd be here, so I could make her the cheese buns she likes. She won't come to the shop, she won't want to be around the people. I make a promise to myself to get up earlier tomorrow to make her a few of her own in my kitchen.

"How is she?" Haymitch asks, the first thing he says soon as I walk in the door.

"Don't know, didn't go by."

"What?" He says, choking on his donut.

"Don't look so surprised. I didn't know if she'd want to see me."

"You're kidding me. She would have wanted to see you, even if she didn't know it."

"Uh, what?"

"Nevermind, it's early, the sun is about to come up, I'm tired."

"You can leave whenever you're ready. I'm here and Gen will be here at seven when more people start showing up."

He got up and grabbed a donut on his way out the door, I thought about telling him about what happened this morning but decided not to. It wasn't that big a deal.

"Good morning, Boss," Gen says, in her unusual accent. It kind of sounds like a mix between two different accents.

"Good morning, but it's just Peeta."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, we're all friends here."

She smiles before putting her apron on and thanking me for the job again.

"It's no problem, really, you're helping me out just as much as I'm helping you out," I tell her.

Gen is a natural with the customers. She makes sure each one knows the menu, and for the new ones, she explains everything probably better than I could. She's quick on the register, too, and I'm happy I hired her. She'll be off at three in the afternoon, but Sae will be here from twelve to eight, at which time Haymitch gets here, so all the shifts are covered. I get to decide what time I leave, but I want to wait a while, just in case Katniss decides to come in.

I bake slightly more today than I did yesterday, since we ran out of a few items yesterday. It's a good thing, though.

Most customers coming in are the ones from yesterday, getting the same thing they did yesterday. But some are new, and I keep an eye out for Katniss, even though I'm sure she won't come in.

But I'm wrong.

I finally decide to go home around five, but I make sure Sae is done with her cooking so she can take care of things until Haymitch arrives. I grab my things to leave, and when I open the kitchen door, Katniss walks in the front.

She is wearing a fitted black shirt with a green jacket, and black hunting boots. She doesn't have her bow, though. Her hair isn't braided today, it's down, kind of in her face. Maybe she is trying to keep it there so as to ward off attention, I don't know.

She walks in nervously, head down slightly, but still up enough so that she can see. She looks around and tucks a piece of hair behind her ear. Immediately, two customers notice her, and as she sees them, she looks like she wants to leave. But they don't swarm the way I thought they might, and the way she probably assumed they would. Once she sees them, they both turn their eyes back to their soup and dinner rolls.

I walk out briskly, grabbing her hand, and pulling her towards the kitchen.

"You came?" I ask.

"You sound surprised."

"I just…didn't think you'd want to be around people. Don't get me wrong, I'm really glad you came."

She smiles, but only a half smile. She looks around. "This place is fancy. Can I look?"

"Yeah, you want a tour?"

It sounds kind of dumb since there's only a café and a kitchen, but she nods.

I show her the display case, pointing out and identifying the different kinds of menu items I serve. I showed her all the equipment, and told her about how I got Haymitch to take the night shift sober.

"That's something I'll need to see to believe."

I laugh.

I give her a box and she opens it. "Cheese buns?"

"Yeah, you know I try to leave them for you."

"Do people buy them?"

"Yes, actually, more than you'd think."

"They really are very good. My favorite."

"I know," I say, and we smile at each other.

I fight the urge to hug her and tell her I missed her, not wanting to make her uncomfortable.

I also want to ask her about why she was on the couch in my house last night, not that I minded. But she speaks first.

"So, what time can you leave?"

"I was on my way out the door when you came in."

"Oh, sorry."

"No, don't be. I'm glad you came in. I wanted to share this with you."

"Do you have any plans?"

"Not so far. What did you have in mind?" I ask her.

She looks around to be sure there's no one within earshot, then tells me, "I want to show you something."

**A/N: Not sure how many more chapters there will be, but I can see the end of the story now. Peeta is doing much better and has opened his bakery, and Katniss has finally reached a turning point. We're in the last quarter of the story.**


	26. The World I Know

**A/N: Song for this chapter is "The World I Know" by Collective Soul. **

**If any of you are on the East Coast right now, my prayers are with you. **

"Those people, they knew who I was, right?" I ask Peeta upon leaving the bakery with him.

"Yes, you're surprised they didn't acknowledge you?"

"Well, a bit."

"So was I. But I think they understand, you know? I'm sure they dying to ask you questions, but know you need time alone."

"Do they ask you?"

"Who? The customers? Some do. But mostly just how you and I are doing, along with Haymitch and everyone else that was directly involved."

I stay quiet for a moment. So maybe this is more proof that things aren't as bad as they seemed to be before.

Still, there's just something about Peeta that helps too…something about him that makes me feel calm when I would expect myself to lose it. I don't know what it is, just something about him that makes me feel like everything will be okay.

Peeta breaks the silence:

"People aren't as bad as they seem. Especially ones here. They're just trying to move on with their lives, establish some kind of comfortable routine, the way we are."

"I know."

Something tells me to grab his hand, but I don't. There are too many people around to see, and I'm still not sure if I'm ready to deal with the implications of it, people talking, all that.

"So, where we going?" Peeta asks me.

"Your house." I don't tell him where we'll be going after that yet, because the more I wait, the longer I have to bail.

I have been rethinking this decision since "I have to show you something" came out of my mouth. Part of me wants and needs to share it with him, the other part thinks I'm crazy for giving up the only piece of serenity I have left by showing him the lakehouse.

Peeta looks confused but doesn't speak up about it, so when we get to his house, I tell him to dress warmly and bring comfortable shoes.

"Are we going hunting?" He asks me with a bright smile on his face.

The simplicity of it makes me smile.

"No, it's nearly nightfall. We can't hunt then."

He moves his head slightly to the side but doesn't question me.

I follow him into the house.

"Can I get you anything while you wait?" He asks me.

"No, I'll be fine."

Peeta heads upstairs.

Soon as he does, I start to panic. I put my face in my hands and lean forward while sitting on the couch. _Why are you doing this? He'll always know where you are! Are you ready to give up your hiding place, forever? Really? What if he doesn't understand it? What if he tells you it's too dangerous for you to be out there? What if he tells Dr. Aurelius you're leaving the district?_

Plenty more questions invade my mind over the next few minutes, and then my panic gets the best of me, and I'm ready to bolt out the door, but before I can reach it, Peeta comes down the stairs.

He's wearing a red knit hat with a matching red jacket, large black boots, green cargo pants, and a backpack.

I laugh a little bit. "You look like a Christmas tree."

He smiles but examines himself. "Is it that bad?"

"No, I'm teasing you. Where we're going it won't matter anyway."

And just like that, that simple exchange of words, all the panic in my heart and mind went away, and was replaced with calmness and hope and serenity.

How could I have jumped to conclusions so quickly? Of course Peeta will tell me it's dangerous, it's Peeta, but everything else sounds ridiculous now. He wouldn't tell the doctor in a million years, because that would mean losing me. He wouldn't judge me for needing to be alone there sometimes, and though he may not always like it, he'll always let me go off alone for awhile. Because even if he doesn't understand me as well as people think he does, it's his overwhelming urge to try that keeps him in sync with me.

He opens the door, allowing me to leave first, then he closes it behind him.

"Is Haymitch at the bakery?" I ask him. Peeta looks at his watch.

"Not yet, he's not due there till eight. It's seven."

I whisper for him to follow me, and I stand on my toes to peek in Haymitch's window.

"He's not in there," I tell Peeta, but then we hear movement upstairs.

"He must be getting ready," Peeta tells me.

"Let's go then, hurry" I tell him.

Peeta follows me around the back of my house, the back way to the woods.

"If we aren't going hunting," He asks me when we get to the district line, "Where are we going?"

I put a finger in front of my lips to tell him to be quiet. When we reach the edge of the forest, I tell him to follow me.

After a few steps, I have to go back.

"What's wrong?" I ask him.

"I can't see anything."

"Give your eyes a few seconds to adjust to the darkness. You'll be able to see."

"Okay."

I reach out my hand. "Until then, just focus on the sounds, here."

Peeta takes my hand, and together we walk towards the lakehouse.

"Katniss?"

I knew he wouldn't be able to just enjoy the walk.

"Yes?"

"Why did you come over last night?"

_Because I missed you._

But I can't tell him that, not yet.

"I didn't want to be alone."

"You didn't have to sleep on the couch."

_No, but I couldn't exactly just climb in bed with you either could I?_

Before I can reply, he says, "It's not like we haven't slept together before."

I stop and turn to him, "Um, _what?_"

"No, I mean, like just sleeping. The way we used to on the train…or was that memory tampered with?"

A part of me wonders if that's really all he thinks happened, or if Snow implanted other memories.

He starts going on, "I mean I think I can remember us sleeping together because it stopped our nightmares, and.."

I interrupt him, "Those memories weren't tampered with."

"They weren't?" He confirms.

I shake my head. There's a brightness in his eyes than I can see even when it's almost pitch black outside.

"I'm surprised he didn't take that memory from me, it was one of the happiest ones I have."

I melt, but I pretend it doesn't affect me, partly because I wish it didn't.

"We have to keep going."

Two hours later, so around nine, we reach the lake. Where, in the forest, it was very dark, the clearing allows the full moon to shine brightly over the waters of the lake, moving, but calmly.

"Wow, I never knew this was here," he tells me.

"My father and I used to come here when I was a little girl. He taught me how to swim in that lake."

Peeta squeezes my hand while we stand at the edge of the lake.

"Did you bring anyone else here?"

"Only Gale, and now you. I don't want anyone else to know, please."

"Of course not."

"I haven't shown you the best part."

I smile and run towards the lakehouse, dropping his hand. He follows me.

I open the door. It's freezing inside, but that's what the warm clothes and fireplace is for.

"Hang on a second." I tell Peeta.

I grab a match from my pocket and go around lighting candles in the different parts of the room, until the entire living room is emanating a soft, golden glow.

"Oh, wow, this is incredible. Look at all these things," he says, examining the quilt in front of the fireplace, the family portraits and momentos scattered about, finally resting his eyes on the book we worked on together. He picks it up after a fertive glance at me, I tell him it belongs to him too, he helped make it.

While he's busy reminiscing about the book, I get fire logs from the back of the house and bring them inside, shutting and latching the door.

I toss them in and give him a match, and we each ignite the logs inside the fireplace, waving at the burning embers with our hands until we create a big enough flame to heat this place up a bit.

I sit on the quilt, in front of the fire, and he sits next to me, we're both angled so that we're facing the fire as well as each other.

"Katniss, Doctor Aurelius says things are bad now."

I bite my lip. "I figured he might. How bad?"

"He wanted to send you back, I convinced him to give you a little more time, but he won't wait much longer. He really needs you to start keeping your phone appointments."

"I know. I will."

"Really?" He laughs, "I was expecting it to be a little harder than that to convince you. What happened to you in 2?"

"I don't know. I think I just needed to deal with some things before I could move on with my life."

"Like forgiving Gale?" Peeta asks me. Maybe he knows me better than I thought.

I nod.

"I brought you here to talk, though. I know there's some things that don't make sense to you, I'd like to help you put together the puzzle."

Peeta's eyes brighten up and he smiles before hugging me. I don't really respond to the hug, being that it surprised me, but regardless, it was nice.

"Thank you! But why all of a sudden?"

"It should have been done a long time ago. I'm sorry I left you to deal with this alone. I know you still don't completely understand what happened to you. I can't even imagine what that's like."

Peeta smiles at me again, and reaches for my hand, and I'm going to need it. I need his touch to calm me down and comfort me when he asks the questions I know he needs to ask, and that I'm not prepared to answer.


	27. You Belong to Me

**A/N: Song for this chapter is "You Belong to Me" By Grey Holiday**

Though I don't completely understand what made her finally trust me with this place, with her answers to my questions, and just trust me in general, I'm happy for it.

She's gotten to a better place, somehow over a week, and I know that once I have my life and my memories back, we can both move forward and begin to enjoy our lives and our newfound freedom.

I reach for her hand and reluctantly, she puts her hand in mine. She looks away, and I see the reflection of the flames dancing in her eyes.

"Fire." I say.

"Huh?" She asks me.

"What's our relationship with fire?"

"I'm..not sure what you mean."

"I have a memory of you, trapping me behind a wall of fire in the first games."

She drops my hand and looks hurt.

"Katniss, it's okay," I plead with her, "I'll understand if you did, you thought I was your enemy."

"Peeta, I never did anything to try and hurt you, other than sawing the tracker jacker nest off the tree."

"So that was you then?"

"The tracker jacker nest, yes. Rue pointed it out, and I thought you and the Careers were trying to kill me, so I tried to kill you first."

"Oh. Okay. They make you hallucinate, right?"

"Yes."

"Do they make you see faces? Because I saw yours…on the bees."

"I didn't see faces, I saw orange bubbles….who knows why. But after you were stung, somehow you found me, and told me to run. That's the only time you saw my face when you were stung."

"…Then what happened?"

I'm starting to remember it now. I remember telling her to run, now that she's said it, I remember the nest of bees, and I remember something, something about my leg hurting. Something metal, blood…

"Then Cato cut you with his sword."

That's it!

"Oh my gosh, this is so great!"

"That Cato cut you?" She asks, confused. I laugh.

"No! Everything you're saying, it's coming back to me! It's not just information, it's more like.. you saying it actually _retrieves_ the memory for me!"

"I'm almost as happy to hear that as you are."

"You never again tried to hurt me?"

"No, Peeta, never. The rest of the times in the Games I spent trying to protect you. And you protected me. We protected each other. Just like we still do."

"Then why would you let me get sent to the Capitol?"

I can see tears form in her eyes, but she quickly looks away. This is causing her pain, it's obvious.

"I'm sorry, if it wasn't your fault. That's what's in my head, whether I want it to be or not."

She regains her composure after a minute and tells me, "I..that was the last thing I wanted. I would rather have gone than you. It killed me, you being in there, I couldn't focus or think, I was worried all the time. I was angry, agitated, I trained hard with the district soldiers with Johanna so that I could get you back, but in the end they went to rescue you without me."

"Why did they rescue me?"

She looks like she's thinking.

"Honestly?"

I nod.

"Because I was falling apart on camera, and they knew if I had you I'd perform better."

"That's the only reason?"

"That's the only reason that President Coin ordered the mission, but not the reason so many soldiers volunteered for it. You were a hero in their eyes, too, just as much as I was."

"How did we get separated? I remember you shooting an arrow at the top of the dome, and it exploding, throwing me back against a tree."

"That…was my fault. I was trying to break us out of here. But I was searching for you, desperately."

Then I hear the sound, it's of her calling my name, it's the memory of her looking for me. And then I remember the sound of me calling back. And I remember the despair I felt when I couldn't find her. Until it was too late and the dome exploded."

"They took you to thirteen?"

"Yes, the original plan was to take you too, but they said they ran out of time, Capitol hovercraft were closing in." She says.

She meets my eyes, "But Peeta, I swear, if I had known you weren't on the rebel hovercraft, and I wasn't unconscious, I would have never let them leave without you."

"I..I think I believe you. I remember when I was shocked on that fence, and you fell apart, because I died."

She winces, but then says, "Yes, and Finnick brought you back."

She explains to me the rebel plan from the beginning. I've heard it before from the doctor and Haymitch, but it's good to hear it confirmed by her too.

"Can I ask you a question now?" She says. I nod.

"Why did you try to kill me?"

And this is where the difficult questions begin.

"I thought you were a monster, a capitol mutt."

"What would make you think that? What did they tell you?"

"It wasn't what they told me, so much as what they showed me."

She looks at me, waiting to hear me go on.

"You may get upset. But please don't shut me out. I have to know the answers to these questions, no matter what the truth is, I want to hear it. I promise I won't lose it."

"You can't promise that."

"You're right."

I get up, and she asks me what I'm doing. "Do you have a rope?"

"Top cupboard, by the front door."

She watches as I tie myself tightly to a notch in the wood by the hallway.

"I don't think I'll lose control, but if I do, leave me tied up, and run. Run as fast as you can. Go in your house and lock the door."

She nods.

"Okay," I say, inhaling a large amount of air before going on.

"Guess we'll start at the beginning. You kissed me during the first games right?"

"Yes."

"But only for food? The doctor went over this with me, just want to make sure."

"The first time, yes, the second time, I kissed you for other reasons." She tells me.

"What reasons?"

"…I'm not sure."

"You were forced to fake a romance with me for two years after that, was the romance a fluke completely?"

"That's kind of hard to answer."

"How so?"

"Just…there's so many different things going on there."

"Was there a romance or not?"

"No. We were only friends behind the scenes and on camera."

She looks like she has something to add.

"But?" I suggest.

"…But in the second games, when you kissed me, and Finnick interrupted us, that was different."

"You felt something?"

"Yes, something deep. Something I couldn't even explain if I tried. It felt like, my blood was on fire. That warm feeling when you take a shot of Haymitch's liquor, it was like that, I guess, but all over."

"I felt the same when kissing you," I told her, "Like an electric current, with an unknown source."

"Exactly."

"What about those nights on the train?"

"What about them?"

"Did you kiss me then?"

"No, there wasn't a camera around."

"What did we do?"

"Just sleep….The closeness…it helped with the nightmares."

I think she senses where the conversation is now going, and so do I. I'm in the shadows, here tied to the wall, so I don't think she can see the embarassment, but I try to hide it anyway.

"If that's all we ever did alone at night, why did I tell everyone on stage that you were pregnant?"

"I don't even know that. I just went with it. Haymitch said it would make me look weak, which in the hunger games, is a desirable quality, especially for a victor. He said people wouldn't pick me off till the end."

I start getting memories of Katniss and Johanna in the elevator, then me telling Katniss everyone thinks she's pure, and Haymitch telling me to keep her more in the shadows, not to let her be singled out for any reason. So I made up that lie. It all comes back to me.

"So there was never a baby?"

After a few seconds of her staring down at the quilt she was sitting on, she replied, "No."

"Was there ever any act that could have made one?" I asked her, hoping I wouldn't have to say the actual word. She caught on.

"No, we never did anything like that."

Silence. Then she asks me, "You don't…have any kind of memory of us doing that, do you?"

"Yes, but now that you told me we didn't, the memory I have no longer completely makes sense. There wasn't any details. It was the kind of memory that you knew…or….thought…happened, but that's it. I don't remember anything other than the fact that we did it, except…we didn't, if that makes sense."

"Kind of. You don't have any images then?"

"No."

"Good."

"But I could've sworn that you were pregnant. I remember a name being picked out and everything. I remember how scared you were, how you would do anything to change it..."

"Is that what the Capitol showed you?"

"Yeah."

"The reason I don't want kids is because I'd be afraid for their lives constantly. If I were pregnant, do you really think I'd do anything to harm it?"

"No. Like I said, now that you're telling me this, the things they showed me and told me aren't making any sense."

She looks like she's thinking about something. Then she asks me, "What was the name? Just out of curiosity?"

"I don't remember."

"Well, it wasn't real, Peeta. Remember, I don't want any kids."

"Still? Even though things are different now?"

I already know the answer to it, but I'm still hoping I'll have a future with her here. If she really doesn't ever change her mind, I'll still love her, but if she does, it would make me happier than I can imagine to have our own child.

"Even though things are different now. What if things got bad again? I couldn't risk it, I wouldn't be able to recover from that. I'm barely functioning as it is."

So none of the memories I have of her carrying the child were real, and though the country thought she was pregnant, she never was. We never even did anything.

"Thanks, for being so good with this. It's hard to ask you this stuff too."

She smiles. "I know."

Katniss unties me a few minutes later, once I've recapped the conversation and had a clear image of our history in my head.

We stayed up for hours more during the night, half of it was me asking questions, but half the time we were laughing or telling stories or reminiscing with each other.

Around midnight, she asked me for the time and I told her. "You have work tomorrow, right? Want to head back now?"

"No, I'll wake up at three to head over there."

"Okay. Just wake me before you leave, so I can go with you."

"You sure? I don't mind going back alone," I tell her, lying down on the quilt. She yawns and lies down with me, resting her head on my shoulder, and before she falls asleep, she whispers into my ear, "No, you'll get lost."

Then she's out. I'm not tired though, I'm too excited. I finally have most of my life back. And while I'm sure there's going to be times where I need reassurance, I know that now, she's willing to help me.

I watch her sleep. So calm and peaceful. She smiles in her sleep tonight, instead of thrashing around and screaming. And I know that even if this here is all we can ever have, it'll be enough. Just to lie together here, like this, forever safe in each other's arms.


	28. In the Air

**A/N: I wish you guest reviewers would get a fan fiction account so that I could properly thank you, your encouragement and support keeps me writing. I love all the other reviewers too, you guys are what I base my next chapters on, you're my feedback. Sincere thank you to everybody. ****J The song for this chapter is "In the Air" by Morgan Page.**

When I wake, I feel cold. The fire is going, but Peeta is gone. Before the hunger games, I wouldn't have panicked; but the games taught me to assume the worst. I throw off the quilt that covered us and shout his name. "Peeta?" Then louder, "Peeta!" No answer.

I fling open the front door and run outside, feeling the cold, frosted grass between my toes. I start to shiver, and I feel my feet turn to stone. It's still dark out.

Am I dreaming? I pinch myself, but I feel it. The lake is moving, though very slowly, close to freezing over with the dropping temperatures as we get closer to January, our districts coldest month.

For a moment, but only a moment, I forget that I can't find Peeta, because something else enters my mind. It's December the 18th.

Then I feel something grab me from behind.

I turn around, prepared for a fight, not sure what is holding me, but then his blonde, wavy hair catches my eye and I force myself to calm down.

"Happy Birthday." I tell Peeta, but he squeezes me tighter.

"Hey, stop, I can't breathe." I say, first playfully, but then I become more afraid.

"Peeta, what the hell, put me down!" I kick, and then he releases me, and I fall onto the wet and almost frozen grass.

Then the moon reflects in his eyes, and they are not the same. They aren't the gentle eyes that could calm a storm brewing inside me. They aren't ravenous, though. They are…scared, I think.

"Shhh!" He says, getting closer to my eye level. I become more and more confused. I don't think he is sleepwalking, I think this is something else altogether.

"Follow me," he orders.

Not knowing what's going on, I have two options, trust Peeta knowing that he's tried to harm me in the past, or run to the house, as he instructed me to if he should start acting different.

Leave it to me to do my own thing and not heed Peeta's warning from earlier.

Peeta nearly crawls towards the lakehouse, then backs up against the frame of the house, looking carefully in all directions before proceeding into the forest.

His lips are blue, but other than that he's lost all color. I am still shivering, meaning my body hasn't succumbed to the first signs of hypothermia, but I can no longer feel my feet. I may as well be wearing rocks for shoes.

Peeta goes deeper into the forest. I don't understand how I can figure out how to feed my family at such a young age, and get through two hunger games and a slew of lies, but I can't figure out how to get Peeta to snap out of it.

It gets earlier, probably around three, the time we were originally supposed to be waking up. At three, the outside temperature starts to plummet, leveling out around seven in the morning, then heating up a bit throughout the day.

Peeta will die of hypothermia, or at least lose his other leg, if I do not get him inside the house and warmed up soon.

Not to mention, I'm losing strength being out here in the cold.

I weigh my options. I certainly can't snap him out of it, any attempt on my part to get him to go back to the lakehouse against his will, will probably make things worse. Much worse.

I can't go for help, for one, because by the time I got to get help and get back, he may already be dead. Even if, by some miracle, he wasn't, who knows if I'd be able to find him then?

No, I have to stay with Peeta.

A few short minutes later we're about a mile from the house.

I resort to desperate measures.I need to knock him out to drag him back.

But how? If I attack him, it will fuel the Capitol version of himself, the one that was convinced I was trying to kill him. When in actuality, I'm doing everything I can to keep him alive right now.

I hide behind a boulder, and I'm lucky enough to spot a smaller rock, about the size of an apple.

Peeta is eight feet, or about, in front of me. I can be the best marksman in the world when it comes to arrows, but I can't chuck a rock the way I shoot an arrow. Plus, I've barely got enough strength to move, and the air is getting colder. Cold enough to have snow if it were to rain. Luckily, the skies are clear.

I have only one shot at this. If I miss, he'll go into a rage and try to kill me, but what other option do I have?

I chuck the rock and it hits his back. He turns around and targets me with the rage in his eyes. He grits his teeth, and like a hungry wolf, he hunts me down.

Shit. I run for my life, towards the lakehouse, though I'm not sure what I plan on doing when I get there.

I hear him, but he's not getting closer. Despite the, whatever it is, having taken over his body, his body is still human, and therefore doesn't function very well when he has hypothermia.

I turn once, to see his location. He's not too far behind, but he won't catch me. Then I trip over a rock, ironically, and my body is thrown downhill, and comes to a halt right near the lakehouse. I hobble inside, and hide behind the door.

I grab a lamp, and when he walks in the room, I hit him over the head with it.

Another fail.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see an old cast iron skillet on the no longer working stove, and I run for it.

Peeta grabs me, and we fall, but not before I grab the skillet. He pulls my leg towards him, but then I hit him on the side of the head with the skillet, and finally, it knocks him out.

Once I know he's out for sure, I allow myself a few moments to catch my breath.

Poor Peeta. I feel bad, but I had no other option. At least not one I could think of. It wasn't just to keep me safe, it was to keep him safe too. I would not be able to handle losing Peeta.

Before standing up, I rub my hands quickly against my feet, trying to warm them up, it helps slightly, but not much. I'd have to sit here all day, and time is precious. I force myself, as painful as it is, to stand on my feet, and drag Peeta towards the fire, that has now diminished to only embers and smoke.

I remember from earlier that there is no wood in the back of the house anymore.

I need this fire, so I do something I don't want to do, I have to throw a book in the fire.I pick a few from the bookshelf, and toss them in, fanning it till it catches.

I watch the pages shrivel to ash, tears forming in my cold eyes, and freezing on my still cold cheek.

I pull Peeta towards the fire, and strip him down to his underwear before I rub his feet, legs, and chest, with the heat, just enough to get a little color back. This fire will not last long.

I'm forced to break the legs off of a chair I found in one of the bedrooms of the house. It has no value to me, but I didn't want to have to do it if I didn't have to.

Sadly, it's come to that.

I throw the legs in first, then the back of it.

When the fire is at a decent level, I take my shirt and pants and jacket off and lay it in front of the fire to dry it out. Wet clothing will only make everything worse. I pull Peeta close to me and the fire, and pull the quilt over us, though I don't allow myself to fall asleep. I can't. I don't know if he'll be in the same place he was before when he wakes up. But if he does, hopefully it's warmer out so I have more options.

I lie on my back, my side heating up Peeta's back, who is facing away from the fire.

Lying there with nothing to do, I can't help but think how messed up this whole situation is. We're both here, lying together, almost completely naked, both stripped down to our underwear, and he's unconscious. Yeah.

It's a good thing Haymitch and anyone else doesn't know about this place. Because I'd never, in a million years, be able to explain this.

The more I think about it, the less weird and more funny I find it. How Peeta and I always seem to find ourselves in situations like this. It's like a constant game of tag. He does something drastic to save me, then I return the favor. And the universe seems to push the idea of him and I. Never before the Hunger Games had I had any interest in him. To be fair, I had no interest in anyone. Romance, or anything similar to it was the last thing on my mind. But there was always something about him that made me feel at ease. And I've always wondered about it.

Except, of course, when we were kissing in the cave and on the beach. In that case, I felt the opposite of calm. I was nervous, shaky, scared, and excited all at the same time.

I feel that way now. I don't know if it's just because the room is finally starting to feel a little warmer, or because being this close to him, is lighting my fire.

I am the girl on fire, and Peeta is the match.

Finally, after a night that was pure, utter hell, I end up laughing. How am I able to find something good in a situation so bad? Is his outlook on life rubbing off on me? Am I becoming more hopeful about things, or less cynical, or just getting older?

I lie there for about an hour and a half, mostly reminiscing about times I had with my father in this forest, learning to hunt, learning to swim, learning to fish, though I never really did well with fishing.

I reach a hand out of the blanket and over to the shirt I laid out before, and find that it's completely dry. I move carefully so as not to disturb him, but as I get up, he rolls over, and begins to shiver again. He starts sweating, which, if I can remember right, is good, because it will regulate his body heat. But again, I'm no doctor.

Not wanting his condition to worsen, I lie back down, and he stops shivering. He is still sweating, and his rising body heat is starting to make me sweat. His hair is in his face so I turn over to face him, and softly push his hair back behind his ear.

Upon doing this, he wakes.

I experience fear that renders me unable to move or even breathe or even blink. What if he hasn't snapped out of it? What if the sight of us lying here together like this, triggers a flashback. He could snap my neck right here right now and not even know what happened.

But as my eyes stare into his, only mere inches apart, they reflect that of the Peeta I know so well. The one in the cave, the one on the beach. The one who risked his life to save mine countless times. The one who loves me and will never stop, even if I never feel the same way. But I do.

And now that I know it's actually him, my fear turns to something else, and I'm not sure if it's good or bad.

It takes him a few seconds to register what's going on. And when he opens his mouth to, I'm sure, ask what the hell is going on, my mouth opens to try and explain, but I can't find any words.

"Wha…how…when…" he starts to say, confused. He looks down at me, and himself, the fire, and observes his surroundings.

Now I can find the words. I start to tell him, "Um," but that's all he lets me say.

Because his lips are on mine in a split second.

First his kiss is soft, but then it's not enough, so we get deeper and deeper into this kiss.

Part of me screams to push him away, the other part wants, and needs, this closeness.

The kiss doesn't satisfy, it leaves the both of us wanting more. He grabs my face with both his hands but I push his hands away and move my chest onto his, barely coming up for air.

This kiss sparks the same emotions and feelings and needs the other two kisses in the cave and on the beach sparked, but now, being almost nineteen, I finally know what it is. Lust.

The fire goes out but it's still light inside, and that's when I stop to raise my head up enough to look out the window. It's light.

"Oh no, the suns coming up!" I say, nearly bolting away from him and putting my clothes on.

He seems to still be in a trance so as I throw his clothes at him, snapping him out of it. "Work!"

That did it, he was up and panicking just as I was.

We both hurry to get dressed and I make sure there are no embers on the fire leftover before we race out the door and back to town.

We run until we can't anymore, then stop for just a minute or two to catch our breathe.

Peeta asks me what time it is, and judging by the sun, it's nearing six. Peeta tells me he is supposed to be there at five.

I scratch my head and fidget. "Um, okay, what time does your person get there?"

"Gen will be there in an hour."

"We're an hour away. We gotta hurry." I tell him, and we start running again.

We take a few more breaks, but Peeta can only do so much with his artificial leg. Capitol technology is limited. He's lucky he can run at all.

We get to the district boundary, where the fence used to be, ten minutes after seven.

It doesn't take long to get into town, but we both look like hell.

"Where do we go from here?" I ask him.

"I… don't know. I have to get to the shop now, I don't have time to change."

"Okay, go, I'll bring you clothes later." I tell him, and we part ways.

Now I just have to get into his house, grab his clothes, and take them to him at work, then sneak back into my house. Without anyone asking any questions.

Not a chance.


	29. Wicked Game

**A/N: Song for this chapter is "Wicked Game" by Chris Isaak.**

Getting to the bakery on time should be the first thing on my mind, but it's not. It's her.

Did all that really happen?

I remember the details of the events that unfolded only a few hours ago:

I wake up, and I'm aware of a pain in the back of my head. I start to open my eyes so I can reach back and see why, but when my eyes open, I see her. Inches from my face. Both of us sweating, but I still feel cold for some reason. We're not touching, but she's so close to me that we may as well be. She's not fully clothed. I see her clothes drying by the fire, along with mine. I run my eyes up and down her body and up and down mine, and we are stripped down to our underwear.

But why? I have no memory of anything happening, how did our clothes get wet? Is there a leak in the roof? Did she go outside? But then, that wouldn't explain my clothes being wet. What happened? I open my mouth to start to ask, but I am unable to speak. I'm too distracted by the look in her eyes. It changes. Her eyes are wide, as if she's frightened, but slowly, with the more seconds that go by, they relax. Then there's this look in her eyes that I really can't explain because I haven't seen it before. But it makes my heart beat faster.

Finally, I manage to utter, "Wha…how…when…" trying to find which question to ask first. I glance up and down our bodies again, wondering if this is all a dream.

She says "Um." That's it, one word, because I don't let her say anything else. I know she only wants to be friends, but she can't expect me not to want to kiss her when we are in this position, barely clothed and lying so close. I move straight for her lips, and I expect her to back away, or push me away, but she doesn't.

I'm fairly certain this is a dream until I remember the pain in the back of my head. You do not feel pain in dreams. So then this is actually happening. When she doesn't tense up, I put my hands on her face, softly, and continue to kiss her. Then she pushes my hands away. I'm about to stop kissing her and apologize for my advances, but then I know why she pushed them away. She moves her torso onto mine, without even coming up for air.

The feelings I've had for her come to the surface, and my body feels like it's on fire, all over. I feel the very familiar electrical charge and welcome it. This kiss resembles the one on the cave and on the beach. But this time, there's nothing to stop it.

Until she notices how bright it is.

She jumps up and starts dressing herself, and I take a few seconds to figure out why she's in such a hurry, and then my heart drops and it hits me. I should have been at the bakery by now.

I jump up and start dressing myself too, and then we take off towards the district.

Now, I'm almost there. The time is seven thirty. Gen would have been there half an hour ago, wondering where I am. I'm very much hoping that she doesn't assume the worst and call Haymitch, because I don't know how to explain this.

I'm in the same clothes as yesterday because Katniss agreed to bring me more in awhile, but what will I tell her? I'll tell her I was so exhausted, I fell asleep in my clothes and then overslept.

My worse fears are realized when I near the shop, and see not only Gen waiting inside, but Sae and Haymitch as well. What are they doing there?

I take a deep breath before opening the doors.

"Happy Birthday!" The three of them tell me, Sae bringing out a freshly made cake from the back, with nineteen candles. I hadn't realized my birthday snuck up so quickly.

"Make a wish," Gen says.

I take the cake in my hands and blow the candles out, while trying to figure out why Haymitch looks so happy…no, not happy, _amused. _

I wish I had a way of warning Katniss that all three of them are here…but I don't. So she shows up with a clean shirt and pants for me, walking right into what I'm sure will be an interrogation.

"Uh, hi, didn't realize you'd all be here," she says.

"Hello darlin," Sae says, giving her a hug.

"Hi sweetheart, why don't you sit down and have some cake?" Haymitch asks her, with that amused look on his face. He knows something is up.

Gen updates us while we eat our slices of cake that the school is going to be reopening on Monday, but the only one really paying attention is Sae. Haymitch keeps looking back and forth at Katniss and me delightfully. Katniss is staring at her piece, not wanting to make eye contact, probably for fear of questions. I'm just watching Haymitch, wondering when he's going to open his big mouth.

Sae leaves about an hour later, telling me she'll be back at twelve for her shift. Gen tells me I should take the day off for my birthday, and under any other circumstances, I'd decline. I love baking. But I don't feel very well anyway, so I thank her and head home, Haymitch and Katniss with me.

"So, is it laundry day Peeta?" Haymitch asks. Here we go. Katniss flinches and I take a deep breath, preparing for the maze I'm sure he'll put me through until I finally just give in and tell him what happened.

"No, Haymitch. I fell asleep in my clothes and overslept."

He nods his head and stays quiet but I'm sure he's not done.

When we reach our houses, I almost think we're in the clear, but we should be so lucky. He turns suddenly and says. "So, you overslept and didn't have time to change?"

I shake my head.

"Hmm. Takes you only a minute or so to change clothes Peeta. You were already plenty late. What was one more minute?"

"Well," I start to say, then Katniss looks at me pleadingly, shaking her head.

I don't know how else to explain it.

"So, sweetheart, where were you this morning? We came by to ask if you'd like to surprise Peeta at the shop earlier."

"I was busy."

"Busy doing what?"

"Back off drunkard."

"Whoa, easy sweetheart, I'm just curious as to why you were both M.I.A. and you're dressed in the same clothes as yesterday. Where'd ya'll go exploring off to?"

"We just wanted to walk around town, clear our heads." I said.

Haymitch says, "Funny, you both came from the other direction. And why would you be out all night in subzero temperatures, so close to your heated homes?"

I glare at him, first of all, none of this is his business, second of all, he's doing this only to irritate Katniss.

He sees the look on my face and says, "Was just wondering, that's all. Have a good birthday, boy."

Haymitch walks inside his house and we see him kick off his shoes before shutting his door.

Katniss looks at me. "I'm sorry," I say, "I didn't know how to get out of that."

She shakes her head. "Not your fault. He's just too nosey for his own good. I do need to talk to you though, come over tonight, after you rest?"

"Sure."


	30. I'm Lost Without You

**A/N: Song for this chapter is "I'm Lost Without You" by Blink-182. One of my all time favorite bands :)****  
**

Peeta and I go into our houses. I go up to my room to take a shower and change.

My bed looks so comfortable, but I can't sleep in it. Not now. I wouldn't feel safe. Not for myself, for Peeta.

He needs rest, I encouraged him to rest, but the last time he went to sleep, disaster struck. I won't be able to sleep myself, knowing that he might be in danger. I have to watch him. Sounds kind of creepy, but hey, he's watched me sleep plenty of times.

I undress and wrap myself in a towel, but before I shower, I look through my bedroom window into his. Peeta always showers before he sleeps when he is home. But I have to check. I don't want him to sleep until I can get over there. He opens his door and starts undressing. It's hard for me to avert my eyes once he takes off his shirt, but then I hear Buttercup messing with something so I turn to look at him.

"Hey there. I'm surprised you didn't follow us into the woods last night."

He walks over to me and rubs up against my leg, and now I see the object he was messing with.

A letter.

How long has that been there? Could have been there for a week. It dawns on me that this is the first time I've been home since going to District 2.

"Who left this?" I ask out loud, looking at Buttercup. "Well you can't answer me," I tell him then, realizing the ridiculousness of talking to the cat. I really need sleep.

I open the letter, and just by the writing I can tell it's from Peeta. But it's from a long time ago. According to the letter, he wrote it while he was recovering from his massive breakdown, during the time he was in District 4.

My eyes glance towards Peeta's bedroom again, he's going into his bathroom. I've got to hurry.

My eyes scan the contents of the letter:

Katniss,

I'm writing you from District 4, recovering from the

Most painful, most frightening flashback I've ever had to endure.

And you may or may not know this already by the time you receive this letter,

But I did it to myself.

I felt a familiar pull every time I said your name, so I said it

Over and over again, along with every trigger word I know.

It was stupid, but it was my most desperate attempt to rid myself

Of the mental obstacles I have to jump through in order

To keep loving you.

And even if you will never reciprocate the feelings I have for you,

the thought of never being able to see you again

without fighting this demon inside me makes me

Miserable. The thought of never being able to hear your voice

Or say your name or see your smile that I have to

Already work so hard to see, it makes me

Not see the point of it all.

Of the Hunger Games, both of them,

Of the war, of all the loss and the pain and the suffering,

The constant thought that we might not live to see tomorrow.

I got through all of that knowing that you were by my side.

In the cave when you saved my life, on the victory tour, and in the second arena.

And I'm writing you this now to tell you that I won't ever leave you.

It will never matter to me how damaged your soul is from all you've been through,

I'll spend my whole life trying to heal you.

Of all the things I thought I knew,

Of all the lies I was forced to believe, the only thing

I always knew for certain, was that once, I loved you.

And I still do, and I'll spend forever trying to make you believe it,

Because I know after all you've been through, it's hard

To believe that such a thing exists.

That among pain, hurt, loss, abandonment, murder, hate, and all these things

Weve learned from such a young age, lies love, and hope, and friendship, purity,

And companionship.

I live every day, hating the situations that we've both been put through

So young, causing us to become an empty shell, a half of a person.

But I live every day also knowing that two halves make a whole.

I can see a happy future for all the citizens of the country, of all the survivors.

I can finally see hope again.

And I'll spend the rest of my life helping you see it too.

Tears fall freely from my face as I lightly set the opened letter face up on my bed. Buttercup hops up on the bed and looks up at me.

"I'm fine." I tell him. I really am.

Different dilemmas are fogging my mind, so I jump in the shower, and try to sort through my thoughts.

Peeta and I are so different and yet he can see right through me. I don't understand why he loves me, but he so very, clearly, does. And I feel the same way about him, I know that now. But I can't bring myself to tell him. I'd hate to break the heart of the boy who wrote that incredibly beautiful letter by not telling him that his feelings are in fact reciprocated. But I can't bring myself to say it. Maybe because I'm scared of losing him? Maybe because I'm scared of the obligations I'd have to fulfill should people find out about it? I'd be expected to fulfill the role of the girlfriend, then wife, then mother. I can't accept a burden that heavy.

We couldn't just hide it forever. We've kissed twice since we got back from the war. And Haymitch already knows about it. Haymitch won't say anything, but only because he hates people in general, not out of respect for our privacy.

I get out of the shower and dry myself off, then brush my hair before going into my bedroom to get dressed.

I plague myself with questions similar to these every time Peeta and I become closer. I may be overreacting with some of my fears, that, I realize. But the one fear that I know is very real is the public. If Peeta and I were together, we'd never be left alone.

Ever.

A relationship with Peeta wouldn't just be a relationship with Peeta. It would be a relationship with all of Panem, in addition to Peeta.

Still in my towel, I walk over to my bedroom window. He's dressed in green sweatpants and nothing else. He runs a towel through this blond, shaggy hair, and then sees me watching him. He smiles widely and waves at me, I just smile back.

If all these things weren't a factor, I would consider a life with Peeta. Because even if I can't say it to him or even out loud to myself, I do love Peeta.

He makes funny faces through his window knowing I'm still watching. I start to laugh at him and shake my head before walking away. I do not love Peeta, I am _in _love with Peeta. And it scares me to death.

After getting dressed, I walk back over to the window, and see he's already lying down on his side, facing the other direction. So I put on my shoes and head over.

I open his bedroom door very carefully, and walk into his room, careful not to make a sound.

Poor thing, he is exhausted. I climb onto his bed on my knees and examine his head, the skillet didn't break the skin but left a pretty bad bump and bruise.

I go down to the kitchen and make him an icepack out of a bag I found and ice, then I hold it onto his head until the swelling starts to go down.

Sensing the cold, probably, he awakens.

"Katniss? Why are you putting ice on my head?"

"Uh, you have a bump. I was trying to get the swelling down. Sorry. Go back to sleep."

Of course he won't listen. He sits up in his bed and rubs his eyes. "Weren't you going to sleep?" He asks me.

"I was. But, I didn't want to leave you alone. See, last night, you kind of, um,"

"What?"

"I don't know, exactly. I woke up and you weren't there."

Peeta listened intently while I told him everything that went down last night, from searching for him up until he woke up in the cabin and kissed me.

He rubs the back of his head afterwards. "Sorry I tried to kill you again," he says, looking down.

"Sorry I had to kick your ass on your birthday." I reply.

He smiles but I know he feels bad. I grab his hand. "Look, Peeta," I say, and he meets my eyes. "You weren't trying to kill me. You were just confused, lost. If you hadn't chased me back to the cabin, we both could have died in the cold."

"Yeah but if it weren't for me losing it again we wouldn't have gone out in the cold to begin with."

I look down, not sure how to comfort him. Comfort isn't exactly my area of expertise. I notice our hands are still together, so I squeeze his, and tell him, "We'll get through this. Why don't you get some rest, and when you get up we'll call Dr. Aurelius. Maybe he can give us some answers."

He shakes his head. "No, you need sleep too, Katniss. You go first."

"No, I can't sleep right now anyway. The daylight and all." I lied.

"Besides I need to call Dr. Aurelius for a phone session before he has to go through with his threat to send me back to the Capitol." I add.

Peeta kisses my forehead and says, "Thanks," before turning over and trying to fall back to sleep.

I try to hide my smile.

I sit with him until his breathing becomes deep and slow, then I know he is sleeping. Then I go downstairs and pick up the phone.

"Peeta?"

"Dr? Actually, it's Katniss."

"Katniss?! Well, my gosh, so surprised to hear from you."

"I can imagine. I'm sorry if I've been difficult. It's hard for me to do this."

"I know it is, believe me. How are you?"


	31. Always

**A/N: I apologize for the long time in between updates. In addition to the holidays and my birthday, I also got a second job, making it very hard to find the time to sit down and write. Without further adieu, here is the next chapter. The song for the chapter is: "Always" by Blink-182**

I really can't blame the doctor for not believing me when I tell him that I feel better. It took me nearly an hour to convince him that I really am improving. Which means it took almost an hour to get to what I really needed his advice on- Peeta.

He told me that he'd have Haymitch keep a closer eye on him, and told me to do the same, but that his episode is most likely normal considering the things he's been through. He called it a symptom of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It confuses the brain into thinking it's in a dangerous situation even when it's not, and it's caused by being in situations similar to it.

Makes sense, but even though the doctor says it's not a big deal, I am extremely worried. It may sound selfish, but I need Peeta to be healthy and happy in order for myself to get better. Yes, I am in love with him, but he had that affect on me even before that. It drives me nuts that I can't figure it out.

Almost as if he planned it that way, Haymitch knocks on the door right after I hang up with Aurelius.

"Yes?" I ask him, opening the door just a crack. He pushes himself inside.

"What're you doing holding the door like that like I'm some kind of stranger sweetheart? Is loverboy here?"

"Sleeping. And what gives? You know that got on my nerves when the Careers called him that during the first games."

"Yes," He says, holding back laughter. "But it seems highly more appropriate now."

Resisting the urge to stab him with Peeta's kitchen knife, I clench my fists. "You just love antagonizing me don't you?"

"What are mentors for?"

But Haymitch is no longer my mentor. As much as we both hate to admit it, Haymitch and I are much more like family than anything else. Peeta, Sae, and I are all he has, and he is all we have, and somehow we make it work.

"Anyways, came to check up on you too, not just the boy."

"Why?"

"I can't make sure you're doin alright? You're a nutjob but I still would like to keep you from going off the deep end into psychoville."

"Yes Haymitch, I am fine."

"Well what are ya'll doin Tuesday? Sae wants to get together to have dinner, with everybody."

I laugh. "And you're okay with it?"

"Well I kind of have to be. Besides, I can always come drunk, can't I?"

"Who will watch the bakery?"

"It'll be closed, Christmas and all."

Christmas. A holiday celebrated every year on the 25th of December in the time before. When Sae was a child. We haven't ever celebrated it, because everyone has always been too poor. I know only little things of it.

Haymitch senses my confusion and of course takes it upon himself to enlighten me.

"Well I think it's a bunch of crap, but people are supposed to get together to be with their family, and exchange a gift of some sort."

"Like a squirrel?"

"You could probably kill one or two of those for Sae, but I'd be much more happy with a bottle of liquor."

"Shocker."

"Well tell the boy I came by, tell him to drop by later if he feels up to it."

"Okay." I lie. I'll tell him I came by but Peeta isn't going anywhere tonight. I have to make sure he is stable first.

Haymitch leaves and then shortly later I hear something scratch at the door so I let Buttercup in before he drives me crazy.

I get on the phone with Sae and get a recipe from her so that I can have something hot and ready to eat for Peeta when he wakes up. I know he'll be hungry. And I am hungry myself.

She tells me how to make a vegetable soup. It sounds easy enough but two hours go by and I end up burning it, so I end up running down to the bakery to get him some instead, but only after checking up on him again.

I am relieved to find that Peeta is still in bed once I return. I go downstairs and am about to put the soups in an oven to keep them warm when he walks downstairs.

"You know the plastic bowls they are in will melt in the oven," He says from behind me.

I turn around and smile. "You should have seen the mess I made earlier."

"You mean the one you're standing in the middle of?" He says, amused.

I look around me, I never cleaned up my mess from earlier. There is burnt soup all over the sink, pots and dishes and all kinds of utensils on the counters, and I spilled flour on the floor, when that wasn't even an ingredient. That's how bad of a cook I am.

"Sorry about that. I made a run down to the bakery and picked up vegetable soup for us though."

"Don't worry about it. I'm just glad to have you here. Let's eat?"

Peeta limps over to a cabinet and gets two bowls and some spoons.

"Is your leg okay?"

"I think my whole trek through the woods may have caused some swelling and soreness. I'm sure it will go away. It does this sometimes."

"Well at least let me help you," I say, taking the bowls from him. "Go sit down," I tell him, putting a hand on his shoulder. He puts one of his hands over mine, and stares at it for a few seconds. I'm unsure what is on his mind.

Removing my hand, I ask him, "What are you thinking?"

"Just that, you've been acting weird since you came back."

Uh oh. I know where this is going. "Just glad to be home, I guess."

"No, it's not that. It's something else, you seem happier. What happened over there?"

He is prying for information about my trip to see Gale. Why can't he ever just let a good thing be? Why must he always ask about things?

"Nothing important, Peeta," I say, putting his soup down on the table with a little force. I sit across from him and immediately start to eat my soup, hoping that if I keep my mouth full won't try to ask me anything else. He's quiet for awhile, but as we're halfway done I hear him prepare to say something else.

"Why did you have to go?" He asks me.

I try not to let it get to me. "I can't go visit my best friend?" I say.

This seems to put him in his place. "I just mean, you left so suddenly."

Here it comes.

"After you…kissed me."

I let my soup fall into the bowl. I tried being sensitive but I have a boiling point, I'm only human. He knows me better than anybody so he should know how much it bothers me when people pry.

"And?"

"Well, why did you leave? Did I do something wrong?"

"No, Peeta." I say, not making an effort to hide the irritation in my voice.

He hesitates before going on, but of course he does. "Then why did you pick that time to go see Gale?"

To say goodbye, I think to myself.

"I had some things I needed to discuss with him."

"Like the war?"

"That, among other things."

"Did you…"

"Did I what?!" I say, raising my voice. I already know what he's going to ask. He's going to ask me if I kissed Gale. It infuriates me, though it shouldn't. I shouldn't blame him for wondering. I do have a tendency to kiss Gale after kissing Peeta, or vice versa. But that was a long time ago.

"…did you kiss Gale?"

How to answer that. The truth is that I did kiss Gale, but it only helped me realize what a part of me already knew, that it meant nothing to me. But he won't believe it. I could lie and tell him I didn't kiss him, but he'd see right through it.

So instead I yell at him.

"What business is it of yours?!"

He isn't angry yet, it's Peeta, afterall, it takes a lot to set him off. "It's not, but I would appreciate it if you'd tell me anyway."

"Why would it even matter Peeta?"

"It would help me."

"With what?"

"Figuring you out."

"I am my own responsibility and no one else's, especially not yours. It's not your job to protect me Peeta, and it's not your job to take care of me. It never was."

Now I've done it. I'm quite possibly the only person on Earth capable of making Peeta Mellark mad.

"No! It sure as hell isn't! But I did those things because I love you! That's no mystery to you, why do you continue to try and talk me out of it?!"

"I know, I saw your letter."

"And you didn't even mention that you got it. You know what? I'm not surprised."

"I kissed Gale," I said, trying purposely to strike a nerve. And I did.

"What is it with you being so indecisive?!" He imitates my voice and says, "I kissed Peeta, so I'd better make it fair and travel hundreds of miles to go and kiss Gale!"

"Oh my God shut up Peeta, you don't know the half of it." I say, trying to avoid giving it away that I love Peeta. I can't handle that right now.

"Why do you continue to torment us?"

"Because I love Gale too."

This struck another nerve.

"Why do you have to tell me that?"

"Because I needed to know the difference!"

"The difference?"

"Of how I feel about you and how I feel about him. Why can't you just leave well enough alone, why must you always question things?!"

"You love me?"

"I didn't say that…"

"Well, you said you needed to know the difference between the love you have for me and the love you have for him. But you didn't stay there, you came back here…and then the cabin, the willingness to cooperate with me, the kiss…"

"Shut up Peeta."

He smiles, and as desperately as I'm trying to keep the frown on my face, I feel a smile start to come through, so I try and hide it by turning around.

Damnit. Of course he pieced it together.

I hear him come walking up behind me. He puts his hands on my arms, and turns me around, firmly, but gently.

"Why can't you just say it?"

I know exactly what he means but I don't act like it.

"Fine, I care about you."

"That's it?"

"That's the best I can do."

But he knows I'm lying. He moves his right hand up my arm and places it on the back of my neck before he kisses me.

I let the feeling of warmth and passion envelope me, and allow myself to fall deeper and deeper into the kiss, the anger I felt earlier turning into passion. I stop kissing him, and I run my arm down his and grab his hand, entwining our fingers. I lead us over to his couch.

Much more comfortable. Between kissing me, he keeps touching the back of his head. I try to ask about it but he interrupts me with his lips.

Then eventually he stops altogether, and places a hand on the back of his head. He closes his eyes.

"Peeta? What's wrong?"

He forces himself off the couch, and is on his knees, bent over on the floor, hands over his ears. "What is it?!" I ask, becoming alarmed.

He finds the nearest object and grabs it, which happens to be a plant.

The pot the plant is in cracks under the pressure, and just as I get up to go get Haymitch, his breathing returns to normal and he lies down on his back on the floor.

I run over to him. "Peeta? You okay? What happened?"

"Nothing. Just a flashback I felt coming."

"When you were kissing me? Why didn't you stop?"

"It's not that easy," he says, pushing a strand of hair behind my ear.

"Maybe you should rest." I say, and just the word rest makes me yawn.

"No, Katniss, you're tired."

"I know but I'll be fine. You didn't sleep as long as you should have."

He smiles and picks me up without my permission, I laugh but tell him to put me down.

Once he gets to his bed, he puts me on it. "You sleep first."

"Guess you don't really leave me an option, do you?"

He shakes his head and kisses me once more, before turning off the light next to his bed, and as soon as I hear him walking down the steps, I fall asleep.

I wake up not too much later, screaming at the top of my lungs. From what, I'm not sure. I must've had a nightmare.

He comes running up the steps and is at my side in no time. "Nightmares?"

I nod. "I'm fine now, it's cold though."

He takes off his shirt, which I see fall to the floor in the moonlight, and climbs in right next to me. He puts an arm around me. "This helped us before."

"To keep away the nightmares," I add.

Peeta falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, so I know he must have been very tired. So am I, but I don't fall back to sleep right away. I watch his sleeping face, and then move even closer to him, taking in the warmth radiating off his chest. That's the last thing I remember.

Because when I wake up in the morning, he's staring at me. "No nightmares." He tells me. And I confirm that for the first time in forever, I feel rested. Completely rested. "No nightmares." I say back to him.


	32. Like the Rain

**A/N: The song for this chapter is "Like the Rain" by Clint Black. **

The sun seems brighter in the morning when I wake up and see her face. She seems to glow in the sunlight, her olive skin tone reflecting the soft golden hues of it.

She wakes up and I tell her "No nightmares." Because when I have her in my arms, I sleep peacefully and I feel rested. Everything is right in the world.

She confirms that she had no nightmares either. I had assumed so, since we woke up in the same position we fell asleep in. I didn't feel her tossing and turning at all.

She sits up in bed and stretches. "Don't you have to be at the shop?"

I shake my head. "It's Sunday."

"So?"

"I don't work Sundays. It's the only day I don't go in at all."

"Doesn't it drive you crazy?"

"What? Like you without your hunting? Ah, I guess a little. But I don't want to push it, you know?"

"Definitely."

"So you going hunting?"

Katniss props herself up on her elbow and leans over me to see the time on the clock on my nightstand. Her messy, uncombed hair drapes across my chest and I can smell the shampoo.

"It's too late," She says, and I see that the clock says eleven.

"I can't believe we slept so long."

I normally can't get more than four or five hours of sleep at a time.

"I guess the quality of sleep affects it somewhat."

"I'm sure it does. Thank you, for that."

"For what?"

"For being here, for staying with me."

"I got just as much rest as you did." She tells me with a smile. I lean over to kiss her.

"So what do you want to do today?" I ask her.

She gets up and looks out the window, then opens it and sticks her arm outside.

"It's surprisingly warm today. Want to head out to the meadow?"

"Sure. Let me just grab a few things."

She nods her head and heads downstairs.

I get up and get dressed and grab a backpack. In the backpack, I put a sketchbook and a pencil, a blanket, two bottles to fill with the sweet spring water that flows naturally by the meadow, and I head over.

Before I reach her door, she comes out and meets me on the sidewalk, Buttercup close behind her.

She glances back at him. "Yeah, he was getting a little stir crazy. He needs a day out or he'll drive me crazy."

I walk alongside her and Buttercup follows closely behind, keeping a watchful eye on me, as he normally does.

The walk to the meadow isn't nearly as long as the walk to the lakehouse, so we're there in under an hour.

It's a slightly different direction to the meadow than to the lakehouse, and I can't remember the last time I was in this meadow, my memory still isn't all that great. But it definitely looks even more beautiful than the memories that I have of it.

Tall, shady trees flow gently in a breeze that feels like it belongs in March, but it's December. Once we come out of the forest shaded by the trees, there's a large meadow with bright green grass covering it, and the sun is high in the sky.

We pick out a place where the sun hits us and we feel warmth on our skin, and I set the backpack down and unzip it to retrieve the blanket. I lay it out on the grass and sit down, taking out the sketchbook and pencil.

I had begun drawing the stream flowing nearby, but five minutes into the drawing I caught something better.

Katniss is sitting five feet away from me, blowing dandelions into the air, and Buttercup is prancing across the grass, trying to catch them with his paw, as if it were a game. The wind catches her hair and it blows gently behind her, as she tilts her head back slightly to blow another dandelion.

She catches me watching and she blows it in my direction, the dandelion seeds softly skimming the edge of my cheek before getting lost in the breeze behind me.

I sneeze and she laughs, scooting closer to me.

I move into another position and she sits between my legs, her back to my chest, and leans her head back onto my shoulder. I have my chin on the top of her head, my arms around her, the sketchbook in plain sight for both of us.

I'm not as good at drawing an image from memory as I am at drawing a still life image, like the moving water in the stream, but it is what I want to draw. The scene made me happy.

She watches the sketchbook and my hand moving across it, trying to get every detail perfectly. Once she sees the outline of a body, she asks me who it is. "Someone who inspires me."

She watches as more and more details are drawn onto the sketchbook, and every now and then she tilts her head back to watch my face. When I am almost done with the picture, she does it again, and says, "You're so focused."

"The way you are when you're hunting."

"No, more. Like, you want it to be perfect."

"I do." I say, pausing for a second.

"Why?"

"I want to remember it."

She smiles and then gets up, "I'll let you get back to it then."

She moves over next to me now and lies down. I catch her staring again and I look at her. "You know," she tells me, "I can't remember a time when I was this calm, or happy."

It's amazing to me, and it shocks me for her to say something like that, and for my to be a part of it is even better. "Same here."

She shuts her eyes, and within a few minutes, she's asleep.

Once I'm finished with the first image, I draw a picture of Buttercup, who is now off in the distance, maybe a hundred feet away; he looks as if he's trying to fish something out of the stream with his paw.

When I am done with it, I look back at her. She's got her head tilted to one side, sleeping. One hand lies on the space in the middle of her chest right under her ribcage, the other lies behind her head, the lighter side of her arm exposed to the sun.

Feeling tired myself, I lie down too, and I fall asleep quickly.

I wake up because I feel something, and I open my eyes to see rain drops falling. There aren't many now, but they are becoming more frequent and increasing in volume. I shake Katniss awake and as soon as she gets up and we pack everything back into the backpack, Buttercup comes sprinting over as it begins to pour.

The rain couples with thunder and then we look up to see lightning crack across the skyline.

She raises her voice so I can hear her. "The lakehouse is closer than town," she says, laughing, and she grabs my hand and we began to run together, Buttercup trying to stay close to us so that we block all the rain, but we don't get to the lakehouse for a good thirty minutes, so by the time we get there, all three of us are soaked from head to toe.

We get in and shut the door, and she wrings out her wet hair over the sink while I light a few candles since the sky is dark from the thunderstorm and it's late afternoon, it'll be dark soon.

Katniss walks over to me and helps me light the fire in the fireplace after I've gotten wood I found in one of the bedroom's storage closets. Strange how we never go into that part of the house. I think she likes staying close to the fire.

After the fire is lit, Katniss looks around. "What's wrong?" I ask her.

"Where's Buttercup?"

I look around and laugh when I see what looks like a wet rat huddled up underneath a bookshelf, obviously miserably wet. I throw my head back laughing at how ridiculous he looks, and he hisses at me. Then she looks at him and laughs also.

"Poor cat," she says, "I know how you feel Buttercup. The rain isn't very flattering, is it?" She says, looking at Buttercup.

"What do you mean?" I tell her. She turns to me then, and I add, "You're absolutely beautiful."

She smiles but tries to look away to hide it. "Don't be ridiculous. My hair's a mess, I smell like rain, I…" she tries to go on, but I gently move her face back towards mine so we're mere inches apart.

"No, I mean that. Rain, Snow, Sun, Dark, Light, you always make my heart beat faster."

She shakes her head, but I grab her hand and place it over my heart, which is racing. She exhales heavily and backs away. "I want to see the finished pictures." She says, and I nod my head in the direction of the backpack.

She tells me they are perfect, that I've captured everything about the day. Then she flips through my other pictures.

While she's busy looking at the pictures, I lay the blanket down in front of the fire to dry it out, then decide that if I don't want to get sick again I should let my clothes dry out too. So I strip down to my underpants and lay my clothes out to dry.

She closes the book and passes it back to me when she sees me, and she looks at me questioningly.

"I put my clothes by the fire to dry so I don't get sick. The blanket too."

Knowing I must look like a perv in this situation, I show her I have only our health on my mind and the best of intentions by saying, "You should dry yours out too, once the blanket is dry you can wrap it around you while your clothes dry out. It should be almost done."

She smiles, still watching me, making me nervous, like she's waiting for what I'll say next.

"What?" I tell her, "Come on, you've seen me half naked before. No big deal."

She smiles and takes a deep breath.

"You're right," she says, removing her shirt, "No big deal."

**A/N: The next chapter will be the last one. Things will also heat up in the next chapter, I won't make it detailed enough to get an "M" rating, but if you're a much younger reader I recommend you end the story here.**


	33. Never Let Me Go

**A/N: Song for this chapter is "Never Let Me Go" by Florence + the Machine. **

**The finale of Deliverance:**

_Katniss:_

Today I felt happier than I have in so long, and I owe a lot to Peeta for it. For his loving me and never giving up on me, always seeing the good in me and believing in me, amongst so many other things. I realized just how deeply I've fallen for him while I was lying in the meadow, watching him draw his pictures in his sketchbook. After all he's been through, he finds peace and solace and happiness in the littlest things. And that makes me see things in a new way. He inspires me to appreciate things some people would overlook, and he makes me have a new found appreciation for life and everything in it, and I love him unconditionally for that.

And I'll never stop loving Peeta. As messed up as we are, I'll always have him, and he'll always have me, and if I have Peeta, it means I will always have hope. He's the dandelion in the weeds, the diamond in the rough, the oasis in the desert, everything I've needed and yet refused to see for so long.

I can't even believe what I'm thinking, it doesn't seem like me at all. A year ago, or hell, even a few months ago I never thought I'd ever be here, at the point of healing that I'm able to move on with my life and allow myself to feel things again. Things I hadn't felt since I'd lost my father, things like love and hope and happiness.

So now we are running towards the lakehouse to take cover for the night from the rain. I told Peeta that it was closer than town, which I can get away with because he doesn't know that they are actually just about the same distance; if you take a shorter route throw the tree cover in the woods, a way that until today, only I knew about.

We could be back in town in the same amount of time that we could be at the lakehouse. I'm not sure what it is, but something is pulling me towards the lakehouse.

Once we're inside, Peeta tells me he's going into one of the bedrooms to see if he can find some wood stored in there, and while he does, I wring out my hair over the sink. My hair smells like pine and rain, and is very messy and a little matted from the running and the moisture. I run my fingers through it a bit to make it more tolerable.

When I'm done, I turn around to see Peeta's got the wood ready to go in the fireplace so I grab a matchbook and hand him a lit match to light the candles he's got in a few places, since it will be dark soon.

We get the fire lit and it's not till then that I ask where Buttercup is. Peeta looks around and tilts his head back laughing, I look in the direction he is looking and I see poor little soaking wet Buttercup, looking like all hell, and very irritated, hiding underneath a bookshelf.

"Poor cat, I know how you feel Buttercup. The rain isn't very flattering, is it?" I tell him.

And of course Peeta chimes in with the perfect thing to say, just like he always does.

"What do you mean?" He says, "You're absolutely beautiful."

I know I am blushing, I can feel it. I move my head to the side but he moves it back with his hand, which is rough, probably from using his hands so much with his drawing and at work, but I still love the feel of it.

I tell him to stop being ridiculous, because to be completely honest about it, I've never been able to accept compliments very well. Everyone knows I'm famous for that, especially Peeta. Yet, he insists. He grabs my hand in his, and puts my hand over his heart, and it feels like it's going to jump out of his chest. It's fast.

I am about to excuse it by telling him it's because we were just running, but before I can, he says, "No, I mean that. Rain, Snow, Sun, Dark, Light, you always make my heart beat faster."

I want to kiss him but that's probably not the best idea. I'm a mess, and I feel gross, we're both all wet and smell like rain. I decide to back off. Besides, I want to see his pictures he drew.

I don't even notice what Peeta is doing because I'm so focused on his drawings. I don't think I've ever seen them more precise. The way he shades them makes them come to life, like you're actually there. The images appear to jump off the page.

In about ten minutes I close the book, and I turn around to pass it back to him but almost drop it at the sight of him. He's in nothing but boxer shorts. I look at the fire and see his clothes strewn out to dry, I assume, with the blanket. At least, that's what I'm hoping they're strewn out for. Kind of.

He seems to notice my confusion so he confirms what I already thought, that he laid them out to dry. I feel slightly uncomfortable because it's a good idea and I know I should do the same to avoid getting sick but he's seen me in that state only once, and that was in an emergency.

Again, he surprises me with how well he reads me.

"You should dry yours out too. Once the blanket is done you can wrap it around you while your clothes dry out, it should be almost done."

It's amusing to me that he's trying so hard to make sure I am clear on his intentions. He's getting nervous, so I continue to stare at his bare chest.

I consider it, but I'm afraid. I remember the last time, just a few days ago, that we were in this cabin in the state we are in now, and how we were interrupted by the dawn creeping through the windows. Now it's a dusk, turning into nightfall slowly. And there's nothing to stop us this time.

He fidgets a bit, which makes me smile, and then says, "What? Come on? You've seen me half naked before. No big deal."

Well, if he puts it that way, he's seen me half naked too. I take a deep breath before pulling my shirt up over my head, and tossing it towards his, near the fire.

"You're right. No big deal."

_Peeta:_

I don't know if it's because the last time we were in this state together we were both suffering from hypothermia, or the time, or what, but it's different now. The worried look on her face that she had just a few days ago is gone. She seems to have matured a year in a period of two days.

She removes her pants then and tosses them towards the fire next to mine. Now we are left in nothing but underwear. Her hair is still damp and the ends of it drips water down her chest, streaming down towards her belly button.

I try to be respectful and not look, but I've never seen so much of her skin before when I wasn't half dead from hypothermia or something else. I saw it in my Capitol induced hallucinations of us on the train, but nothing I could have imagined or have seen compares to what I see now. It's still raining, but the setting sun creeps through the clouds in some places and hues of orange and pink come through the window and illuminate her skin so beautifully.

"You okay?" She asks.

"Of course," I tell her, and she stays back, and we just stare at each other awkwardly for a few moments. I'm about to suggest that the towel is dry, to make her feel more comfortable, so I take in as much of her as I can to remember this picture.

But before I can say anything, she slowly walks closer to me, she keeps her eyes on my chest, and her body stops a few inches from mine. She traces her finger lightly across a scar on my chest, slightly above my heart.

"Burns." She says, looking up to meet my eyes. Her eyes are deep when she looks up at my eyes, I've seen them similar to the way they are now, but never like this. There's something in her eyes tonight.

I get a whiff of her scent and I breathe in deeply, and the scent overwhelms me. The smell of rain and pine and her own scent- a sweet scent- mix together, creating an aroma that draws me even closer to her. I take a step towards her and lean my head down a little, my lips are almost touching hers, maybe an inch apart, that's all. I feel the heat from her breath on my lips-that close.

"Burns," I say, almost in a whisper, confirming her question.

"You were offered a skin graph?"

"Yeah. I didn't want it."

That look in her eyes intensifies, and though I can't see them, I know mine look the same. Because I know what it is that's causing it.

She traces the scar once more, and even softer, then kisses it softly, before asking, "Why?"

I kiss the bottom of her neck, where it meets her shoulder blades, then whisper to her, "Because, the scars tell our story."

_Katniss:_

I've never felt so drawn to Peeta as I do right now. Everything about him, the innocence of his heart, the dedication of his mind and the purity of his soul, makes everything more clear. I stare at his bare chest, the combination of leftover rainwater and fading sunlight making it glisten. Mesmerized, I walk slowly towards him, watching his eyes change with every step I take, they seem to become darker, they seem to dilate, and they seem bigger.

I ask him about the scar on his chest. I've noticed it before but have never asked. He tells me he didn't want the skin graph, and I trace my finger over his scar, feeling his chest radiating warmth, and I am craving his warmth. I kiss the scar, and ask why.

"Because, the scars tell our story."

And that's what did it. That's what sent me over the edge.

We were mere inches apart before, but now as I begin to kiss him, I curve my body into his so we're touching, and he buries his fingers in my hair, his arms wrapped around mine, holding me tightly, as if to keep me here, but I don't want to be anywhere else in the world anyway.

I guide him over to the blanket that is now completely dry and in front of a raging fire in the fireplace, to match the raging fire surging through my bloodstream. He keeps one hand behind my head but puts the other behind my back and lays me down on the blanket gently.

Still kissing me, his free hand caresses my face and then grazes down my arm. He moves his hand over my hip bone and back up my side, electrifying every part of my body he touches. The electric pulse I felt while kissing him is magnified a thousand times all over.

I wrap my arms around him and clutch his back, feeling the unique shape of his shoulder blades and then moving my hands over the scars on his chest.

He stops kissing me and props himself up on his elbow, and watches me catch my breath.

"I love you."

As badly as I want to, I still can't bring myself to say it, so instead, I kiss him again, and guide his hand over my chest, giving him permission to take it from there.

He removes the rest of my clothing and I remove his, and then the combination of trust and lust and love create a powerful feeling that takes us over.

_Peeta:_

Never in a million years would I have imagined this would be possible, but now that it is, I can't explain how perfect it is. Our bodies fit together like we were made for each other, our kisses are in perfect sync, as is our minds. My heart is racing and I am highly aware of the blood rushing through every part of my body. I actually feel highly aware of everything around me, like everything is intensified by a thousand times- the glow on her face, the look in her eyes, the softness of her lips and of her touch, and I've never felt so alive.

After, she nuzzles her head into my chest, I wrap my arms around her and pull half the blanket over us, holding her tightly. I kiss her forehead, and her breathing slows down.

"You getting sleepy?" I ask her.

"Yes," She tells me, yawning.

"You love me. Real or not real?" I ask her.

Then she tilts her head up to look at me. She kisses me softly, then whispers, "Real."

And with that, we fall asleep in each other's arms, and we sleep peacefully again, knowing we're finally safe and sound.

**A/N: This concludes the four books I've written for the Hunger Games. I am done with Hunger Games fanfiction, probably not forever, but for awhile. I'd like to thank everyone who stuck with me through all of it, and I apologize for the long time in between Deliverance updates, but it's finally finished, and I am very happy with it. Thanks again for reading. **** Oh yeah, I'll upload an epilogue for you guys, if you want it.**


	34. EPILOGUE

"Jus

Epilogue

The woman staring back at me in the mirror is radiant. She wears a light blue eyeshadow that brings out her grey eyes. Her hair is in a fancy updo, with a flower on the band that ties it all together. Her skin glistens in the moonlight coming in from the window, and her lips are soft as silk and shiny with gloss. Her eyelashes are coated a dark black and there is glitter on the corners of her eyes.

She wears a necklace, fashioned by a custom jewelry manufacturer who lives in District 12 but learned her trade in the Capitol. It's a beaded pearl necklace, with a mockingjay fashioned in the center of her chest.

She wears a long, white wedding gown, that is simple yet elegant; not the ridiculous one she wore five years ago when President Snow forced her into her second Hunger Games.

There's a knock on my door, which brings my attention off of my mirror image. I pick up my dress so as not to step on it as I walk over to the door.

"Yes?"

"It's your mother."

I open the door and my mother, who is dressed in emerald clothing steps through the doorway and takes me into her arms.

"I'm so happy, I never thought I'd see this day." She tells me while hugging me. When she steps back, she gasps.

"You're absolutely beautiful," she says, smiling and then kissing me on my forehead.

"Peeta's a lucky fellow." She says.

I don't respond.

"What's wrong dear? Please tell me you're not thinking of backing out."

"Of course not. I think I'm ready for this. It's just odd because, I never thought I'd be here."

"You're going to be a great wife and mother some day sweetheart."

"I'm going to try to be a great wife, but I'm never going to be a mother."

I didn't try to, but I upset my mother.

"Things aren't like they used to be Katniss."

"I know, but if one regime can fall the other can too."

"You can't think like that, you have to live in the here and now. That's how I'm doing so well."

"Can we just forget about the baby thing and live in the here and now then?"

She smiles, "Of course."

She gives me a blue ribbon she had on her wedding day. "Something new to you, old to me, borrowed, and blue. For luck. It's what your grandmother told me they did before Panem."

"Thanks mom." I tie it around my wrist, under my sleeve of my dress, and she tells me she'll see me out there.

One hour before the wedding. In one hour I'll be married to Peeta.

Haymitch doesn't bother to knock before he enters the room.

He laughs right off the bat. "You sure you should be wearin white sweetheart?"

I punch him hard in the stomach.

"Ouch," he says trying to regain his breath. "I was just joking, relax. You're supposed to be happy today."

"I am, and aren't you supposed to be sober today?"

"I am."

I glare at him.

"Well it's an open bar you can't expect me not to drink, but I'm not drunk. See," he says, while standing on one leg and touching his finger to his nose.

I laugh and he stops. "See, there's that smile. That's what I want to see."

He hugs me. "You know you kids are like family to me."

I've never heard a more heartfelt thing come out of Haymitch.

He leaves before he says anything else that might damage his reputation.

I sit down on a couch in the small bridal dressing room of the hotel that is in town, before going out into the lobby, where the wedding will be held.

I remember the engagement:

Peeta and I sit by the fire in my home, four years after the war. He lives here now, and sold his house to a buyer from District 10. I'm fashioning a new bow out of some wood I found in the woods, because lately I've been teaching Peeta to hunt, even though we really don't need to anymore. It's therapeutic to me and he asked to learn, so it was the least I could do.

He is drawing me. All of a sudden he drops his pencil. "I love you so much."

"I love you too," I say without looking up from the bow I'm working on.

"We should get married."

I drop the bow, and look up at him. "Why?"

"Because we love each other, and we're twenty three years old, we've been a couple for four years. Don't you think it's time?"

"It wouldn't change anything. We already live together, we already sleep together. The only thing that would be different is a piece of paper."

"Precisely. Which is why you have no reason to fear it. But I would like to make it official."

"What's the point?"

"To celebrate this with family and friends. And, it would make me happy. And I think it would make you happy too."

I thought about it, but couldn't find a reason not to go through with it. If it would make Peeta happy, I suppose I could live with dealing with all those people for one day. Peeta senses my hesitation. "It can be a small ceremony. Even just you me and a witness if you want."

"Okay."

Agreeing to this was worth it when I saw the look on his face.  
"Really?!"

"Yes, Peeta, I will marry you."

His smile was so genuine and innocent, and he crawled over to kiss me.

"Not a big ceremony, okay? You, me, Haymitch, Sae, my mother. And maybe Effie. That's it. Okay?"

"That's fine with me."

"No Capitol broadcasts?"

"They'll never even know about it. I promise."

Another knock on the door brings me back to the present. Who comes through the door, I wasn't expecting.

It's Gale.

I stand still in shock.

He closes the door.

"Hey, Catnip."

"Gale?"

He smiles and hugs me, it takes me a minute, because I'm so surprised but I hug him back.

"You look…absolutely beautiful." He tells me.

"Thank you. What are you doing here?"

"Your mother invited me. I hope that's okay…"

"It's okay. I didn't think you would want to come but, I'm glad you're here."

"Just because it's not me you're happy with doesn't mean you shouldn't be happy. I love you and I want the best for you, I mean that. Peeta is a great guy, and I know he will love you the way you deserve to be loved."

"Thank you Gale."

"Your welcome. Besides, you're twenty four now. It's about time."

"You're okay with this though, you're sure?"

"If I wasn't okay with it, would you change your mind?"

"..No, I would'nt."

"Good. That's how I know you want this wedding just as much as Peeta does. I'll be fine. I have a girl back home, actually."

I thought I'd have the slightest bit of jealousy upon hearing it, but all I felt was happiness for Gale. "I'm so happy to hear that, you have no idea."

"Yeah…." He looks like he wants to say something else.

"What is it?"

"I also, have a son. His name is Antony."

"Gale, that's great. How old is he?"

"Two."

"I really am happy for you. But I thought you didn't want kids?"

"I didn't, but then times changed. And when I found out about him, I was happier than I ever thought I could be. I'm sure you'll feel the same way when you have kids."

"I am still not having any kids."

Gale just smiles, and walks out the door, and then I hear the wedding bells chime.

It's a simple ceremony, but beautiful. We partake in the traditional wedding routines District 12 always participated in. We read each other our vows, and an hour later we were married and on our way to the lakehouse, for the seclusion, which was much needed after a big day like that.

It's warm now, in the middle of June, and by the time we got to the lakehouse it was midnight. The moon was high in the sky and shining over the lake. We decided to take a midnight swim.

We held each other in the water, and he kissed me. "You're going to make a great mother someday."

I laughed. "You may have gotten me to accept marriage, love. But convincing me to have children won't be so easy." I tell him.

He kisses me again and then says, "…But not impossible." He smiles and instead of replying, I splash him in the face and giggle before swimming away from him. He follows me, "I'll catch you, Katniss." He says laughing, "You won't get away that easy."

I still have no interest in being a mother to Peeta's children.

…But then again, I never thought I'd be his wife either.

"


End file.
